Saturday, October 06, 2007

Saturday’s 5-Star Special
Father / Son / Holy Spirit: The son of retired evangelist Oral Roberts, Richard, says the HS has moved him to fight! the charges made by colleagues, employees, and students at Oral Roberts Univ. in Tulsa, Okla., that he, and especially Mrs. Roberts, are out of control. Among the allegations: super-wild personal spending sprees; use of ORU personnel and students for personal errands; clandestinely supporting a political candidate with religious donations; and especially Mrs. R’s $800/month cell phone bill that included "hundreds" of middle-of-the-night text msgs to and from "underage males" whom ORU had supplied with phones.

Civilization in Decline
Can’t Possibly Be True: Two years being a long time, the Minnesota Nat’l Guard just came home from Iraq after 22 months (plus the "surge" extension), to find that their orders for Iraq had been written to last "729 days," and not "730" (at which point gov’t education benefits would have kicked in) . . . . . In the District of Calamity, yet another (now ex-) school official was charged with stealing money (Bonus: He was the school system’s director of internal audit!) . . . . . Italy’s economy minister proposed a tax break worth the equivalent of $1,400 each to all those momma’s boys who still live at home (which feeds an apartment-rental crisis he’s trying to alleviate).

The Human Condition Today
A first-grade teacher in Valparaiso, Ind., was caught at work, smashed, and with two cans of beer in her purse (and blew a .20; the state max for driving is .08, which sounds to Yr Editor like a good minimum for any day you're teaching first-graders) . . . . . The mayor of Atlantic City has been AWOL now for 10 days (well, not literally AWOL, because he granted himself medical leave) with almost no explanation (which is strange enough, but it also affords Yr Editor the opportunity to point out that 3 of the last 6 Atlantic City mayors have at some point been arrested, and one-third of the current City Council are in prison or awaiting sentencing) ("Look, if the mayor of Atlantic City can’t go off on a ten-day bender every now and then, the terrorists have already won" – Slate.com's Today’s Papers) . . . . . All we know about this story from Mobile is that a man is dead, another hacked off part of his tongue, $200,000 is missing, and this is Alabama! . . . . . Another dentist with the Tax Gene: Dr. Louis Genard, 57, was slam-dunk convicted of tax evasion, despite his most excellent defense that he was beyond the court’s jurisdiction because he had declared himself in July to have diplomatic immunity as "Ambassador and Citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven under its King Jesus Christ" [also, see Updates] . . . . . Chutzpah! Frank Drake, 37, was busted in Concord, N.H., charged with growing 130 marijuana plants in several gardens right there on the side of Interstate 89.

Your Daily Loser
Career criminal Clive Halford of Wolverhampton, England, pleaded guilty after being busted in July for a break-in and theft of 18 pallets of nickel and copper from a metal company but not quite getting away, in that his cargo broke his truck’s suspension.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Parents of two kids filed a lawsuit against former Jackson, Miss., assistant principal Sherard Hollins for messing with the boys, and apparently it was important to the lawsuit that it specify that Hollins was interested in sucking not just "the toes" of one boy but his "big toe."

NOTW Lite
SCOTUS only wishes it had this power: The High Court in New Delhi got so annoyed with a certain lower court judge that it ordered him back to law school and for the dean to submit a written report on his progress . . . . . Best Headline (Mainichi Daily News, Tokyo): "Policeman Shot in Butt with Own Gun While Battling Porn Vending Machine Bandits."

Updates
Our old friends (with the Tax Gene) Ed (the retired exterminator) and Elaine (the dentist) Brown, holed up in their "compound" in New Hampshire [NOTW Daily, 6-14-2007, 6-20-2007, 7-20-2007] and vowing not to be taken alive by the U.S. Marshals surrounding the place in order to arrest them after their tax-evasion conviction, got tricked. A stream of anti-gov’t types had been visiting for months, bringing the Browns, y’know, covered dishes, toilet paper, bullets, etc., and apparently some Marshals talked the talk of anti-gov’t types and were invited in, also, and then arrested the Browns peaceably . . . . . Another chapter closed in that years-long Great Fast-Food Restaurant Telephone Strip-Search Hoax [NOTW 981, 11-26-2006] [NOTW 811, 8-24-2003] [NOTW 731, 2-10-2002] [NOTW 570, 1-8-1999], when a jury in, ahem, Shepherdsville, Ky., awarded one stripsearch-ee $6.1m from her employer, McD’s, for not taking the hoax calls seriously enough when they were going on. (Backstory: A guy would call up pretending to be a cop and demand that a manager strip-search a certain female employee, looking for "evidence," and demand that the manager describe the search over the phone, step-by-step, and a lot of managers actually said, Uh, OK.) . . . . . Bottom-feeding F-State political consultant Doug Guetzloe, whose business papers (smoking guns included) were handed off to WKMG-TV in Orlando after he failed to keep up his storage locker payments [NOTW M001, 4-15-2007], lost on appeal, and now the station is entitled to broadcast whatever they found. (This would be a slam-dunk case in most of the country, but in the F State, it takes several months for judges to read SCOTUS opinions on First Amendment law because, y’know, they have to move their lips and stop to look up words.) (Bonus: a particularly-weaselly photo of Guetzloe)

Professor Music’s Weird Links
This is apparently a serious recipe (in a section called "Congress Cooks!") offered by U.S. Sen. Larry Craig for his toe-tapping-good "Super Tuber" made by sticking your wiener through a cored-out Idaho potato (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

NOTW, The Blog
Yr Editor was both heart-warmed and cold-sweated yesterday, by athlete Marion Jones’s performance. Regardless of the offense, that was an outstanding public apology! Wow! She is mortally ashamed, and begs your forgiveness, for unequivocally screwing up! On the other hand, if public figures all of a sudden start sincerely apologizing for their misdeeds (instead of their usual weaseling, "regret"-type, if-anyone-was-hurt, "made a bad choice," not-a-perfect-person, Jesus-forgives-me public sedations), we will be deprived of a generous resource for ridicule and amusement, which of course crimps Yr Editor’s style. On balance, though, I’d take the hit on that for the betterment of society, but I’m sure it’ll never come to that.

Newsrangers: Karl Olson, Joe Littrell, Wayne Gossett, Paul Music, Robert Evatt
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.