Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Wednesday’s 5-Star Special
A BBC search turned up Britain’s five most unusual epitaphs, with the winner being an 18th-century job in Loughborough, for a 28-yr-old woman who succumbed to dropsy (fluid build-up) and consisting almost exclusively of step-by-step notations of her fluid drainings, in gallons, quarts, and pints, e.g., "1st 8 . . . 10 [gallons] 13 [quarts] . . . 19 10 3 [pints]" etc., on and on, for a six-year period, finishing with "Oh Reader reflect when viewing of this stone What sore afflictions in my life I’ve bourne . . .."

Civilization in Decline
The eventual solution to the impending water shortage in the West: curtail development! (Just kidding: The eventual solution, which San Jose, Calif., and other locales are beginning to explore, is purifying the toilet water.)

The Human Condition Today
Police in Brisbane, Australia, arrested a 23-yr-old man who just flat-out ripped the panties off a woman on the street in broad daylight and then fled . . . . . Well, here’s another one, sort of, which actually almost couldn’t be a pettier crime: an armed robbery of a guy on the street in Mesa, Ariz., in which the perp stripped a guy of his Burger King uniform [LINK CORRECTED] . . . . . Caretaker Miles, a UK school custodian who apparently doesn’t repress like other UK school custodians, was arrested for having a "bomb factory" in his bedroom (but he seemed to be saying that the injuries that occurred from his letter bombs were due to the recipients’ failures in handling them properly) . . . . . Anthony Azzapardi, 80, finally gave up on his story that it was the 5-yr-old girl who pushed him down on the bed, sexually assaulted him, and warned him not to tell . . . . . The Continuing Irrelevance of Newspapers: JuJu Brown was arrested in Belleville, Ill., trying to deliver a half-pound of dope to a place that was all over the papers that morning as having been busted as a dope market . . . . . The North Carolina buyer of a used meat-smoker found a human leg inside, but the seller said it was merely her son’s amputated leg and that he wanted it back (Bonus: The mom’s name is [seriously] "Peg").

Your Daily Loser
Scott Clark, 26, got drunk last weekend and wrung the neck of an actual-duck mascot at the Embassy Suites in St. Paul, Minn., but then he thought the thing to do when the cops came for him was to blusteringly threaten them with job-loss because . . because he is a high official in the federal government! (Er, he’s an auditor [accountant?] at HHS).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Add Oscar Carpio, 32, Litchfield, Conn., to the list of grooms who weren’t able to make it past their wedding receptions without schtupping a bridesmaid.

The Seattle City Council voted to allow pygmy goats to be kept as pets, which is a victory for the local, 100-member Goat Justice League (Seriously) . . . . . A Malaysian man was lying in bed with the first of his two wives, waxing rhapsodic about the sexual prowess of his newly-acquired wife number two, which naturally caused number one to Bobbittize him, but if you use this Tuesday Yahoo! link to the Reuters story (instead of the Monday Yahoo! link), you can check out a, well, supposedly unrelated Yahoo news photo to the left).

Our serial, delusional (but highly creative) South Carolina inmate-litigant, Jonathan Lee Riches [NOTW Daily, 9-20-2007, 8-15-2007], has now charged that he’s been somehow injured by the fact that Steve Jobs has been paying O.J. Simpson as a hitman since 1985, and that O.J. has in return scratched Jobs’s back by giving him food blenders and money, to clone Dolly the sheep. Here’s Mr. Riches’s latest lawsuit (handwritten, of course!) and his Wikipedia entry, up to date for your reading pleasure.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Introducing the brand-new, all-purpose, audience-tested note informing readers that Yr Editor’s good intentions have once again outrun his short-term abilities: "Not today. Maybe tomorrow."

Newsrangers: Paul Di Filippo, Matt Mirapaul, Stefan Palys, Eric Gibbs, Victor Kannell, Dean Ferro, Jerry Whittle, Bob Ball
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.