Monday’s 5-Star Special
The latest instance of Yr Editor’s favorite murderers also includes this price list of the alleged perp, David Wayne French, a professional psychic who charges, e.g., $135/hr for "astral travel" consulting and $155/hr for "3rd eye mastery." (Bonus: He's still on the lam) (Double Bonus: He's a girl)
REMINDER: NOTW Daily is posted Mon through Sat by noon, NY time—except this month, when it’s Mon-Wed-Fri only, and Friday by 4 p.m.
Civilization in Decline
Look what’s OK in U.S. politics now: A Colorado jury said it was Constitutionally protected political "speech" when Kathleen Ensz left a selection of dog feces at the door of her U.S. Congresswoman in Greeley . . . . . A new reality TV show in the Netherlands, starring a terminally-ill woman who must choose between three suck-ups who desperately need one of her kidneys . . . . . Toshikatsu Matsuoka (Agriculture Minister of Japan) has committed suicide over a scandal, thus demonstrating the embarrassing ineptitude of Japanese politicians, for there is utterly no American official who would be caught dead not trying to deny, weasel, and worm his way out of any scandal (and in fact, we even allow weaseling by Americans who lose entire wars for us) . . . . . Speaker Tom Craddick had a busy week, conducting the business of the Texas House of Representatives with almost cartoonish kangaroo-ness, almost provoking a Taiwan-like brawl at the podium . . . . . One more time, Ohio plays the F State’s bitch: Yeah, we might screw up an execution once in a while, but the O State couldn’t find a vein for Christopher Newton’s 10 a.m. meeting with His Maker, and he wasn’t pronounced dead until 11:53 (but actually, he was pretty genial about it).
The Human Condition Today
A fired Connecticut secretary sues the company for $33M for not letting her work at home to accommodate her wintertime sadness syndrome, but more important, a Fort Lauderdale, Fla., man sues a dog owner for $1M after the pooch bit him on the chest and thus rendered one of his erogenous zones useless . . . . . An actual Chuck Palahniuk-style fight club, in the San Francisco area, made up of computer tech types . . . . . Sorry for the return to the feces motif, but in some place in Ireland [It says here "Alt Aoibhinn, Meenanillen, Derrybeg," but yeah, as if], an estranged boyfriend allegedly came back home and pooped into her spaghetti sauce, but the best he could come up with was that she pooped into her own spaghetti sauce . . . . . A Denver hospital patient, brought in unconscious after getting drunk, falling, and hitting her head, filed a complaint against the hospital because the doctor gave as formal discharge instructions, for her not to get drunk, fall, and hit her head.
Your Daily Loser
Christopher Emmorey, 23, was sentenced to 2 yrs in prison for robbing a Peterborough, Ont., bank, which he ought to have known he wasn’t equipped to do, in that he had demanded $5K from the teller but stood stoically while the teller handed over $200, saying that’s all he was getting, plus, plus the teller took back $5 and told Christopher it was a "service fee" because Christopher wasn’t a regular customer, so he slinked off with $195.
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Tucson, Ariz., FBI Agent Ryan Seese, who should be out finding terrorists, for heaven’s sake, was arrested in the ladies’ room at the student union at U of Arizona, wanking gloriously for the cleaning lady. He had left his gun and ID in the car, but that might just have been to make room in his pocket for that (under-the-stall) mirror.
In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., Albert Facchiano, a made Mafioso who was first arrested in 1932, was sentenced to 6 mos.’ house arrest on his latest racketeering conviction (he’s, er, 97) . . . . . The Chicago Sun-Times reported that the city had quietly raised its dog-licensing fee this year ($5 per dog, plus $22.50 per testicle or $45 per uterus, if they’ve got ‘em) . . . . . The Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s burger company is feuding with Jack In The Box burger company over the latter’s making fun of the body part you can spell using the former’s "Angus" beef claim . . . . . The Hindustan Times reports an elephant in Orissa state was imposing a one-"man" roadblock that he’ll break only if you roll your window down and let him search your car for food.
FBI Agent Seese may understand that he has a problem, but our old friend the Oklahoma penis-pump judge, Donald Thompson, is apparently the least shameful public wanker of my generation. He was just turned down for early release, in part based on the fact that (despite prison recording policy) he’s always sexing it up on the phone with his girlfriend. [NOTE: Link goes to a report on NY’s quixotic NorthCountryGazette.org, which has the most expansive version, which I link to for those readers who are unfamiliar with Judge Thompson's journeys through News of the Weird. (And why aren't you familiar with them? Hey, this is "Pro Edition.") However, stories are also available in The Daily Oklahoman and in Associated Press dispatches.]
Professor Music’s Weird Links
Here’s another evergreen link, or, rather, an updated evergreen [from Fark.com]: Mainichi Daily News’s "Wackiest World" of Japanese Ice Cream of remarkably stupid flavors, a companion to its "Wacky" World and "Wackier" World, with the latest featuring a nice carton of pit viper flavored ice cream (said to be an aphrodisiac, but horrible-tasting).
Newsrangers: Ginger Katz, Kevin Dean, Harry Farkas.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.