Monday, September 03, 2007

Monday’s 5-Star Special
Work with me, here: Angel Cruz fears the decrepitness of the U.S. economy (specifically, that the dollar is illegal because it isn’t backed by gold or silver) and so has taken to issue "real" U.S. dollars backed by his United Cities Corp., Kissimmee, Fla., and is signing up customers (mostly poor Hispanics) by promising them the good life, in that they can just use United Cities checks to pay for anything they need. The main problems here, according to this Orlando Sentinel story, are (1) Cruz appears to be righteously, arrogantly sincere, and (2) at least some of the members are so anxious about the actual U.S. economy that they righteously defend him.

Civilization in Decline
Connecticut businessman Arnold Chase has decided that he will be significantly less happy if he doesn’t have a 50,900-square-foot home (bigger than Bill Gates’s) with a game room 2x the size of the average U.S. home . . . . . The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that, even when you factor in clerical, etc., jobs, the average yearly wage in the investment banking industry is about 10 times higher than the average of all private sector jobs ($435k/yr vs. $43.7k/yr) . . . . . The Israeli porn site Ratuv reported that up to 10 percent of its traffic comes from repressed Syria, Saudi Arabia, and Iran (but apparently what those browsers really want to see are fake soft-core shots of Israeli lady "soldiers") . . . . . The lower house of the Czech Republic will apparently try once again to pass a bill outlawing possession of child porn after the last one was beaten; the CR, and Slovenia, are the only EU countries not with the program . . . . . In Great Britain last yr, kids 9-and-under committed 2,840 crimes and got off scot-free because the minimum prosecution age is 10 (Brazil: 18, the U.S.: 6) . . . . . Get Over It: It appears to be settled policy in lots of insurance-intensive countries that if you get hurt or stricken in a hospital parking lot, you gotta call an ambulance because the ER people aren’t budging, even if you’re 30 feet from the door.

The Human Condition Today
Fine police work: A teenage girl reported a prowler outside her window holding a video camera, and police responded, picking up a guy named Jeffrey Ogle [Bonus: It’s not just his name; they found lots of other evidence] . . . . . Headlines that Sound Like Jokes: "Pencils Made in China Recalled Due to Lead Levels" [CTV-Canadian Press]; "Now Police Are Told They Can Use Taser Guns on Children" [Daily Mail (London)] . . . . . More Legal Theories You Didn’t Know About: Laura West challenged her traffic ticket in court in Lawrence, Kan., pointing out how she and her partner (a man by the name of "J.M. Sovereign: Godsent" don’t have to obey no traffic laws because she was not "operating a vehicle" but rather exercising her right to travel on a religious mission . . . . . People Make the Worst Witnesses About Themselves: Mr. Bunky Bartlett won the $330m Mega Millions lottery and attributed it to his faith in Wicca (Bonus: photo of his young-Jabba self).

Your Daily Loser
Both the seller and the buyer of the "marijuana" were arrested for their respective crimes, but purchaser Matthew Dietrich, 21, gets the nod today, because what he paid $500 for was apparently-obvious broccoli (and of course he actually complained to the cops that he was ripped off while buying drugs)

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
One of his pals said Christopher Scott is a fantastic neighbor and a great guy, and thus was shocked to learn that Christopher had been arrested again for his periodic habit of lying down naked in the grass in the middle of the night and fondling himself (and apparently video-ing it).

An Australian environmentalist warned that the population of Elseya Irwini turtles is rapidly declining, which is notable because that is the species discovered by Steve Irwin in 1990 and which was found to breathe by taking water up the butt, which is where their oxygenators are located . . . . . After Yr Editor’s Heart: Alexander Kuzmin, mayor of Megion in western Siberia, issued a list of 27 excuses that his bureaucrats will no longer be allowed to use to explain poor performance (e.g., "Somebody else has the documents," "There’s no money") . . . . . Unclear on the Concept: "Always happy, smiles a lot, you know, I think that’s what took everyone by surprise. There were no signs at all." (That was a friend of teacher’s aide Krista Crosby, expressing shock that Krista was into drugs).

A St. Petersburg Times feature yesterday on the F State panhandle hamlet of Vernon reminded readers of the town’s sordid late-1950s/early-1960s claim to fame: It’s where almost 50 of its residents deliberately maimed themselves for insurance money (hence, Vernon was "Nub City") (and yet it’s still about the money, as a long-long-time town councilwoman, whose late husband had a hook for a hand, for the obvious reason, apparently sold out the town so she could reap a 15-fold increase in the value of her own house, even though it’s Vernon, and the 15-fold increase amounts to an offering price of only $365k).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
will surely surface again, real soon

Newsrangers: Jenifer German, Kathryn Wood, Karl Olson, John Cieciel, Jen Decker, Carla Hansen
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.