Friday, December 22, 2006

At the ceremony transferring power in Najaf, Iraq, U.S. officials watched as Iraqi commandoes macho’ed up: "One man knelt, placed [a] rabbit belly-up on his lap, and proceeded to cut it open with his military knife. He screamed as he bit the rabbit’s heart, then handed the carcass to his companions who began gnawing away, blood flowing down their cheeks." Similarly reminded of the Darwinian chain of command: couple of frogs.

Robot Anti-Defamation and Action League: One of the papers submitted at the recent request of the UK gov’t’s chief scientist, hypothesizing about "the future," reminded readers that if we create sensitive robots, we’ll have to give them "rights." But then, of course, with rights come responsibilities, the paper went on, meaning the duty to pay taxes and submit to a military draft.

Master chef Michael Ennes spends three days a week at the Broadway Presbyterian Church shelter in New York City, not as a server, but as the actual chef, creating healthful food that attracts the picky homeless. He taps the charity programs and his own sources of donated food (like day-old bread from the fancy Le Bernardin). Serving an upscale clientele is also a turn-on for him (referring to a few delusionals): "George Bush has eaten here. So has Jesus Christ [and] George Washington . . .."

Update
Turkmenistan’s megalomaniacal Suparmurat Niyazov, one of the most prolific Newsmakers of the Weird (four reports since 2002), just had his term end this week (since he was "president for life"). Among his exploits: changing the names of the seven days of the week and the 12 months of the year; insisting that all licensed drivers pass a morals test; and planning to build a huge, natural-habitat zoo for a large array of species, including penguins, in the country’s desert.

Errorors
Ms. Kimberly Baker, an unfortunate actor in a News of the Weird story this week [NOTW 984, 12-17-2006], hails from Warrensburg, N.Y., rather than Warrensburg, Va.

Housekeeping
As previously announced, this 6-day-a-week weblog is publishing only Mon-Wed-Fri until January 3, when regular posting resumes.

Below The Fold
A federal appeals court said North Carolina could ban erotic movements in its liquor-licensed clubs, even among the fully-clothed . . . . . A former top-of-the-line narcotics officer (800 busts) has flipped and will now sell a video teaching people how to hide their stashes (after concluding that the war on drugs is a mess) . . . . . 3 tons of uranium fell from a truck on I-95, but it was low-grade, and sealed, and besides, it was just North Carolina . . . . . An in-labor woman trapped by the snowfall in Fort Collins, Colo., was pulled out of her home in a front-end loader and swung over to the ambulance . . . . . Dick Wolf is on this one right now: Joshua Bush was shot in the head by a man he tried to rob but is fighting doctors who warn that they need to take out the slug, but Bush knows that if they match the bullet, he’s cooked . . . . . In Benton, La., an unnamed couple are feuding with each other over whether it was their dog, or their ferret, that gnawed off four of their baby’s toes . . . . . The Lord: "Hey, pal, I said you need to move!" (Fire took down David Ritchie’s Indianapolis home, the same one hit by tornadoes in 2002 and 2004) . . . . . Even if you’re checking the bag instead of carrying it on, and even if you’re a surgeon, you can’t have luggage that blood is seeping out of . . . . . Perfect storm for a British woman who was born with 2 wombs: Got pregnant in both simultaneously, delivered 3 urchins.