Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tuesday’s 5-Star Special
Here’s your worst-case-scenario: The 50,000-square-ft "Basketball Town" kids’ sports complex in Rancho Cordova, Calif. (near Sacramento) is today a ghost facility, on the verge of shutting down instead of providing recreation for thousands of urchins and their parents, and the sole reason, according to several news reports: the very, very pissed-off quadriplegic Derrick Ross, who (reportedly) refused to allow people to carry him and his ‘chair to and from the festive, joyous (but elevatorless-mezzanine-level) birthday party to which he had been invited, and instead filed yet another Americans with Disabilities Act lawsuit, including sort-of "humiliation damages" that the community cannot afford (with the number being tossed out, $100k). A special lift costs about $35k, which someone has offered to donate, but so far, Mr. Ross prefers to remain pissed off.

Civilization in Decline
The school district in Oak Lawn, Ill., is the latest to grapple with mosque-state issues, which run sorta like this: We Muslims need to pray in school, if that’s where we happen to be located when the time comes to pray / School board: No praying in school / Muslims: But Christianity is all over the school, like Christmas decorations and festivals / School board: OK, no more Christmas / Muslims: Wait, that’s not what we meant (Bonus by school: We’ll even stop serving Jell-O in the cafeteria, seein’ as how it’s made with pig tissue) (Oak Lawn parents: Whaa-aaat?) . . . . . We Report, You Decide: A furniture company owner in Mumbai swore that his fresh line of products is to be known as the New Arrival Zone for India, and that’s not a tribute to Mr. Hitler . . . . . Think of how dumb someone has to be to get caught in a Texas public corruption scheme–Texas!–and here are 14 people who just got indicted, including state Rep. Terri Hodge, who the prosecutor says traded away 5 yrs’ under-the-table influence in exchange for a grand total of $32k (Bonus: Her major legislative issue has always been, er, prison reform) . . . . . A regional police force in Britain has officially notified its officers that it’s too dangerous for them to be rescuing any drowning swimmers so don’t ever try.

The Human Condition Today
Ms. Zorina Kroop, 63, told credulous reporters in all seriousness that one of the reasons why she had just won the $60m Mega Millions jackpot was because she believes in the Blue Dot (which is a thing that National Enquirer prints next to the horoscope column, Yr Editor has always assumed, to keep readers with poor ‘scopes from killing themselves) . . . . . A British court found that Ms. Tracy Wenn was, indeed, so upset that her boyfriend ate her specially-prepared meal out of the refrigerator that she, uh, stabbed him in the leg . . . . . And speaking of stabbing, two adult brothers in Chicago stabbed each other into the hospital Sunday night during a celebration (Happy birthday, Mom!) . . . . . Recurring Theme: DWEO (a driver in Houston, Tex., slamming into a bus, thus spilling the driver’s bowl of oatmeal all over the car’s interior) . . . . . How, you ask, is it possible for one driver to zoom right past the toll-road collection box 1,114 times (and thus owe $80,000)?

Your Daily Loser
Wendy Cook, 37, reportedly a prostitute in Schenectady, N.Y., was arrested for doing some of her work at home in front of her two toddlers, and, allegedly, she once snorted a line of coke off of her 8-month-old’s belly in front of a client.

NOTW Lite
NY Mets fans are probably wishin’ their Amazin’s showed as much competitive fire as these California pumpkin farmers, vying to grow this season’s biggest.

Update
Perhaps Kyle Krichbaum (the kid who appears to be as obsessed with vacuum cleaners at age 12 [NOTW M019, 8-19-2007] as Yr Editor was at that age with Annette Funicello) was onto something. Georgia Tech doctoral student Ja Young Sung (specialty: "emotional design") says Roomba (the robotic vacuum cleaner) customers have developed such a fondness for their devices that 21 of 30 he interviewed had names for them, and even others referred to it as "he." A Ga. Tech professor said she’s seen photos of people who dress up their Roombas. "This sort of notion that someone would dress a vacuum cleaner seemed strange. A lot more was going on." But, behold the silver lining: Now that a vacuum cleaner can be thought of as a complex electronic gadget . . . more housework is being done by men!

Good Enough for Government Work
Britain’s Lancashire police has concluded, after an exhaustive, year-long investigation, that Officer Lobo only erroneously (not criminally) submitted expense vouchers over by £90 ($183), and thank goodness, the police didn’t have to spend one shilling more than £500,000 ($1.03 million) to find that out.

Newsrangers: Mark Neunder, Karl Olson, Steve Miller, Emory Kimbrough, Melissa Bean, H.Thompson
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.