Lose your cherry—Deal or No Deal? / stuck to the roof "like a beetle on its back" / Drop that joystick now, you maggot! / "I’m glad I’m not him"
Civilization in Decline
U.S. TV producers are now packaging "Virgin Territory" (for, they say, Spike or Fox), where a bunch of lifelong solo-artist males live together and must resist giving in to temptresses, with the "winner" entitled to a grand freebie . . . . . Merck lost a Vioxx lawsuit in Atlantic City, bringing its record now to 9 wins, 5 losses [which, as a way of deciding serious public policy, reminds Yr Editor of deciding something by coin toss, and then the loser says, OK, best of 3, and then, OK, OK, best of 5, and so on, and so on] . . . . . Massachusetts realizes that its "Department of Mental Retardation" is misnamed, since it actually helps people with illnesses and provides no support at all for the state’s many, many people who are just plain stupid . . . . . The Houston Federation of Teachers, who of course insist that they are never in it for themselves but only looking out for their students, demanded that an erroneous school bookkeeping payout of $75k be kept by the teachers (hey, your mistake, not ours) and not returned to the needy school district . . . . . A report from China’s successful boot-camp-type retreat for Internet game/porn addicts, with a part-counseling, part-military mindset.
The Human Condition Today
According to the prosecutor, Melanie McGuire knew she wanted her husband dead, but she didn’t understand that her computer activity could be traced (e.g., her search of "how to commit murder" and her use of Walgreens.com to find the nearest store where she could buy the chloral hydrate) . . . . . Amy Berner brought her 6-month-old car in for an oil change but didn’t leave until she had leased a brand-new car, and it was all because of that pesky bipolar disorder . . . . . Two guys burglarized a Troutdale, Ore., municipal building and made off with tools, including 2-way radios, but then just had to play on them (and arrange a meeting at the Plaid Pantry for a beer, where the police, who monitor said 2-way frequency, were waiting).
Your Daily Loser
The California Highway Patrol found a truck on a freeway ramp in Ontario, Calif., with the engine warm and $3m worth of marijuana in it. They guessed the engine overheated, and the driver might have panicked. A CHP spokesman said they don’t know who the driver was but that somebody certainly knows. Said the spokesman, "I’m glad I’m not him."
From Reuters: "A 91-yr-old German sparked a rescue operation when he slipped mending his roof and got stuck fast in tar 'like a beetle on its back,' police said on Tuesday" . . . . . The Minneapolis bank robber with a most casual getaway: hit bank, then liquor-store errand, then grab a sandwich, finally hop a bus home (and, yeah, he made it) . . . . . And beware Florida "doctor" Marc Goulet, but also beware anyone who agreed to be "treated" by someone who looks like that [Oh, but isn’t that Dr. Koop’s kinda-demented idea about facial hair?]
The Pentagon wants those Native Americans who help the U.S. Border Patrol track down smugglers and traffickers from Mexico (the Shadow Wolves) [NOTW Daily, 2-3-2007] to help them trace Osama bin Laden in Tajikistan. [I know, but Pakistan won’t let ‘em in, plus, it’s dangerous, and besides, the Pentagon thinks OBL has been to Tajikistan.]
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.