Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thursday’s 5-Star Special
Britain’s Dept. of Work and Pensions acknowledged that, though polygamy is illegal, if an immigrant arrives with multiple wives, gov’t rules say that they’re all dependents for welfare purposes. (Bonus: Under the rules, the allowance differential for the first wife is actually a little less than the allowance differential for the subsequent wives.) (Islam, of course, supposedly permits polygamy but only if the husband can take care of the wives financially.)

Civilization in Decline
The world’s oldest continuously operating family business, Japan’s Kongo Gumi, was bought out after 14 centuries of service (it builds Buddhist temples) . . . . . A confessed Canadian shoplifter won his lawsuit (C$12k) because security guards had tackled him, breaking a tooth . . . . . In another Canadian gem, a judge rules that it’s OK to drive drunk if you’re suicidal (that is, if you’re rushing to get life-saving help for No. 1, even if you're a menace to kill all the other No.'s on the highway) . . . . . A Philadelphia firefighter is a part-time rapper (sample lyric: “I got a surprise for them cops . . [I]’m gonna turn pigs into bacon bits”) named Cal Akbar (“Cal” being short for “calibre”), and the Fraternal Order of Police has a problem with that. (But in sympathy with firefighters, Yr Editor reports that Jeffrey Cullen got 5 months in jail in Kingman, Ariz., this week because, when firefighters declined to get his cat out of a tree, he pulled a piece and started firing.)

The Human Condition Today
A 13-yr-old kid in St. Louis, showing off to win a $5 bet, climbed triumphantly to the top of an electricity tower (but then got burned and fell, and the family is suing the utility for at least $350k) . . . . . His wife is the mayor, but his ex-wife is running against her, and he’s voting for the ex- ‘cause his wife’s politics are too liberal . . . . . Here in Weird Central, there’s a hearing next week (with a trial possible in July) over whether two locals can keep the dogs they adopted after Hurricane Katrina when the original owner in N’awlins had only temporarily fled his home; one adopter has been represented by one of this area’s biggest-ticket lawyers for a year now (but the lawyer may be working for a reduced fee since his client is a local prosecuting attorney) . . . . . An apprentice plumber, first day on the job in Kingswear, England, mis-blowtorched some insulation, and a mansion worth the equivalent of $10m burned to the ground.

Your Daily Loser
South Carolinian Kenneth Glenn Hinson, 48, who is a poster-child candidate for post-punishment detention of sex offenders (except that he hasn’t been convicted yet, but never mind), said “I’m very proud of it” when his prosecutor described for the court the construction and layout of his “Wild Bill” [Silence of the Lambs]-type underground dungeon, in which he allegedly kept two teenage girls before they escaped in March 2006. (Bonus: photo)

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Former principal Robert Holloway of Lorain, Ohio, was convicted of a sex charge because, after betting with three male students over a staff volleyball game, he apparently enjoyed paying off a little too much, in that he had promised to kiss their feet if they won. Since police found hundreds of photos of foot-kissing on Holloway’s computer, they decided he had been up to no-good all along. [Ed.: Now, on the other hand, the kids apparently took themselves merely to be winners of a bet and witnesses to the degrading behavior of foot-kissing; apparently none thought he was the victim of life-scarring sex. Nonetheless . . ..]

Glory Days! The Amora Academy (a sex theme park, not quite “Disney with dildos”) opened in London with exhibits on how to search for the G-spot, on the vibrator hooked up to a power drill, and an hour's worth of more stuff) . . . . . 25 girls were turned away from their high school prom in a N’awlins suburb, mostly on cleavage violations (but, said, one mom, “There are some breasts you [just] can’t hide in a dress”) . . . . . A Chinese nudist woman (who runs a naturists’ web-cammed chat room) was acquitted of pornography charges in the suddenly enlightened People’s Republic.

While more Phillipines crucifixions took place this year on Good Friday, another local contingent slashed their backs with blades and flagellated themselves [Ed.: and you thought only Muslims did that?], but now comes word that one of the self-flagellees came down with rabies, which is bad, because they shared the blade.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.