Friday, July 13, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
Fla. state Rep. Bob Allen was arrested in a men’s room sex hustle and immediately went into O.J.-Bronco-style guilty-and-desperate mode, but apparently overnight has come to the conclusion that he can beat the rap, and hence, the whole thing is now just a "misunderstanding," [LINK CORRECTED] and he’s not resigning, and of course, he "can’t talk about this" right now. [Ed.: 99 percent of the time, when an accused perp says "I can’t talk about it now," it means he did it, or at least he did something very close to it, but believes he has a fair chance at trial-tactically winning]

[Reminder: NOTW Daily is published six days a week, only not right now. Figure, Mon-Wed-Fri only, for a little while longer.]

Civilization in Decline
One of Oregon’s staunchest, strictest (for kids) anti-drug school districts has a different view of things for principals who smoke dope: It’s not so bad . . . . . Muslim women in Mombasa, Kenya, are ticked now that the city’s prostitutes have taken to wearing full-body dresses called buibuis (which the Muslims must wear) to make it easier for them to blend in on the street . . . . . In New York City, to own your own parking space will set you back as much as $225k (and probably with an additional $50/month "maintenance" fee) . . . . . Providence, R.I., police busted a super-efficiently-run street drug business (shifts, overtime pay, ledgers, records) (Bonus: All the principals were also drawing welfare).

The Human Condition Today
All hail Cincinnati judge Ted Berry! Perp Ivan Boykins, upon receiving a 30-day sentence for trespassing, responded, "F*ck you," whereupon Judge Berry retorted, "F*uck you!" . . . . . Police in Fort Worth, Tex., caught a couple of aggressive Christian teenagers, who belong to a Christian "fight club" and whose weapon of choice to express their anger at societal deterioration is apparently fire . . . . . Not Our Fault, say the parents of the 16-yr-old girl in North Carolina who married her 40-yr-old coach; it was the school’s fault, and we’re suing (even though the parents signed over permission for the marriage) . . . . . Busted: A Ugandan pastor was caught importing an electric-shock machine that would enable him to touch objects and impart a spark or two, which seems perfect for wowing the nonbelievers . . . . . A homeowner’s report of a stray "blue flame" every time his wife lit up a cigarette provoked the fire chief to say he’ll be right over and for heaven’s sake, don’t light any more matches! (But that instruction was so alarming that the wife had to have a cigarette to calm her nerves, and she died in the explosion) (Bonus: It was actually an all-electric house) . . . . . Two black shoppers at Toys-R-Us in New York City were asked to show their receipts upon leaving the store, and since they didn’t notice any white people at the time being asked, well, that’ll be $200M each, please.

NOTW Lite
Basra, Iraq, has enough problems, what with warring factions battling for the city ever since British troops stood down, but now it has another because badgers are running loose (which seems much worse than the recent infestation of porcupines at the nuclear research facility in Dimona, Israel) . . . . . Now there’s a reversible birth control implant for male dogs, for those owners who just can’t decide whether they want pups or not (and also, said one vet, because some owners "have an emotional attachment to their dog’s testicles. They think it’s their dog’s God-given right to have his hairy jewel bag with all the goodies in it").

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
An undercover GAO investigation of how hard it is to get a Nuclear Regulatory Commission license to handle radioactive materials found that, sometimes, not so hard (a "pre-9-11 mentality," according to U.S. Sen. Norm Coleman, who said the agency appears to be geared up to stop Chernobyls and not, for example, dirty bombs in big cities) (Bonus: One licensee was just a post office box in West Virginia) . . . . . The Associated Press found "dozens" of military documents freely available on the Internet that gov’t agencies have refused to hand over to the public because they were too sensitive and potentially injurious to troop movement and nat’l security.

Updates
Wednesday’s Daily Loser now, it turns out, might have gotten his manhood slashed some other way than was reported, and the restaurant has designated him for assignment (i.e., firing) . . . . . Zimbabwe (inflation "officially" at about 4,500 percent, and independently at about 9,000 percent) continued its path of determining the worst possible response to the crisis and then doing that, and so imposed price cuts, meaning pretty soon there’ll be nothing left to buy (and let the "unrest" begin!).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Soon, real soon.

Newsrangers: Karl Olson, Ed McCarthy, Michael Lewyn, Ken Vermette, Bruce Townley, James Reed, Paul Di Filippo
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.