Monday, June 04, 2007

Monday’s 5-Star Special
Yr Editor long ago reported on Los Angeles’s boutique vulvo-vaginal surgeon, Dr. David Matlock, whose hymenoplasty is now even creating waves in Muslim neighborhoods in France. (That is, if ya don’t know why Sunnis hate Shias, consider that some Shia clerics say the Quran permits women to re-virginate themselves for their husbands, by surgery.) Well, Dr. Matlock has actually had a side business for several years: Botox injections in the G-spot thingie, to make it bigger (up to the size of a quarter!), with some clients reporting C-4-quality explosions of delight. [CORRECTION: collagen, not Botox]
Civilization in Decline
With nearly 70 percent of its energy coming from renewable resources, the autonomous region of Navarre in Spain is an ecological delight—except for that pesky Gurelur environmental group, whining that all the windmills spoil the view and clobber the birds . . . . . The opposite of an ecological delight is the Torres-Martinez Indian reservation about 40 miles southeast of Palm Springs, Calif., whose leaders have sold their souls to anyone who needs to dump (especially arsenic, dioxin, and human caca, which in one spot is 40 ft high by a football field big), and "intertribe relationships" among the T-M’s make it "complicated" to fix things, said a UCLA professor . . . . . The chairman of the House committee processing "earmarks" (those pet projects that generally go undebated before being voted into law) said the Democratic leadership won’t debate them any more than Republican leadership used to, because his committee needs time to review the, er, 36,000 requests (which works out to an average of 82 Treasury raids per Member of Congress).

The Human Condition Today
Actor Perry Caravello sued Jimmy Kimmel and the Jackass guy, claiming they failed to pay him the agreed-on $10M for a movie stunt of enduring a mousetrap’s closing on his jewels [Ed. 10 seems cheap] . . . . . Miami police said a "known burglar" (name not released) was thumped to death when he accidentally tripped the "on" switch of the huge ventilator fan he was crawling through . . . . . Finally, America dispatches the Japanese Menace, er, Takeru Kobayashi (that shrimp of a man who can cram more hot dogs down his pie hole than anyone alive): Californian Joey Chestnut, a perennial runner-up, broke Kobayashi’s world record in Tempe, Ariz. (old: 53.75 in 12 minutes; new: 59.5) (which is 59.5 dogs and 59.5 buns).

Your Daily Loser
If you were driving an 18-wheeler through the Lincoln Tunnel, and it was 6 inches too high so that on first contact the roof of your trailer started ripping and peeling off and dragging on your speed, how long would it take you to realize something was wrong? Answer, by Gilberto Cantu (4-yr driver with a "spotless safety record"): maybe not until he got home. That is, he ignored many sound and flash warnings before the Tunnel, and inside the Tunnel, and seemed not to understand why he was stopped a mile and a half later when his nearly-topless load emerged in New York City.

Once again, an artist’s art was (mistakenly) tossed out of a gallery as trash; this time it was Paul Messenger’s tribute to societal apathy, consisting of nearly seven miles of "red tape" (Get it?) . . . . . Yr Editor gets all his economic news from the NY Post: (1) Someone pays $1,948 a month for a parking space in midtown Manhattan; (2) the cost per viewer the networks pay their evening-news anchors: Brian Williams 55¢, Charles Gibson 89¢, Katie Couric $2.51 (versus what CBS paid Bob Schieffer while he kept the seat warm for her, 48¢); (3) SUNY-Albany high-tech Prof. Alain Kaloyeros just got a raise on the taxpayers, from $525K to $666K (the governor makes $179K) . . . . . Austrian Andreas Strauss has outfitted three large drain pipes with beds, shelves, and electricity, in a park next to the Danube River, and is taking overnight reservations.

Longtime NOTW ink- and byte-grabber Damien ("I’ve stopped worrying about what art is," "If it’s in an art gallery on the wall or the floor, it’s probably art") Hirst’s latest piece is an 8,601-diamond-encrusted human skull (MSRP, $119M) at London’s British Museum.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Apparently, Sikhs are just as just as insecure as the rest of us.

Newsrangers: Vic McDonald, Michael Ravnitzky, Eli Christman, Jenny Beatty
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.