Monday, October 29, 2007

Monday’s 5-Star Special
Green funerals and burials are the rage now, aimed at the 30 percent who still don’t opt for cremation, and in Sweden, even cremation is bad, compared to freeze-drying (dip the body in liquid nitrogen and then industrially vibrate it ‘til it’s powder) (Bonus: A green California cemetery bans headstones but will give you a Google map and GPS coordinates to help you find your dad’s plot)

Civilization in Decline
Now that branding of animals is frowned on in civilized society, London’s Daily Mail detects an upward spike in fashionable branding of humans, including upscale professionals who you’d think would know better ("There was smoke coming out of my arm, and my burnt flesh smelled like a cross between chicken and bacon") . . . . . Mmmm, bacon . . . . . Some British research outfit claims that parents are timing conceptions so that when they reach school, their urchins will be months older than their classmates because stats show "older" is marginally more likely to get better grades [Ed.: which is a little weird, itself, but not as weird as the research outfit’s conclusion that someone ought to put a stop to this "urgent(ly)"] . . . . . Things Lawyers Argue About: Wisconsin law prohibits lawyers from having sex with "a current client," but, Question: What if a lawyer has a three-way with a client and the client’s girlfriend (with the lawyer and the client presumably both straight males)? [Link: The Volokh Conspiracy blog, Scroll way down to 10-25-2007]

The Human Condition Today
Philadelphia pastor Willie Singletary, running for Traffic Court judge, begged his motorcycle club for campaign donations because "You’re all going to need me" (Bonus: His own driver’s license has been suspended until 2011 for excessive tickets) . . . . . New World Record: Graham Hurley, Hackensack, N.J., charged with having nearly, er, 1,000 GB of child porn (and we long for much more information because he was married-with-children but kept his stash in a sealed-off room upstairs protected by fingerprint-ID) . . . . . A golfer in Naples, Fla., swears up and down that his 14-yr-old son, who typically shoots 100 for 18 holes, had a hole-in-one, plus holed out another shot from the fairway and chipped in yet another, all in the same rou—oh, wait, he also had two more holes-in-one that round, for a total of three—and, no, now that you ask, there weren’t any other witnesses (except one guy, on one of the aces, allegedly) . . . . . Least Competent Dictator: Uncle Bob’s ministers in Zimbabwe fell for a huckster who promised an unlimited, perpetual supply of refined oil, located by sort-of dowsing (On the other hand, the huckster accepted Zimbabwe dollars, whose value today is about 1/700th what it was when she was paid) . . . . . The Bank of England is not incompetent, though, because it quickly realized that Chinese con men trying to cash in £1,000 notes couldn’t be serious because they were all recalled in 1963 (and only a few serial numbers are still outstanding), er, let alone those £500,000 notes, let alone that it’s "Bank of England," not "England Bank" . . . . . Two more perps not ready for prime time: A Gainesville, Fla., home invader was shot in the neck by the resident, who’s blind, and a Dallas, Tex., home invader was shot to death by the resident, who had gotten up from his wheelchair to wrestle the perp’s gun away.

Your Daily Loser
According to Austin, Tex., police, Tony Davis has ripped off the families of 160 inmates (up to $17.5k each) to get ‘em freed in court on a Congressional-error technicality that’s so transparently bogus that Yr Editor goes full-circle and actually has sympathy for the victims (and Davis is prepared for a defeat in SCOTUS, because he says he’s got 6 more technicalities researched and ready to go) (Bonus: He’s not a lawyer).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Urbana, Ill., elementary school teacher Jon White, 26, stands accused of getting away with, for a long time, having girls play the taste-test game where they’re blindfolded and have to guess the flavored topping that’s on a, uh, "banana."

The Massachusetts-area chain Jordan’s is out as much as $20m ($40k to one guy) (insured, though, since owner Berkshire Hathaway wouldn’t have it any other way) from a Spring promotion offering furniture for free if the Red Sox won the World Series.

Yikes! The F State genital-piercing mother [NOTW Daily, 10-26-2007] was, um, acquitted, apparently because she didn’t mean any harm to the girl, who friends agreed was well on her way to slutdom before the mother's "solution."

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

Newsrangers: Jamie Anderson, Paul Music, H.Thompson, Tom Barker
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.