Flash! Gov’t screwups! / Military service causes ‘roids / Sikhs get down with Turban Pride / And the very, very fattening Jesus
Civilization in Decline
Close enough for gov’t work: (1) EPA fined the Dept. of Energy $1.1m for disregarding agreed-to inspections of the Hanford nuclear reservation (which it is cleaning up, over the next, er, 28 yrs), and (2) USDA acknowledged that the law has required for 30 yrs that it inspect certain meat processing plants daily but that it, uh, hasn’t exactly kept to that schedule . . . . . A Scripps Howard investigation found the VA disability system already so strained that returnees from Iraq and Afghanistan will totally crush it, and that a big current clogger is the hundreds of thousands now on disability with things like shaving bumps and hemorrhoids . . . . . Same old song, but Georgetown University (rated around the top 20 or 30, bookwise) has a thing for basketball players who have been academically rehabbed at something called the Lutheran Christian Academy in Philadelphia, including a recently departed player whose public-high school GPA was 1.33, with F’s in 12 courses.
The Human Condition Today
While Yr Editor is modest in his regard for the Postal Service, it says here that John and Sue Conway have to get their mail at the local post office (since May) because their home mailbox was installed on the "wrong" side of the street and, dammit, we’re not moving it (because nobody told us about that when we moved in) . . . . . Fool Me Once, etc., But Fool Me Four Times—: An O’Charley’s restaurant manager (Bloomington, Ind.) finally got the hang of the diner who had been in on four straight Wednesdays, ordered 2 cocktails and a steak each time, then skipped out on the check . . . . . In Australia, a "former judge and human rights advocate," Marcus Einfeld, was caught trying to avoid a $77 speeding ticket (US$62) by lying that he had loaned the car out that day, but the loanee had actually been dead for 3 yrs . . . . . Alexander David Cross, arrested for statutory rape of a 15-yr-old girl 10 days earlier, is revealed in a jailhouse shower to actually be Elaine Ann Cross, causing prosecutors to lighten up a bit . . . . . Yesterday was the first official sampling of the smell of the cheddar-cheese ball maturing at the 24/7 Internet site that has grabbed more than a half a million hits since January.
Inexplicable animal-carcass dumpings: Salamonia, Ind. (about 250 in plastic bags in a picturesque countryside) and Islip, N.Y. ("scores" dumped in front of the town hall despite the fact that local taxes have gone down for 13 straight yrs) . . . . . A man led police on a high-speed chase in Stratford, Conn., before revealing himself to be either Dick Cheney or Jaclyn Smith or Paris Hilton’s brother-in-law [Ed.: thus falling short of the all-time delusional trifecta of James Traficant, Betty White, and a cousin of Carrot Top, ba-dap-bap*] . . . . . Who knew that Sikhs are having such a tough time convincing their young people to wear the turban? (Hence the need for "turban pride" events like World Turban Day and Mr. Singh Int’l pageants, plus the "Smart Turban 1.0" CD-ROM.) [* – I made up that trifecta]
When we last visited sidestream artist Cosimo Cavallaro, he was making a cheese mess in a NYC apartment [NOTW 598, 7-23-1999], and now he checks in with a 200-lb., anatomically correct, milk-chocolate statue of Jesus, right on time for Easter (with, of course, several Catholic spokesmen going nuts) (but for the record: only 485,000 calories and 27,000g/fat but, hey, 17,280 percent of your daily requirement for calcium!).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.