Friday, April 27, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
The FBI in Ohio wants the public’s help in finding the man [Ed.: Well, that’s an assumption] who has mailed letters to various news outlets and college athletic officials, threatening random citizens with harm because TV coverage of cheerleaders focuses too much on their covered-up areas. [He needs skin!] An FBI spokesman said the threat was shrugged off at first, but then a second batch of letters showed up last winter, e.g., a warning that a TV producer who de-emphasized skin could cause "88 people to be assaulted and shot at."

Civilization in Decline
Speaking of threats, police in Cary, Ill., arrested a straight-A Asian high school student who had turned in a paper for creative writing class that managed to "disturb" his teacher (old: "driving while black"; new: "writing while Asian," said NOTW newsranger Emory Kimbrough) . . . . . It’s baa-aack! Schoolkids and Satanic sex abuse! It’s in Italy this time, but no matter: Believe the children because they’d never make up stuff about that! . . . . . 419'ers graduate to the Big Stage: Widespread evidence of fraud in last weekend’s Nigerian elections included one decision to award the ruling PDP a senate seat in a race in which it didn’t field a candidate.

The Human Condition Today
Only in Nova Scotia: William Crouse, creamed in his pickup truck by a passing train, thinks it must be the train's fault . . . . . Yesterday’s Cat Fights: At their kids’ elementary school in Gary, Ind., two long-feuding women squared off with, respectively, a pocket knife and a tire iron, and two women in the same car on I-694 in a Minneapolis suburb just couldn’t give it a rest, and the driver stopped right in the middle of the highway, and the two got out and started slugging . . . . . And yesterday’s, er, male Cat Fight: In a Washington state town, fire commissioners Allen Yanity, 71, and Jim Bosch, 64, are continuing to despise each other, especially after Tuesday’s meeting, when Yanity clobbered Bosch on the head with a coffee mug . . . . . Latest episode of celebrity "don’t you know who I am?": And not even a celebrity, but just a member of the Massachusetts Governor’s Council, who was irate because a beauty shop wouldn’t take her check (and who wields a mean curling iron) . . . . . Readers’ Choice: Washington, D.C., lawyer (and administrative judge) Roy Pearson filed a lawsuit against Custom Cleaners (for losing his to-be-altered pants) for, uh, $65,462,500.00.

Your Daily Losers
Aaron Hudgins, 26, and Ruan Rucker, 24, were rescued after being trapped and missing for almost 24 hrs inside a mine in Kanawha County, W.Va. After the rescue, they were immediately arrested, in that the only reason they were there was to steal copper.

There’s something in the folklore of Chongqing municipality in China that says women rule, so the tourist bureau is turning a district into "women’s town," where women are gods and men whimper . . . . . A Japanese company is said to have sold cut-rate poodles to thousands of starry-eyed Japanese buyers (saving them over $1,000 each), who only later found out they were just small sheep. [UPDATE: pretty well put the nail in this one as an empty story, and you'll notice the shakiness of Yr Editor's own initial conviction, i.e., "is said to have"].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
"My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site. If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links."
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.