Thursday, March 22, 2007

Thursday’s Drip
Walter Reed Army hospital may have mold, but an Oregon VA clinic has bats / Hey, tourists, Florida will soon have enough toilet paper / Another public health official tells petrified, pee-in-pants patients that the risk is "low" / And Yr Editor’s rough Wednesday, uh, accuracywise.

Civilization in Decline
More woes for wounded veterans: Now it’s a VA report disclosing about 1,000 routine maintenance problems system-wide, plus about 100 serious ones, including a clinic in White City, Ore., with roof leaks and a large colony of bats . . . . . Pennsylvania enforced its underage-drinking law that requires a 90-day suspension of driving privileges, with the only hitch being that this guy’s violation, at age 14, was in 1988, and the suspension was ordered, out of the blue, this yr (though after a TV action-line howl, it was canceled) . . . . . A hospital in Vegreville, Alberta, was put on restrictions after an audit turned up "flesh and blood left on tools and inside scopes," but a province health official said as they always do, "We believe the risk is very low" . . . . . The leading "prosperity ministry" in Brazil has taken a shot, in that its Pentecostal pastors, Estevam and Sonia Hernandes, were recently arrested in Miami for smuggling money into the country, including inside a Bible . . . . . Three Indiana middle-school kids who co-produced a "movie" of bears attacking a teacher (who Dan Clevenger though was obviously him) and who were subsequently suspended, landed a $69k contract—uh, well, it was actually a $69k settlement from the school for its hastiness to punish them . . . . . A Florida state senator thinks there’s a real problem with restaurants not having enough toilet paper on hand for patrons, hence, S.B. 1462 [scroll down].

The Human Condition Today
Oh, my, now it’s the Christian residents of a Russian village, who refuse to pick up their pension checks until the gov’t stops bar-coding them, in that the bar codes might contain three 6's . . . . . A very, very tired NOTW genre (the obsessive wannabe-cop who makes a traffic stop) got some extra life in Boca Raton, Fla., because, uh, the male fake-cop is really a female, and that came as a big surprise to the female companion riding with the fake-cop, and the fake cop is the granddaughter of a co-founder of NASCAR . . . . . Another No Longer Weird story, but with a twist: Maureen McLaughlin took in cats for rescue but was just charged with drowning 650 of them with the best explanation being that she was really, really dissatisfied with the local (Columbus, Ohio) pet-adoption procedures (Bonus: mugshot).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Malcolm Maker, 48, was arrested for hiding out in a ladies’ room at the Mohegan Sun casino in Connecticut, having reportedly ripped the tampon-disposal rack off of a wall so he could peer into the adjacent stall.

Yr Editor strongly supports the quest for knowledge and so couldn’t be prouder of the team, led by Jeffrey Adams of the Univ. of Maryland, who solved the "Lie group E8" mathematics puzzle, which took four yrs, involved 60x as much data as the Human Genome Project, would have papered over NY’s Manhattan island if the proof had been written out in longhand (but took up as many computer GB’s as 45 days of continuous MP3 music). What is it, exactly? The team says you’d never understand it; that many mathematicians don’t understand it; and besides, it has no practical application that they know of. Great job, fellas. Damn proud of ya! (But the story includes a visual.)

NOTW, The Blog
Yesterday was one of Yr Editor’s worst days, accuracywise. What went wrong? (1) The anti-rape condom is not a male condom; it’s worn by the female so that when the rapist does his thing, he’s automatically in big trouble. [I have written about that three times in the past. Why did I completely ignore my previously correct understanding? This is evidence that I have about two more years left before I start appearing in News of the Weird.] (2) The lawyer Alan Burkitt (who pimped out the 52-IQ girlfriend) is probably not a lawyer but just a minor local official. (3) The poor bureaucrat who re-formatted the hard drive and lost all the oil-benefits-distribution records actually also reformatted the first-option backup drive, too, and then discovered that the tape backup was corrupted, meaning it was actually plan-d that the state was left with. (4) Even more important than the Chinese celebrants’ leaving paper images of Viagra at the cemetery so their deceased relatives can have better sex in the afterlife is the fact that they left paper images of condoms, too . . ..
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.