Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wednesday’s 5-Star Special
Drum roll, please, for the super-fertile Ms. Amelia Spence of Scotland, apparently the world’s most powerful procreator: Not only did she force her birth-control pills to tap out, but then she got pregnant again three weeks after that first conception (and both babies were born on the same day and are officially not twins).

Civilization in Decline
A stringer for London’s Guardian thinks the villagers along the Caribbean coast of Nicaragua look on the bales that periodically drift ashore as mysterious, God-sent cargo (as in "cargo cults"); because of the currents, they are cocaine shipments ditched overboard by Miami drug runners, who will eventually browse the villages and offer the big bucks for their return (and God will have thus blessed) . . . . . Uh-oh: The Washington Post quotes law-abiding Americans who say they’ve been spied on by dragonflies buzzing around but which aren’t dragonflies at all but robo-bugs.

The Human Condition Today
Michael Tisdale, 44, one of those men who clearly ought not to be wearing an Old Glory-design thong swimsuit, jogged in one through downtown Miami protesting, second, the conspiracy of higher-ups that is allegedly sending us to hell, but first, us, because we are so dumb that we tolerate it (and, sorry to disappoint, but he’s from out-of-state!) . . . . . A.J. Jacobs, the guy who famously read the Encyclopedia Britannica word for word, has completed (for a new book) a year living according to the Bible, and wearing robe and sandals and herding sheep were no big deals, but he struggled with that "covet" and "bear false witness" stuff . . . . . "I never wanted Alan to have my [life-sized] face tattooed on his back in the first place," said Lisa Jenkins as she prepared for her new life with a young hunk after walking out on Alan after 15 yrs, but he still has the faces of their two daughters on his back to console him . . . . . Univ. of Missouri-Columbia researchers have given us rich background on the Newfoundland Mummers (which, if you hurry, you can put all this in a so-far sparse entry in Wikipedia!): They visit their neighbors around Xmas-time in disguise and actually threaten them, and the neighbors (1) try to guess who they really are and (2) practice restraining themselves from a violent defense, and this whole thing has allegedly made sense for hundreds of years and adds to "community" and "trust" (but you can see why the Wikipedia entry is sparse) . . . . . Least Competent Marathoner: Former Mexican presidential candidate Roberto Madrazo finished first in the age-55 group in Berlin, but that was because he disrespected the computer chip check-ups, which busted him for shorting the circuit, and it didn’t help that he aroused suspicion by running in a windbreaker and long pants ("There’s no windbreakers in marathoning" [sic]).

Your Daily Loser
He’s in custody in Pittsburgh, Pa., but hasn’t identified himself yet, and no wonder: He walked into a grocery store and seriously asked for change of his $1 million bill.

Headline from Marion, Iowa: "Clown Kicks in Door, Punches Resident" . . . . . Something to look forward to if you mistakenly ingest antifreeze: One approved remedy is a three-day vodka drip.

OK, the medical examiner told y’all not to speculate about that Alabama minister found dead dressed in two rubber suits [NOTW Daily, 10-8-2007], but apparently the Montgomery Advertiser had partly sanitized his autopsy report. Fortunately, was on the case. Y’all are now officially free to speculate because the coroner also found a dildo covered with a condom up the reverend’s wazoo.

Professor Music’s Weird Links is kinda all-purpose. There’s a lot of medical quasi-advice plus stuff for learned discussion on surgeries, on obesity, on anorexia, etc., so you can always keep a serious-type page on your screen at work . . and open tabs for, e.g., the world’s fattest people, or largest tumors, or largest breasts,
or people who get surgery to look like celebrities.

Newsrangers: John Wriedt, Gary Miller, Mark Neunder, Paul Blumstein, Paul Music, Justin Warner, Mara Levy, Steve Dunn.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.