Friday, July 27, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
Yet another new fetish, but you’re not going to like it: Jeff Doland of Ohio was arrested when his flight landed in Miami, Fla., where he had allegedly arranged with a "mother" (in an Internet sting) to get himself off while watching her dunk her daughters underwater. He "liked watching the bubbles," he said.

Civilization in Decline
A survey of Britain’s girl-scoutlike Guides reveals they’d like training (badges?) in having safe sex, reducing their carbon footprints, and assembling flat-pack furniture . . . . . Brian Rodriguez served an Iraq tour and was honorably discharged early on in the war, but now comes the Army, sending him a bill for $700, presumably for things he damaged, but with no explanation of what or when (or how to question it or challenge it) [Ed.: But before we condemn the policy, let's see if the Army bills Rumsfeld for the damage he caused] . . . . . Another shining episode for Americans: As riptides off Ocean City, Md., took down a man, fatally, who was trying to save his two teenagers, crew members from a parasailing service boat helped, but the tourists on the boat merely grabbed their cameras to make sure they had exciting vacation shots for back home.

The Human Condition Today
The certified-delusional Zoran Kostic left an estate worth the equivalent of $20m to Britain’s Conservative Party, which the heirs want for themselves, but the Tories have testimony from a shrink saying that, insane or not, based on Kostic’s fear of "satanic monsters" in the world, giving to the Tories was perfectly logical (and by "insane," we mean his view that there's "an international conspiracy of more than 100 people masterminded by sexually perverted pharmaceutical company executives to destroy freedom, democracy, and human purity") . . . . . It’s a secure home, which is why they call it a gated community, but a 24-yr-old resident is no longer with us, having gotten her head caught between her car door and a pillar at the gate (AWI) . . . . . Here’s another Californian, which makes at least 3 in 5 yrs, who were so intent about driving to work, parking, and getting to their desks, that they completely forgot about the little urchin in the back seat that they were supposed to drop off at daycare (i.e., that’s 3 deaths in 5 yrs) . . . . . In the lockup in Port Washington, Wis., pervert James Lala asked inmate Corey Wilson what he thought of Woody Allen’s marrying his girlfriend’s daughter ("Perverted," said Wilson), which apparently hit Lala too close to home, and, uh, a brawl ensued.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Lance Rushton, 37, got off with a 45-day jail sentence for the crime of photo-editing porn shots by putting on them faces of his own family members and fellow Mormon church members.

Exxon/Mobil served its 17-yr customer, Frank Van Buren, as scheduled, with two cards to replace the ones about to expire—but then, following that, two more boxes of the same card, 1,000 cards in each box . . . . . The interesting thing is not that Fort Lauderdale, Fla., inmate Terry Alexander was convicted of ostentatious wanking behind bars (his third alleged incident) but that, when you have a trial on a charge like that, lawyers simply must ask prospective jurors about their own habits . . . . . Nothing like a ceremonial virgin to bring good luck to a big celebration somewhere in the Third World, but this was in, er, no cheap shots now, New Jersey: The Quik Chek New Jersey Festival of Ballooning even went so far as to cancel its inclement-weather insurance, so hopeful it was that the virgin (Victoria Brumfield, 28) would drive away the clouds.

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
Two managers at the Small Business Administration are about to be honored for their work in clearing up that nearly-12,000-loan backlog stemming from Hurricane Katrin—oh, wait a minute, no, they’re under investigation, because apparently the only thing they did to eliminate the backlog was just to cancel all the loans outright.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Here’s an evergreen to tide you over ‘til Yr Editor can get back to these things next week: the maniacal "Joe Caster"’s site for photographing delectable young women wearing casts. Totally safe for work (but questions will be raised).

Newsrangers: Karl Olson, Joe Littrell, MaDonna Barnes, Laura O’Neal.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.