Friday, August 31, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
Brian Wilcox, in an F State lockup awaiting trial for allegedly making child porn using a relative, has diagnosed himself and would like medical attention, please, for the following: severe tooth decay, back pain, vision problems, no feeling in his feet, a bulge in his groin, a deformed mole, and severe flatulence "at all times." [Scroll down]

Civilization in Decline
Ultra-Orthodox rabbi Ovadia Yosef, who is nobody to be messed with (since Ariel Sharon went into his coma only a few months after Yosef smited him for withdrawing from Gaza), explained to Israelis that their only casualties in the recent Hezbollah war were soldiers insufficiently religious . . . . . Failure has been such a downer in China lately that the legislature is now proposing to make it OK by law for scientists to screw up, as long as they were trying hard . . . . . Apparently, there’s a Chicago female undercover cop so bored with her job as a "prostitute" that she slapped the cuffs on a motorist stopped on the street with his wife in the car and his adult daughter running back to the car after a brief stop (yet the cop, obedient to the script, swore that he had asked for sex) . . . . . The less-publicized side of gambling addiction: how governments are addicted to the tax revenue (and in Australia, now undergoing an outbreak of horse flu, they’re considering racing camels).

The Human Condition Today
A Catholic parish priest in Suffolk county, England, is on the global-warming beat almost as much as on the God beat, and will set up a "green confessional" at a gathering this weekend, for people ashamed of their poor recycling record [Ed. just in time, because the Vatican’s drawing some heat for its decision last week to start high-carbon-footprint charter flights for Catholic pilgrimages] . . . . . The F State has its own personal version of New Hampshire's Elaine Brown, D.D.S. [NOTW Daily, 7-20-2007, 6-20-2007]: a lady dentist who has located a sentence or two here and there in official documents that, taken literally, call the federal income tax into question (and of course has cheerfully ignored every other aspect of state and federal democratic will and law of the last 94 years) [Bonus: Her husband is the chief carper on this issue, but he got kicked out of court with an F in conduct, so the little snowflake is on her own, and she’s not quite as good at extemp speaking as she presumably is at drilling] . . . . . How can Arizona’s Tucson Citizen write an on-the-scene report of a Mrs. America contestant descending a staircase at a fancy resort, being frightened by a spider, and stepping directly into the path of a rattlesnake (which got ‘er), and not ask what the hell a rattlesnake was doing on the staircase of a fancy resort? . . . . . Border guards in India crack down, issuing photo ID cards, er, to cows (to prevent leakage of the sacred animals over the border to Bangladesh) . . . . . We take our sports seriously in the F State, so 1-to-10 in the slammer is James Gahan’s small price to pay for scoring steroids for his son, who at the time was a 13-yr-old competitive roller-skater . . . . . Britain’s University of Bedford’s great idea (seriously): a degree program in creative writing designed especially for the mentally ill, who presumably have rich stories to tell . . . . . Crimes You Don’t Often See: One guy would distract the convenience store clerk by doing a naked hula dance, a second would steal the beer and run, and both would jump in the getaway car driven by a third (but it failed when the clerk managed to tear her eyes away from the dancer) . . . . . A refrigerator quit at a hospital in Germany, er, while they were storing the top of a man’s skull there while brain surgery was going on, and now they’ve had to build him a plastic top (but he gets the equivalent of $4,100 compensation!) . . . . . A French manager working in China learned that, even in China, if you have a dispute with the accounting department, no gunfire! . . . . . And here's yet another thing about Japan: a support "fan club" for people who seriously appreciate digger wasps . . . . . Miami-Dade police arrested the twin-engine pilot who protested the use of his local executive airport for training flights by playing chicken with a jet.

Your Daily Loser
Edson Diaz, 28, was charged with sending threatening notes (as in threatening death) to Playboy’s Miss August 2001, whom he had never met but thought was a "white trash" tramp (which, considering all the hot women out there in the public eye, is somewhat of a compliment, but still . . .); however, the woman’s boyfriend is a defensive back for the Chicago Bears.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
The trouble with a guy naked and masturbating while driving the Indiana Toll Road is, well, Vaseline makes the steering wheel slippery.

Another rehab success story for methadone . . working on . . Big Brother, the Chinese elephant.

It turns out that Cheveon Ford, who stars in this week's NOTW [M020, 8-26-2007] as the guy who just calls 911 when he runs out of minutes on his phone, had a method to his madness: If a male dispatcher answered, Cheveon hung up; if a female answered, he tried to chat her up about her feet.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
will be along again next week

NOTW, The Blog
Leona Helmsley’s dog Trouble looks rich enough, but $12m hardly puts her into high society: From NOTW 852, 6-6-2004:

Pets Livin’ Large: London’s The Mirror released a list in March of the world’s 20 inheritance-wealthiest animals, topped by the dog "Gunther IV" (now worth over US$320 million, from the late German countess Karlotta Libenstein), followed by Kalu the chimpanzee (about US$95 million, from the late Australian Olympic swimmer Frank O’Neill) and the dog Toby Rimes (about US$80 million, from the late New Yorker Ella Wendel). The list consists of 10 cats (4 of them American), 5 dogs, a hen, a tortoise, a parrot, Kalu the chimp, and a herd of cattle supported by a British royal trust. (Most on the list are offspring of the original recipient, with trust funds even larger because of investments.) [The Mirror, 3-15-04]
Newsrangers: Steve Miller, Joe Littrell, Jerry Whittle, Dave Null, Bruce Townley, Elijah Christman, Mark Neunder, Tom Barker, Donna Lewis
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.