Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Wednesday’s 5-Star Special
The Austrian rock band Handydandy works entirely with styrofoam thingies resembling guitars but which really house cell phones hooked up to computers, which they tap, then go through the "facial and bodily contortions of an Eric Clapton or Carlos Santana" on stage, reports the Wall Street Journal [pay-per-view]

REMINDER: NOTW Daily is posted Mon through Sat by noon, NY time—except this month, when it’s Mon-Wed-Fri only, and Friday by 4 p.m.

Civilization in Decline
News That Sounds Like a Joke: Black-hooded terrorists sent a chilling video to French TV, threatening "action" if the gov’t doesn’t fix the, er, falling prices of domestic wine (No, no, they’re already on record, shooting at foreign wine trucks) . . . . . The UK’s Prison Service has hired "dozens" of personal trainers to slim down all the thugs who have just tragically let themselves go . . . . . Headline: "[Britain’s Nat’l Health Service] Dentists Turn Away Patients with Bad Teeth" (but actually that’s probably due to NHS’s self-defeating pay scale that assumes no one in Britain has really, really bad teeth) . . . . . The latest U.S. figures on how much we really owe ourselves (as opposed to the low, feel-good numbers politicians try to distract us with): not $112K per household for our ordinary "debt," but $516K per household when you count Medicare and gov’t retirement payouts (and that’s $516K if we paid it all off today, but more when we borrow to pay it off).

The Human Condition Today
Israeli security officers captured longtime Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade terrorist Khaled Shawish, and a couple of Israeli bloggers are reporting that when they nailed him, he was in the process of nailing a Palestinian woman (not his wife) in a car a few hundred feet from Yassir Arafat’s gravesite . . . . . Nevada district judge Elizabeth Halverson is such an angry, out-of-control piece of work that her fellow Las Vegas judges are piece-by-piece removing cases from her jurisdiction (Bonus: At 425 lbs., she could use some hard time in a British prison) . . . . . Questionable Business Plan: A gang of nine vicious, crowbar-swinging bone-breakers are jailed in Shanghai, even though the bones they broke were apparently just their own, to draw compensation for construction-site "accidents" . . . . . It happens: If you don’t pay your fire department dues, they actually send a crew to watch your home burn to the ground . . . . . South Carolina families need to pack up and move out now!: Well, that wasn’t the explicit message of state att’y gen’l Henry McMaster, but what are ya gonna do when McMaster says, "[I] promise you out there right now, it is raining perverts. They’re all over the place. They’re trying to get into your children" . . . . . And, finally, after all these years, "You’re going to see some hard evidence. That’s a promise. That’s not just promotional talk" (said the organizer of the Sept. 7 West Virginia UFO extravaganza).

Your Daily Loser
Dude in Milwaukee struck out asking the U-Haul store employee for a date, but that was mostly because he and his pal were in the process of robbing her at the time.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Police in Guelph, Ont., report three sightings of a man who approaches women and asks if they would please kick him in the onions. [Associated Press reported "groin," but that is technically just the juncture of the thigh and the abdomen. Hey, Yr Editor is here to help.]

More Sounds-Like-A-Joke: The winner of a Colorado regional spelling bee (now on her way to the nationals) is 14-yr-old, er, M-a-i-t-h-r-e-y-i G-o-p-a-l-a-k-r-i-s-h-n-a-n . . . . . Inexplicable: Police in Key West broke up a fight between two women, battling over their Waffle House check, which was, er, $34.

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
Veteran investigative researcher David Burnham and pals totaled the number of people the federal gov’t tried to kick out of the country from 2004-2006 (814,073) and the number of those people who were cited for "terrorism-related" reasons (12) . . . . . An Associated Press reporter finds an apparently super-successful, pride-evoking California prison program, except that it’s the one that has greatly reduced the number of inmates committing suicide.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
The "Loving Wife-Spanking in a Christian Marriage" site sells mostly books on theory and technique, y’know, how a little light B&D can put the happy couple closer to God, but you can also order some neat "crotchless pantaloons." [LINK corrected] [link from]

Newsrangers: David Weiss, Steve Dunn, Mark Neunder, Nick White, Jeff Baxendale, Ginger Katz
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.