Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A fourth of the American people think it’s "at least somewhat likely" that Jesus will return to Earth in 2007 (46% of white evangelical Christians believe that), according to an AP poll. Pat Robertson is absolutely certain of a mass-murder terrorist attack on the U.S. in 2007, in that God Himself told Pat that at a prayer retreat, and God is absolutely against lying (see Commandment IX). (On the other hand, Pat said that God also told him, last year, that storms would rip the U.S. coastline [a perfectly safe prediction at the time], but it turns out that God was just playin’ Pat, in that He turned on that weak El Niño thing and screwed Pat up good.)

In other God-related news, the family of the late brother of Ohio evangelist Darlene Bishop is suing their aunt/sister-in-law because of her highly-publicized (by her) claims that she had healed him, through prayer, of his throat cancer (thus encouraging him, the family said, not to seek full medical treatment). (Either her powers never worked, or maybe they worked for a while but she got overextended at some point, but in any event, the brother died of throat cancer.)

Canadian researchers made this point, but it’s surely more applicable in the U.S.: It’s only January 3rd, but already most big corporate CEO’s have earned more money in 2007 than you’ll earn in 2007. America and Canada are damn lucky to have such superior people.

The official Hajj this yr is over, with no stoning/crowding deaths, attributable by some to infrastructure improvements in Mecca (improvements which, given the professed need to replicate ancient rituals, seem to Yr Editor vaguely like cheating).

Your Daily Loser
Nancy Dyer, 33, Indianapolis. When informed that her 3-yr-old Damon had been rescued along Interstate 465 clad only in diaper and t-shirt, she apparently shrugged and said to the trooper, "Oh, he got out again." The trooper braved the filthy apartment, with Damon’s 2-yr-old sister eating spaghetti off the floor, and arrested Nancy.

Below The Fold
In South Carolina last yr: Almost 33% of the 122 pedestrian deaths came from people lying down in the road (100.0% of whom were of course shitfaced) . . . . . Saddam’s death is already reverberating, as a 9-yr-old in Pakistan accidentally hanged himself trying to imitate the gallows video . . . . . The apparently-severely-intellectually-challenged Flurisha Cooper, 21, was hospitalized in Chicago for intoxication after a game of Trivial Pursuits (Current Events edition) at which wrong answers required a swig of brandy and a hit of dope . . . . . A Univ. of Minnesota cancer researcher discovers that, in a pinch, smokers could just smoke their toenails . . . . . Awesome: An expectant mother checked into New England Medical Center on New Year’s eve and created little tax exemptions for both 2006 and 2007! . . . . . Rescue workers in South Africa labored 11 hours to free a rather obese woman who entered the Cango Caves attraction but couldn’t squeeze back out (thus trapping 23 visitors behind her) . . . . . Vultures are rapidly approaching extinction around Mumbai, which is a very, very, very bad thing for Zoroastrians, who aren’t allowed to bury their dead but must let natural forces take the corpses, and without vultures, decomp is a slooooow and ugly process . . . . . Who would have thought: Starwood Hotels & Resorts (Westin, Sheraton, etc.) says it has received 8,500 applications so far for its newly-created position of chief beer officer [Wall Street Journal, $].