Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Wednesday’s 5-Star Special
You’ve all heard this one by now, but it’s still 5-star: A guy in St. Paul, Minn., thought his jewels were the cause of his constant pain, but no M.D.’s would remove ‘em for him so he Internet-contacted one of the eager underground "practitioners," who probably flew immediately to St. Paul because the opportunity to perform ball-removal is like Christmas for those guys. They escaped, he survived, police are still shaking their heads.

Civilization in Decline
A training program for Britain’s Environmental Agency encourages white people to apply but just not English white people (Bonus: A woman who was barred from applying is hot, which is a well-known exception to all anti-discrimination rules everywhere).

The Human Condition Today
A 55-yr-old South Dakota man, trying to prove that a "CSI" TV show plot twist is actually impossible (i.e., shooting yourself to death in the stomach with a shotgun), accidentally shot himself to death in the stomach with a shotgun . . . . . Opherro Jones ignores the First Rule of Pistol-Whipping: Make sure barrel is not pointed toward pistol-whipper . . . . . Chutzpah! Crystal Gordon, charged with bilking a near-catatonic senior of $100k, said he was thinking as clear as a bell when he authorized her to buy those six vehicles (though he is ‘chair-bound and licenseless), including the dune buggy . . . . . And that’s a little more chutzpah than by this New Zealand fellow, who was caught growing 10 lbs. of marijuana, which he swore was for himself, at 5 lbs. a year . . . . . . . . . . There are 50 or so sun-gazers in Atlanta, according to the Journal-Constitution, getting their life’s energy by staring directly at it for up to 45 minutes at a time, and ophthalmologists are stroking their chins . . . . . Recurring Theme: If there’s a nest of yellow jackets on your property, gasoline is not the answer . . . . . The Texas Redneck Games (spicier than the Georgia Redneck Games) has come and gone, including the Spam-and-jalapeno-eating contest, the mattress chuck, bobbing in tomato sauce for raw animal parts, and the co-ed buttcrack contest.

Your Daily Loser
We don’t know who he is, but he had the robbery of the Chase Bank in New Hudson, Mich., all worked out, except he forgot to bring a bag for the money. (Actually, he wisely decided to abort the whole thing and live another day, rather than, as so many do, stuff as much as he could into his clothes and try to make an inconspicuous getaway.)

An unanticipated benefit of the Islamization of America: At the Univ. of Michigan-Dearborn, the administration decided to install foot-washing stations in the restrooms so that Muslims won’t have to wash their feet five times a day in the sinks, but, hey, who among us, of whatever persuasion, couldn’t stand to stop, a couple times a day, and clean between his toes? . . . . . A 7-yr-old girl in Reidsville, N.C., either is the most intrepid little knucklehead you’ve ever seen or has great flair for her own public relations, because according to her, she got right in that robber’s face: "Back away, back away, man."

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
Army Corps of Engineers, which mistakenly used military-ordnance-site fill dirt for the beach-renourishment project for Surf City, N.J., confessed that it was their bad and that the Corps will be glad to share the costs with the city to fix it ("That’s protocol," said a Corps spokesman. "All our projects are cost-shared.").

And China better clean up this, too, before the Olympics: No more snack stands inside public restrooms . . . . . Tony Rosato, a Saturday Night Live comic (1982) charged with stalking his ex-wife after complaining to police several times that she had been taken over by a pod, finally went on trial this week [NOTW Daily, 5-16-2007].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Nope. It’s been a tough week so far.

NOTW, The Blog
Yr Editor is experiencing some severe housing-repair issues this week, which requires extensive use of Xanax, which in turn affects alertness and give-a-damnness. Consequently, my daily schedule is off-kilter, and tomorrow may be no better. Now you know.

Newsrangers: Chris Lee, Steve Dunn, Julia Grauf, Robin Barfoot, Sam Gaines.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.