Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Wednesday’s Drip
Painfully cowardly (or is it "painfully polite"?) Brits / Murderer fights for his victim’s insurance money / The teacher done flung dung / And where’s my toe?

Civilization in Decline
Being your now-regular news report on pussified Britons: (1) The nat’l health and safety agency posts this sign in its offices: "Do not lift tables or chairs without giving 48 hours notice to HSE management." (2) A study funded by the gov’t supposedly found at least one school (they think more) where a history teacher has madrassa’ed up the curriculum by intentionally ignoring the Holocaust and the Crusades . . . . . There’s a big appeal brewing in Vermont over a 2005 drug-deal shooting, where a dealer who shot a customer got 90 days (state law), but the poor shootee got five yrs (federal law, since the shootee was the one who brought the gun on the premises, before it got taken away from him by the dealer in a struggle) . . . . . Chutzpah: Ronald Cram, convicted of murdering his wife for the insurance money in 2002, has been contesting the policy for five yrs now, on the ground that, well, since his appeal is still pending, the insurance company has to keep the money warm for him . . . . . The fire marshal in Crestview, Fla., finally dismissed the bomb squad from a convenience-store call after concluding that the suspicious object was a "telephone book someone had placed on the ice machine outside," with the Northwest Florida Daily News reporting that it took the marshal’s men "five hours" to reach their conclusion [4-1-2007, no longer online].

The Human Condition Today
A very unsatisfying piece in the Toronto Star reported only that elementary school principal Maria Pantalone had been suspended for throwing caca on a kid because she "couldn’t take it anymore" (but, really, Mr. Reporter, the circumstances need to be revealed) . . . . . An India Indian couple, ages 67 and 63, take The Only Way Out, leaving a note giving their dog’s recent death as the clincher.

Your Daily Loser
Claude White, 34, was arrested in Elizabethton, Tenn., after allegedly stealing a forklift, or at least that’s what police think, since the forklift was found abandoned, on its side, with White’s shoes, socks, and one severed toe underneath.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Tool of the Trade: Michael Derenberger, 40, was arrested in Hernando, Fla., outside a neighbor girl’s window, in possession of a long pole with a hook on the end, which police said he used to reach in and pull the comforter off of the sleeping girl. And according to a DNA test, there was a happy ending beside the window.

Update
Rev. Fred Phelps has now extended his anti-gay fatwa to Sweden’s royal family, who are somehow responsible because a Phelps Swedish colleague was convicted of anti-gay incitement. "You’re doomed to spend eternity in hell, all you Swedes and your Swedish king and his family."

NOTW Lite
Associated Press Buries the Lede: AP announced that Marine Robert Zabala has been awarded conscientious-objector status etc. etc. etc. Better lede: Recently, the Marines promoted a guy (Zabala) to lance corporal even though he is apparently grossed out by violence . . . . . Awesome: The Malaysian gov’t has two black labradors who are the only dogs in the world trained to sniff out the polycarbonate and chemicals used to make CDs and DVDs (so the gov’t can ferret out the usually-illegal ones that are hidden away and undeclared in cargo) [Bonus: Smugglers have put out a contract on the dogs!] . . . . . Here’s yet another DUI where the "driver" was not in a car but, well, on horseback—but wait, it’s not DUI if you’re driving a Zamboni . . . . . Tony Borglum has decided that a commercial obstacle course for maneuvering tanks and armored vehicles is just what the Waseca-Owatonna (Minn.) metroplex needs.

NOTW, The Blog
Not so sure here because Reuters’s source is the website of a newspaper called Kuaibao in Nanjing, China: A woman hanging out laundry on a 6th floor balcony fell but was only slightly injured when she fortuitously landed in an 8-inch-high pile of caca (and as with the previous caca story, above, we really needed details).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.