Monday, May 21, 2007

Monday’s 5-Star Special
A serious problem if you don’t speak English very well, and you’re drunk as a skunk, and your remote, one-car accident leaves you dependent on telling 911 exactly where you are [911 dispatcher, repeatedly: "I need your location." Andres Vasquez, repeatedly: "I’m under the [expletive deleted by newspaper] truck"]

REMINDER: NOTW Daily is posted Mon through Sat by noon, NY time—except this month, when it’s Mon-Wed-Fri only, and Friday by 4 p.m.

Civilization in Decline
Doctors Against Organ Harvesting says China is a changed country, that it no longer harvests executed prisoners’ organs for its transplant industry, and now takes ‘em from live prisoners . . . . . A disgustingly putrid "lake" in El Salvador (3,800 metric tons of excrement/yr, plus runoff from 116 factories) is booming with 150,000 seabirds from 130 species, from as far away as Canada; m-m-m-mmm! cruuuud! . . . . . It took 2½ yrs, but the Pennsylvania Supreme Court has finally upheld Phillip Pongracz’s right to call Joni Tedesco an [askhole*] . . . . . The security director at Michigan’s Palisades nuclear power plant told Esquire magazine that he used to be a U.S. gov’t assassin; an investigation is underway . . . . . The Massachusetts legislature is considering adding height and weight to those things businesses can’t discriminate on the basis of. [*--Yr Editor is not afraid to write certain words, but since many readers get News of the Weird Daily by e-mail, in the office, I am respectful of filters.]

The Human Condition Today
In Ikeda, Japan, the relentless, feuding neighbor: 169 urine attacks on the house that’s blocking his view . . . . . A 24-yr-old F State roofer continued to do repairs on a home in foreboding weather, and lightning got him—Mr. Darwin Olivera. . . . . . A Quebec elementary school principal, sensing a teaching moment after catching four 9-yr-old bullies calling their prey a [one of George Carlin’s 7 words]: You guys write me a short essay on what fellatio means to you . . . . . A political scientist, writing on, discovered that the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq in 2003 wrote sensitive documents in Microsoft Word, but then physically cut-and-pasted the final product, leaving undeleted an awful lot of good stuff (i.e., bad stuff) on the original files, which are now online . . . . . Not only does Eva Marie Mauldin give her husband Joshua a forgiving pass after he burned their infant daughter in their microwave but she’s got the reason figured out: Satan didn’t want Joshua (a "wonderful father") to become a preacher . . . . . A technician at Dallas Regional Medical Center, on his first day back from vacation, OD’d on laughing gas.

Your Daily Loser
San Antonio elementary school principal Elizabeth Rojas was finally removed after she failed the mandatory certification test, for the, er, 38th time. 37, no problem, apparently. Hey, wait! She’s not much of a loser; they demoted her to another position at the school at "slightly less than" her $77K salary, said WOAI-TV.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Former multi-term South Dakota state legislator Ted Klaudt turned himself in on charges that included eight counts of rape of foster children and former legislative pages. He told the girls he was helping with human egg-donation and needed to check their breasts and ovaries . . . . . There’s a photo of Klaudt, who obviously isn’t supermodel-datable material, but here’s a better mugshot, of the latest older woman trolling for young stuff.

He overcame a sore throat, er, "sword throat," to become the first swallower to take a down a steel sword underwater, in a tank with 80 sharks and stingrays dashing about . . . . . Clichés Come to Life: Zhang Haijing, 18, fell off of a 6-story building in Shanghai but was saved by her umbrella as she sort-of floated down . . . . . In a deposition, World Bank prez Wolfowitz’s gal, Shaha Riza, explains why people probably resent Wolfie's and her appearance of quasi-nepotism more than they resent actual nepotism: "[B]ecause [other nepotists are married to each other], they’re seeing that their relationships are asexual [but] because [Wolfie and I are merely] dating, there must be sex there."

Professor Music’s Weird Links
will return on Wednesday

Newsrangers: Rob Snyder, Scott Langill, John Cieciel, Mark Neunder, Geoff Egan, Paul Schlotterbeck.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.