Thursday’s 5-Star Special
So, you meet this chick who is, she says, . . . a powerball winner, relative of a Motley Crue guitarist, Playboy model, multilingual interpreter in Washington, crisis negotiator for the LAPD, fiancée of Brian Wilson’s son, and the love child of John Lennon and Janis Joplin, and what to do? You marry her, of course, and give her rights to all your property and stuff.
[REMINDER: Yr Editor is not posting "daily" this week. See NOTW, The Blog (below)]
Civilization in Decline
Two Questions: (1) How, exactly, do you fire a "goddess," anyway? They’ve just fired the latest one in Nepal . . . . . (2) And why has this never happened before: Two men robbed a bank in Sarajevo merely wrapped in burqas . . . . . Apparently, the Mafia wiretaps of yesteryear yielded different code words than the terrorist wiretaps today, e.g., you never heard Sammy Bull talking about an "eggplant" or "go[ing] to the picnic" or "get[ting] married" (meaning to suicide-bomb), but that was Jose Padilla's world, they say . . . . . Another Question: If Congress required in 2002 that all meat and produce be labeled with the country of origin, so that we can decide whether we want to eat that Chinese-grown stuff, why hasn’t it happened yet (except for shrimp)? A: The big boys always win; the arrangements have been made . . . . . Afghanistan is of course the world leader in heroin poppy-growing, but the gov’t just announced an anti-smoking campaign, because, y’know, tobacco kills . . . . . On the other hand, the Islamic Republic of Mauritania, where as recently as 2001, a fifth of all girls were still being deliberately overfed for beauty (it’s a tribal thing), the gov’t is sponsoring slim-downs . . . . . And, Grrrrr-owl, you sexy beast! (er, the Sexy Beast line of dog fragrances, by Renee Ryan).
The Human Condition Today
Ms. Kimber Johnson complained to the Scottsdale Tribune that her brand-new, expensive home in the country stinks because of that, that, that ol’ farm over there (that’s been there for years) and that they ought to do something about that manure . . . . . A man forced his ex-girlfriend’s 4-yr-old son to chug water, for the purpose of delivering clean urine for his upcoming test, but he overdid it, and the kid was hospitalized for water intox . . . . . A bar-exam failure is suing the Massachusetts Bar because he was morally distracted on the question that involved a (legal in Mass.) homosexual married couple . . . . . The ol’ Urban Legend Come to Life in California, with the goal having been the elimination of that wasps’ nest, and the result being the burning down of a mobile home, an outbuilding, a truck, a boat, and a trailer . . . . . The Beat of His Own Drum: John Moore, 67, has played golf nearly every day for years, by hitting long irons on the same grassy right-of-way on Interstate 275 in downtown Tampa, and hopes soon to make his first appearance ever on an actual golf course.
Your Daily Loser
Kwok Wai-ming, 49, of Hong Kong, is blind in his left eye thanks to girlfriend Po Shiu-fong’s poking him 6 yrs ago, and now they just had a fight, and she stabbed him in the right eye with a chopstick, and now he’s all-blind. (He said he had forgiven her for the left eye [a "love sacrifice"] but that this time, it’s over.)
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Aaron Meinhardt, 37, was accused of flashing girls around a community pool, but apparently had been incredulous at his arrest: "Am I allowed to satisfy myself?" he asked the cop. "It has been a long time since I have. What am I supposed to do, just keep it in?"
Frequent Third World Tragedy Comes to America: A farmer, his wife, 2 daughters, and a farm helper die when the farmer was overcome by methane in a manure pit, as were the other four as they came in to rescue him . . . . . And this metaphor, from the orderly mind of Cindy Sheehan (announcing she’ll lead a walk-a-thon to protest the sentence commutation of Scooter Libby): Cindy was going to quit the movement, but the Libby thing was "the straw that broke my camel’s back of exhausted ennui."
The Antichrist, Jose de Jesus Miranda [NOTW M003, 4-29-2007], is not only getting kicked out of various countries for his anti-Catholic preaching, but he’s getting kicked out of his marital bed for his wandering rod and staff.
Professor Music’s Weird Links
will return on Saturday, probably
NOTW, The Blog
Yr Editor is grappling with an unexpected problem with NOTW Daily. Enthusiasm, high. Energy, high. Availability, high. Population of people committing weird news, high. But what’s low is my writing productivity. At least a day or two a week, (1) everything I write looks the same to me, and (2) it seems doubly difficult to decide which stories to use (of all those I have browsed that morning and the evening before). I think I need a break and should begin writing three days a week instead of six. (I wrote three days a week in May, but that was different because I was ver-r-r-ry busy with another project during my "free" days. What I need now are days that are free-free.) So this is what happens in this Era of the Blog that you never saw during MainStreamNews print media days: The "blogger" (who provides you free content) decides, without benefit of a publisher or editor, that he’ll modify his schedule . . . and . . . he’ll tell you about it in personal detail (and you’ll read it because, well, you’re logged on, and it’s here). So, for a while, it’ll be Mon-Wed-Fri until maybe I get all juiced up again. I’ll still be sitting here every day, though, browsing my browser and reading my mail. Let’s see what happens. (This week only, though: Saturday posting, not tomorrow.)
Newsrangers: Gerald Sacks, Joe Littrell, Emory Kimbrough, Mark Neunder, Garry Swaffar, Paul Music.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.