Friday, April 20, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
Farmer Richard Gordon, 41, arrested when Australian airport authorities found 729 grams of ephedrine strapped to his thighs and groin, said he’s not a meth manufacturer or trafficker. His story: He needed it for a sick albino buffalo, swear to God. And the reason why he jumped bail in December? That was because he was afraid of brush fires on his ranch and so had to go accompany his buffaloes on foot to safer ground because the poor dears can’t be transported by strangers. Yr Editor sure hopes he’s not telling the truth.

Civilization in Decline
The Virginia Tech tragedy is now nearly complete, and by that, I mean that Rev. Fred Phelps will be picketing in Blacksburg (seeing as how the victims are all in hell now because none of them was a true Christian). Cho is in hell, too, on a commandments-violation, but at least, the Phelpses say, he was carrying out God’s wishes . . . . . Say What? A direct descendent of the Prophet Muhammad is an actor doing gay porn in NYC . . . . . Flash! In Macedonia, it’s a common punishment of your kids to make them eat chilis (scroll down the story).

The Human Condition Today
According to the quote, the reason the big-rig driver lost control and overturned was, “I just looked down briefly on the floor where I had thrown a couple of doughnuts I was going to eat later” . . . . . So a janitor applies to be a Connecticut state trooper, and a friend gives him “great” advice, i.e., be totally honest in the interview, so he volunteers that he fondled an underage girl a few yrs back (which absolutely no one knew about until right then, and which the girl didn’t even recall because she was asleep), and now, he’s toast . . . . . Details are missing, but in Tulsa, Okla., a biker, at 120 mph and with helmet but no evidence of brake use, plowed into the back of a semi, impaled himself, and was dragged along for a while until the driver could stop . . . . . Art Mania! (1) Henk van Leeuwen was jailed for 7 yrs in Sydney for his “obsessive” collecting/possessing, i.e., theft, of 2,000 artifacts from a natural history museum, and (2) the finance and operations director of the Austin (Tex.) Museum of Art was caught, with his wife, allegedly stealing pieces (in the still of the night) from the tents housing the town’s fine arts festival.

More Japanese cuisine: cookies made with the “essence of jellyfish” (reportedly “delicious”!) . . . . It’s not what Charles Dickens had in mind, but in a Dallas courtroom, the law was an ass (or at least, defendant’s Exhibit A was) . . . . . Space-Age Surgical Breakthroughs: (1) a tiny creepy-crawly robot that climbs all over your actual heart, probing this, delivering that, and (2) gallbladder removal via incision in the, er, vagina (which was called “repulsive” by one progressive female surgeon) (but which still wasn’t as bad as the appendix removed via the mouth) (Seriously).

NOTW, The Blog
Not only is it getting to be No Longer Weird that all these drunk drivers lately keep blowing readings beyond “fatal” (0.4 and above), like this Washington state chick (and former cop), at 0.47, but these readings are all obviously the products of badly calibrated breathalyzers. Actual blood-draw toxicology readings (which are usually useless as a traffic-stop weapon because they require actual, specific consent and also because of the delay in getting the drunk to a lab) would undoubtedly be lower than for the blow machines.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.