Friday, May 18, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
A customer from the Cincinnati, Ohio, area accidentally discovered that his TKO-brand heavy punching bag, that his son and he use, is filled not with sand or plastic stuff but with, er, men’s and women’s swimsuits and underwear, and not all of it was clean underwear. A company rep admitted they’ve had quality-control problems.

REMINDER: NOTW Daily is posted Mon through Sat by noon, NY time—except this month, when it’s Mon-Wed-Fri only, and Friday by 4 p.m.


Civilization in Decline
A parody-come-to-life of Madison County, Ill., personal-injury cases (Madison is the Gates of Hell for U.S. tort law): A woman got $311K because she was holding the door open for a cop at a Pizza Hut, and an employee yanked it further open, apparently (according to a courthouse chiropractor) destroying the woman’s back as she knows it . . . . . The only foreseeable monkey wrench in the eventually-world-dominating Chinese business machinery (according to Reuters): "Some Chinese Communist officials have turned to once-outlawed feng shui masters to get a better chance of promotion."

The Human Condition Today
The county commissioners in Chicago approved a payout of $4.1K to an employee out of work because she slipped on a banana peel . . . . . An 18-yr-old tagger in Santa Fe, N.Mex., went over the concrete wall and razor wire at an electrical substation so that he could graffiti-up the place, and right now, he’s at death’s door with 3rd-degree burns (with a whole cabinet of paint on the Other Side, gently whispering, ‘Come on over’) . . . . Hector Pulido, 40, was arrested in Bridgeport, Conn., and charged with biting the hell out of his 3-yr-old nephew (to, of course, teach the kid not to go around biting people) . . . . . Unclear on the Concept: He, suicidal, shot himself, and then walked to the funeral home . . . . . A hospital in Kumamoto, Japan, set up an incubator dropbox to discourage abortion (Moms: just dump your unwanted infant right after birth and be on your way), but now authorities are searching for the man who dropped off his 3-yr-old kid.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
That would be the various customers (a few years ago, because she’s been on the lam since 2001) of Stafford, Va., dominatrix Patricia "Mistress Jesse" Meehan, whose primary sadism technique, apparently, is forcing her customers to look at her beautiful face. (And, as long as we’re on mugshots, you could glance at this mom and her adult son, who apparently get it on with each other. Yr Editor will take the reporter’s word that the pair are blood-related, in that I don’t want to click the link anymore, because it hurts.)

NOTW Lite
Yr Editor never gets tired of flying cows: A motorist was killed in Western Australia when he hit a cow in the road, and it flew up in the air and crashed through the flimsy roof of his Ford SUV [Ed.: Call Consumer Reports!] . . . . . Bloomberg News informs us that the richest person in Asia is a Chinese guy named Ka-shing . . . . . Kids at Goldenview Elementary in Anchorage have grilled hot dogs for a class project for the last 10 yrs, using moose-turd briquettes.

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
A small state school in San Diego was the victim of a billing scheme that ran them well into the hundreds of dollars, perhaps into the thousands, and so far, the investigator they hired to get to the bottom of it has interim-billed $195K, and a school trustee says the caper will run $1M before it’s over, and the government-type angle to this is that officials say the school should get to the bottom of it even if it costs multi-millions.

Updates
Everybody knows wrestling is fake, but here, they’re referring to those Taiwanese legislators who periodically brawl on the floor of parliament (incidents News of the Weird has naively reported several times); a number of them told Reuters that it’s mostly staged, to impress the folks back home that they "fight" for their constituents . . . . . President Bob of Zimbabwe still hasn’t figured out that pesky inflation thing yet, which was about 1,500 percent when we last noted it [NOTW Daily, 2-13-2007], and now rests at 3,731 percent (but it’s probably broken 4,000 since I read this story early this morning).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Rev. Fred Phelps is front-and-center this week because he scheduled a picketing at Jerry Falwell’s funeral in Lynchburg, Va., on the ground that Falwell has fraternized with sodomites (as have "backsliders" Billy Graham, Robert Schuler, and Pat Robertson), and thus, his death "split Hell wide open the instant he died." Well, you can read that press release along with various preachings, music that you never heard in church, and a video experience not quite up to Rocky Horror standards, but close. You can click this link, or you can type in http://www.WestboroBaptistChurch.org, in which case you’ll be re-directed to the main Westboro page, which is, of course, http://www.GodHatesFags.com/

Newsrangers: Vance Bass.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.