Monday, February 26, 2007

"John of God" Solves Health-Care Crisis
Joao de Deus brings his spirit-healer tour to New Zealand this week for 4 days at NZ$150/day (US$106) per ticket, and thousands of people with major illnesses are clearing their calendars. Whether it’s cancer, AIDS, blindness, drug addiction, asthma, or infertility (or more), John can cure it (because his New Zealand sponsor has seen it happen). One catch: You have to abstain from sex for 40 days afterward. Joao said, luckily, he could cure all those things without violating local law with his usual invasive surgeries (forceps up the nose, eyeball-scraping), because his 36 spirits will come in just as loud and clear as they do in Jao’s native Brazil (where he is reportedly a car salesman).

Confusing World Survey of Fetishes Causes Yr Editor to Rethink His Own Fetishes: Italy’s University of Bologna is the oldest continuously-operating degree-granting university in the world, and a couple of its researchers have discovered that more people fetishize navels than legs or butts, and have found 150 people who say they fetishize hearing aids (and 2 get all frisky over pacemakers). Feet/shoes top the list, followed by a big drop-off to underwear, then coats or body fluids or body size.

The N.Y. Times reported yesterday on the clarifying purge conducted by the national Delta Zeta sorority in ridding its house at DePauw University (Greencastle, Ind.) of all 23 of its think-for-themselves women, leaving the 12 Barbies in place (but even 6 of them resigned, in protest). A psych professor’s surveys had characterized the DZ’s as "socially awkward," which was apparently affecting recruiting (and limiting the ability of national Barbies to lord their superiority over the geeks).

Below The Fold
The power of the press is a nat’l treasure because otherwise, who’d have thought (besides the NY Post) to hire facial-recognition computer techs to conceptualize Anna Nicole’s baby all grown up so we could see who the daddy is [It’s Larry!] . . . . . Fine Point of the Law: A 16-yr-old girl won a jackpot at a Macau casino, and they had to pay off because it’s only illegal for an underager "to enter" a casino, not "to gamble" . . . . . Larry Manzanares is Denver city attorney and a former judge, and he says the reason he was in possession of a stolen city computer was that he, er, bought it from a guy in a parking lot (which is, what, where all ex-judges do their shopping) . . . . . Wow, lesbian koalas (but only in captivity, which suggests simply a rejection of the ugly captive males) . . . . . Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity, of killing her granddaughter, because the woman might have gotten that idea from those geese she communicates with . . . . . What Went Around Came Around for three Pakistanis, who got blown to bits when the bombs they were carrying exploded after they hit a bump on their bicycle . . . . . The New York City Health Dept. disclosed that the KFC/Taco Bell in Greenwich Village, which was overrun by rats on the weekend, actually passed inspection on Thursday . . . . . The Council on Foreign Relations voted to accept Angelina Jolie as a member.