Monday, September 24, 2007

Monday’s 5-Star Special
Dylan Jayne filed a federal lawsuit against Google for endangering his personal safety, and "crimes against humanity," in that his own Social Security number, if looked at properly (basically, upside down, while you’re extremely drunk), is a variation of the word "google," and therefore Jayne wants, er, $5b. [Note: Why, of course the filing was handwritten!] [Note: Blogger Eric Goldman uncovered the case, but here's a news story from the tech website]

Civilization in Decline
Nine mostly well-off high school kids in Hanover, N.H., needing an extra push under parental pressure for Ivy League admission, did a breaking-and-entering test theft, and school officials, rather than punish them with suspensions, had them charged with felonies (misdemeanors, if they plead guilty), and now the parents are harassing prosecutors because it’s so-o-o unfair to the little buttercups’ chances for Ivy if they have rap sheets!

The Human Condition Today
Attention-mongering designer Marc Jacobs’s new high heels have the heels in the, er, front of the shoe . . . . . In Boston, they’re still trying to figure out gadgeteer and engineering student Star Simpson, 19, an apparently quick-synapses-firing MIT kid who nonetheless marches to her own drummer, and the drummer was telling her last week to go to Logan Airport with a battery-powered, lighted circuit board sewn into her shirt (and carrying a handful of Play-Doh) in what she called an art project, and for which she nearly got her head blown off by state police . . . . . A Catholic priest in Las Vegas pleaded guilty to smashing a lady friend over the head with a wine bottle and then stomping and choking her (but he stopped immediately, when she broke out in prayer!) . . . . . Accused rapist "Dickie" Lee, 38, ran away on the last day of his trial in Dedham, Mass., but there is this helpful clue to be on the lookout for: He is known as the Bad Breath Rapist . . . . . A surgical breakthrough Down Under, where doctors made a hole in the patient’s head, but he kept right on talking to nurses as if nothing were the matter [Ed.: But, come on, a breakthrough? We've all known Aussies like that].

"We can’t just change [our] boat’s name," as the regetta officials wanted world yachting champion Steve Morrison to do with the long-time name of his boat, Jackie Big Tits . . . . . "Not having the O’s makes it more creative" was the helpful explanation by a Miami official for choosing, among several entries as the city’s new promotion campaign, DWNTWN MIAMI . . . . . Somewhat inconsequential actions were participated in late last week by local officials in San Francisco and Alaska, er, SF City Supervisor Ed Jew and Kenai Assemblyman Gary Superman . . . . . The F State’s agency that handles child-abuse cases sent an investigator to check out whether, when these kids exchanged "Yo Momma" jokes, that meant that one had actually had sex with another’s momma.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
It’s a shame that, though Professor Music provides the links, Yr Editor is too disorganized to review them promptly. Therefore, Yr Editor has decided to take remedial action so that he doesn’t have to think of new excuses several times a week. Starting tomorrow, Yr Editor will use the very same excuse each time.

Newsrangers: Steve Passen, Paul Di Filippo, Mark Neunder, Gil Nelson, Paul Blumstein.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.