Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Wednesday’s 5-Star Special
The Ministry of Silly Walks comes alive, at the Wagah Crossing on the India-Pakistan border, every evening, at closing time, when guards of these two bitter rivals prance through an inexplicable ritual of practiced hostility in special, garish outfits, "glower[ing] fiercely through their mustaches," according to a Los Angeles Times dispatch. Pakistanis wear black, with headgear of black fantails, and Indians wear khaki, with hats of scarlet fantails, and the exhibition sometimes attracts thousands.

Civilization in Decline
Some Arizona high school girls have learned the awful lesson [Yr Editor is writing here as a member of the peno-American community] of parthenogenesis, which is the ability of some females (here, a shark in a school’s fish tank) to produce a young 'un without benefit of a male [Ed.: Ship these girls to re-education camps, quickly, before they break into small groups and discuss this among themselves!] . . . . . Something called the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority in the UK has proposed that kids learn to test themselves, and grade themselves, instead of doing things the ol’ authoritarian way (because, as we all know, most kids are self-motivated and need no direction) . . . . . Oops! Jane’s Defence Weekly revealed a July bout of ineptitude in Syria, during which dozens of Iranian engineers and 15 Syrian officers died trying to load a chemical warhead onto a Scud missile.

The Human Condition Today
OK, Leroy Carr called the police when someone stole his cocaine, which is an NOTW laugh point, but actually, Yr Editor would have done the same thing; Leroy is a coke-runner, and he needed help getting the word out to his bosses that he didn’t take the stuff, himself . . . . . Two people who apparently know how sex is supposed to be done were blamed by driver Joshua Frank for making him crash his SUV because the insatiable sybarites were flailing all over the back seat . . . . . A California man, tired of his "nag[ging]" girlfriend, enlisted two buddies to help him kidnap her to Mexico, where he hoped she’d stay, but no such luck (Bonus: One of the buddies is called "No Nose," and, as you can see by his mugshot [Not Safe for Stomachs], whoever calls him No Nose nose of what he speaks) (Double Bonus: His middle name is Wayne) . . . . . And speaking of Not Safe for Stomachs, here are the mugshots of probably the entire prostitution industry of Fort Payne, Ala. . . . . . No, no, here’s the Not Safe for Stomachs story, but it’s irresistible, actually: Matt Wilkinson is OK now, but he lingered near death as the aftermath of putting the head of his obviously frightened pet baby Eastern diamondback rattlesnake in his mouth (with tame TV video, except for one photograph of what his face looked like at the worst point) (Bonus: "It is kind of my own stupid fault" [emphasis added]) . . . . . Everyone Has a Button or Two Waiting to Be Pushed, and for Stephen Dees, 56, of Troy, N.Y., it’s unfathomably, er, Barbara Bush (the mother) ("It is my clear, unequivocal, unabashed desire to place a plastic bag over her head, tape it to her neck, and slowly strangle her to death")

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Jamie Lacey was sentenced to a yr’s worth of community service for a burglary that was limited to some solo hijinks in the host’s bathroom, involving pornography and an improvised sexual device.

Apparently, the thing that keeps Yorkshire people talking in that clipped, downscale way is fluid on their brains (because this kid had the fluid removed and now speaks like the Queen herself) . . . . . Is it a "heavenly ice" forming high up on that tree in south Texas in September, as pilgrims seem to think (or do you go with the science angle, which is that it's a spittlebug nest)?

Sure enough, ex-Judge Florentino Floro [NOTW Daily, 9-17-2007] was re-energized by the Wall Street Journal piece Yr Editor directed y’all to; he sent it to his "favorite" contacts and has further greased up his mailing list.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Cavity—er, Caveat Emptor doesn’t quite capture the point here, with the non-naturally occurring meshing of "seeking romance" and "dental surgery." Prof. Music suggests only one of the potential problems: "Gosh, ya know, Svetlana, I’d really like to kiss you, but the doctor said I should wait until my gums stop bleeding."

NOTW, The Blog
A few Nebraska readers were helpful yesterday [NOTW Daily, 9-18-2007] in pointing out that Sen. Ernie Chambers is a lunatic. That’s good to know, but Yr Editor still can’t figure out how Sen. Chambers believes it’s a good idea to support position A by seemingly insulting people devoted to position A. Whatever kind of quixotic agenda he has in mind, this seems like the opposite of a good way to go about it . . . . . The latest humdinger is about the Chinese kids who travel to school every day by being hoisted by a cable over the raging Nujiang River (with photo!), but apparently only the NYPost and the Kansas City Star [gulp! a News of the Weird client] have picked it up.

Newsrangers: Paul Blumstein, Jim Trageser, Jerry Ricks, Kali Weidner, Rob Snyder, Steve Miller, Ken Berkun
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.