Monday, April 23, 2007

[NOTE: Don't miss the new feature, Professor Music's Weird Links, at the bottom of this post.]

Monday’s 5-Star Special
A Texas state senator, Carlos Uresti, got his bill passed resoundingly, 26-4, to keep 18-yr-olds (including 18-yr-olds at Fort Hood training for Iraq combat), from buying cigarettes, on the ground, of course, that what’s really going to shorten their lives is smoking. They have to wait ‘til they’re 19, according to the bill.

Civilization in Decline
It seems to Yr Editor like a slam-dunk source of easy gov’t revenue: follow suspended-driver’s-license convicts out of the courthouse to see how they get home, and in Illinois, if they drive, the state wins their car (but a Chicago Sun-Times investigation says many, many are still getting away with it) . . . . . A less-appropriate source of gov’t revenue: Britain’s Home Office says victims of car theft should pay the equivalent of about $200 if they expect police to "forensicate" (DNA, fingerprints) the cars they eventually recover without a perp . . . . . To keep all those sociopathic Ivy Leaguers from going over the edge, Yale has decreed that any weapons appearing in campus stage productions have to be obviously dorky-looking toys . . . . . Sheryl Crow would never deprive us of our rights, but one limit she’d like to see would be a max of 3 squares of toilet paper per visit, and usually just 1 . . . . . Missouri is a big player of the stupid game that allows "riverboat casinos" on non-rivers that are just specially-dug ponds on which the casino floats, raising the question of why you need body of water around a casino, anyway—oh, wait, here’s a reason.

The Human Condition Today
Southern Oregon Univ. dean’s lister and campus senator, Brandi Freeman, running for student president, said, Never mind, I made up that tearful reference about having a friend who died at Virginia Tech, ‘cause I thought it would get me votes . . . . . The Fine Line Between "Weird" and "Mentally Ill": Veteran sailor plus novice shove off, 70-ft. sailboat, nearly-3-yr voyage, 3x around the globe, no port stops, no wimpily going through the Panama Canal, either . . . . . Suspended sentences go to four women who, on video, forced a boy, 2, to fight a girl, 3, using some measure of viciousness (Bonus: the four are the kids’ mother, grandmother, aunt, and aunt) (Extra bonus: they’re from Central Casting, as you can see).

Your Daily Losers
Two guys walked into a Postal Annex in Portland, Ore., with a folding knife, demanding the contents of the cash drawer, but when one had trouble getting the knife out, like, with his thumbnail, the clerks started giggling, and one faked calling 911, whereupon the perps split

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
A Connecticut court bailiff resigned and got community service for a great idea he had: to convince a homeless couple to have sex for his viewing pleasure (by telling them he was an insurance executive who needed to test condoms on new sperm-enhancing bedsheets) (Seriously).

In Changsha, China, a girl, 10, fell off a balcony and went right through the open sun roof of a car (broken hand, only) . . . . . Ho-hum: Another grown woman getting pregnant by a teenager, but at least she’s a hottie . . . . . Something almost as gross as that: A college student (victim of a random attack) gets a metal chair leg through his eye socket (with x-ray) (Bonus: "I forgive [the perp], totally") . . . . . Readers’ Choice: A correctional facility in LaGrange, Ky., released a prisoner solely on the authority of a fax from the "Kentucky Supreme Court" (on letterhead-less paper, full of typos, with the imprinted originator being a local grocery store).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Today Yr Editor introduces a new feature of choice Weird Links, anchored by the eccentric, eclectic, long-time member of the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors, the Hon. Paul Music (but others’ contributions are certainly welcome). The best Weird Links will be those where the creator wasn’t trying to be weird (although, if he's trying, and it's really, really good, OK). (But ordinary joke sites are not what Yr Editor has in mind.) We’ll kick it off with an evergreen, just so you get the picture: all you’d ever want to know about the many benefits of, uh, having an actual hole in your head.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.