Can’t Possibly Be True: The housing authority in the town of Loebau, Germany, has rules limiting welfare families to certain-size, small apartments, but it is currently short of those. Solution: Put about 100 families up in larger apartments but prohibit them (under threat of inspection) from using all the rooms. (Seriously)
The Arrangements Have Been Made (continued): FEMA is in the house, in Florida, after the wicked Groundhog Day Tornado that killed 19 and wrecked several hundred homes. Heaviest damage was around the town of Lady Lake, which is mostly middle-class and below, many mobile homes, and only a few homes destroyed in the upscale retirement community of The Villages, about 30 miles away. So where is FEMA set up (along with the insurance companies’ RV offices)? Oh, Lady Lake and environs have some FEMA reps traveling around passing out brochures, promising money-dispensing offices within two weeks, but if you need help before then, you can please drive to our office in The Villages (unless your car is still upside down, that is).
San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom said yesterday that he was checking himself into alcohol rehab after last week being forced to admit that he had had an affair with the wife of his last campaign manager. He quick reported, however (as dedicated gov’t servants do), that he was not actually blaming alcohol for his indiscretion, even though he was. Mel Gibson was drunk, but the rehab he needed was not so much for alcohol but to control, oh, his ignorance about sampling size of ethnic populations involved in good and evil. U.S. Rep. Patrick Kennedy was drunk, but the rehab he needed was not so much for alcohol but to control his sense of privilege. Mark Foley was probably never drunk, and Gavin Newsom may not have been, either, but the rehab they need is not so much for alcohol but to control their dicks. Yr Editor never gets drunk anymore, but if I get to the point of needing rehab, it’ll be to control my manic enjoyment of schadenfreude (but if that gets to be too embarrassing, hell, I might blame it on beer).
Only if you get all of your news from News of the Weird have you not heard this one, but a married lady astronaut allegedly tried to kidnap a woman in a fit of jealousy over a married [CORRECTION: unmarried, but father of two] male astronaut, after driving from Houston to Orlando without stopping to pee (wearing astronauts’ diapers). And the perp is a babe, and the perp was one promotion away from wearing her first star.
Below The Fold
Kevin Pike and his wife Kimberly, in Columbus, Ind., were officially, judicially, declared stupid (and thus they get a lesser sentence on a drug charge) . . . . . New York City children’s services has removed a 20-month-old kid from the happy home of a former breatharian (subsisting only on air and light) guru who has at least moved on to a low-calorie-and-urine diet [from the print edition of the NY Post, 2-5-2007, but which has mysteriously disappeared without a trace from its website and search engines] . . . . . A man in Belle River, Ontario, died when his snowmobile hit a tree stump in a frozen lake (a stump that he had been campaigning for the gov’t to get rid of for three yrs) (but that he still hit, at 40 mph, around midnight) . . . . . A 254-lb. MIT stem-cell researcher has gone on a hunger strike, which will last, he said, until MIT finally admits that the reason it denied him tenure was racism . . . . . Liberty University (Lynchburg, Va., founder: J. Falwell) is considering awarding a free-ride scholarship to the winner of its proposed Cyberfest online gaming competition . . . . . Sounds Like a Joke: The daughter of two lawyers, in a class called "Portraits of the Virtuous Life" at St. Mary’s University (Winona, Minn.), got tired of classmates ragging on lawyers and punched one guy in the face.