Friday, June 15, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
[Some days, folks, the people creating the news just don’t try hard enough.]

Civilization in Decline
Missouri may be on the verge of scrapping the school district in St. Louis (underperformance) and taking the thing over, itself, but the St. Louis School Board is fighting back, with grace and maturity, such as that of Board member Donna Jones, who showed up at the last meeting with "No State Takeover" painted onto her forehead . . . . . Ontario Court Encourages Straight Man to Turn Gay (Well, not really, but a judge did officially order the man not to have a "romantic," "intimate" relationship with a "female" for the next 3 yrs, as part of his domestic-violence punishment) . . . . . Either the UK Army doesn’t feed its troops very well, or its dogs and prisoners eat too well (approximate equivalencies, per week: troops $21, dogs $36, prisoners, $26).

The Human Condition Today
Western Indian farmer Shiv Charan Yadav, 73, has just failed his high school gateway exams (normally given at age 15) for the 38th time, and what’s worse, he vowed the first time not to marry until he passes . . . . . Research projects that you wonder how ever got started: Hajime Kimata, writing in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, found that if a mother laughs (maybe at least 15 minutes) in the period before breastfeeding her eczema-suffering kid, the kid’s symptoms are milder.

Your Daily Loser
Politically-correct police in Anaheim, Calif., won’t even risk offending a bank robber these days. That is, the guy who has robbed three area banks so far has apparently been described as smelling like "dirt" (y’know, like the ground). Nevertheless, Anaheim police say everyone should be on the lookout for the "Landscape Bandit."

Doctors in the Netherlands said the woman’s severe intestinal problems were due to a worm that she picked up before she migrated from Suriname 27 yrs ago and put her on drugs to expel it (but after 27 yrs, doesn’t the worm get squatters’ rights, ba-da-ba-ding!).

Close Enough for Gov’t Work
USA Today’s scoreboard on FEMA’s attempts so far to recover its wrongly-given Katrina money: $15M recovered, $470M to go (Well, the latter is FEMA’s self-supplied figure; GAO said it might actually be $985M to go) . . . . . ABC News found the official number of people on the FBI’s terror "watch list": 509,000 and growing "uncontrollably," and can’t figure out how this makes us safer.

Lord Richards of Britain’s Court of Appeal (the highest), who was accused of flashing his 56-yr-old junk at a woman on a train on two occasions [NOTW Daily, 1-24-2007], and who was picked out of crowds twice by the woman, beat the rap. The court said maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, but the evidence wasn't all clear (especially after Lord Richards submitted his trademark black Calvin Klein briefs to countermand her testimony about the flasher's undies).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
will return tomorrow, or maybe Monday.

NOTW, The Blog
Indianapolis 6th-grader Matt Porter is apparently a cut-up in class and was therefore named by two teachers, in a prank, as "Most Likely Not to Have Children." Yr Editor doesn't know about Matt, but his mother and step-dad, anyway, surely can’t take a joke, and have gone to the media about how little Matt’s life is now ruined and that therapy is required. The cherry on this sundae is stepdad Joseph Sims’s ridiculous bathos, with that overused whiner, "Words cut deeper than any knife could." How’d ya like to have a parent like that, who’ll in principle eagerly submit your little body to be cut to shreds, killed or hideously deformed for life . . rather than permit you to be the butt of a (possibly appropriate) joke? Dad’ll be applauded, though, for defending the kid and probably for his oh-so-profound metaphor, rather than charged with child abuse.

Newsrangers: Joe Littrell, Gil Nelson, Ginger Katz
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.