Friday, September 21, 2007

Friday’s 5-Star Special
Update: The F State governor and cabinet took about a half-a-minute, figuratively, to send 25-yr-to-life (mandatory-minimum-sentenced) Richard Paey home yesterday. He’s the paralyzed accident victim with off-the-charts back pain found with 700 prescription Percocets but under F State law, that’s automatic trafficking [NOTW 956, 6-4-2006]. (Bonus: The facts were comparable to those in the Rush Limbaugh case, but because Limbaugh admitted to a drug problem, he was allowed to plead to a lesser crime [and, before some dittoheads write me that Rush pleaded to a small amount, let me remind them that uncontradicted evidence on the record showed that Rush possessed hundreds of Oxycodones]. Paey refused to plead to a rehabbable drug problem because he doesn’t have one; he has a permanent medical problem and in fact has been prescribed morphine in prison at an equivalent potency per day of 300 Percocets.) But, before anyone believes that the F State has actually turned progressive: Just before the governor went beyond clemency and gave Paey a full pardon, the Good Ol’ Boys on the state parole board once again turned him down.

[NOTE: Yr Editor will be off work tomorrow. Back Monday.]

Civilization in Decline
And the F State may be near the top in number of unsuccessful bank robberies, but apparently the successful bank robbery capital of the world is, er, Baghdad (an average haul of US$1m/month, with getaways easy as pie if you’re of the correct religion to make it past city checkpoints) . . . . . In several Nigerian states (with multi-wife Muslim governors), who, exactly is "First Lady" is problematic, with the situation not as bad as under former President Olusegun Obasanjo, when 800 wives vied for the titles . . . . . Dept. of Homeland Security has awarded a sole-source contract to test out Russian mind-reading technology whose last appearance in America was during the 1993 Waco crisis when the Russians recommended sound-blasting David Koresh out with complex pig squeals (although they warned that if they didn’t get the sound just right, it could cause everyone in the Waco compound to start slitting each other’s throats).

The Human Condition Today
Total failure of prison rehab: Kenneth Cunningham, 39, having served out 7 yrs for bank robbery, stuck up another one a coupla hours after he got out (Bonus: total take, $6,000, which'd get him laughed out of town in Baghdad) . . . . . A New Hampshire judge said a mummified baby that a family had been passing down for generations as an exhibitable heirloom had to be buried unless the family could prove (by DNA) that it was actually their own family’s heirloom. [Bonus: Yr Editor doesn’t see this as a great item, but he never turns down stories where the prosecutor’s name is Richard Head.]

Your Daily Loser
Least Competent Boater: Louis Pasquale, 35, discovered by the Coast Guard off of Long Island (N.Y.), towing his 35-ft fishing boat back to dock 20 miles away and against the current, using a 9-ft inflatable raft (Zodiac) he was paddling. He had covered about 100 yards in 3 hours.

NOTW Lite
Recurring, and almost No Longer Weird: A man fell into a septic pit and was overcome by fumes (this time, in rural Egypt), and six subsequent rescuers, one by one, also died as they went into save him.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Actually, Yr Editor has departed early for his day off.

Newsrangers: Joe Littrell, Brian Doherty, Bruce Townley, Scott Langill
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.