Thursday, November 08, 2007

Civilization in Decline
Found in the briefcase this week of the new Sicilian Mafia capo di tutti capo, probably addressed indirectly to the young punk recruits they’re letting in these days, was a list of Commandments on how to be honorable thugs, like, no hitting on friends’ wives and stay out of bars . . . . . Two mid-level Washington, D.C., city tax department workers were charged with stealing $16m with bogus tax refunds over at least a three-yr period [Ed.: There are bad apples everywhere, but only in the fog of the District of Calamity bureaucracy can you do this continuously for three years, and no one notice].

The Human Condition Today
An Israeli journalists’ organization, anticipating a working visit to the Netherlands, e-mailed a list of questions it expected to ask officials, but left their translation entirely in the hands of the robo-translator, with ensuing hilarity (e.g., "The mother of your visit in Israel is a sleep to the favor or to the bed your mind on the conflict are Israeli Palestinian, and on relational Israel Holland") . . . . . Not only is Alexander Smith, 46, unconcerned about his carbon footprint, he doesn’t even mind driving down the road in North Carolina and dumping his old washing machine, and then his dryer, and then his stove, and then another stove, and then a freezer (and that's "felony littering") . . . . . A UK lottery game was abruptly pulled from the market because of customer, er, unsophistication (i.e., a lot of people had the damnedest time deciding whether minus-6 degrees is warmer or colder than minus-8) [via] . . . . . Catholic priest Fr. David Ajernian was arrested in New York City for an ongoing celebrity stalking of, er, Conan O’Brien ("I want a public confession [he wrote Conan] before I ever consider giving you absolution" [and absolution for what, he didn’t say]).

Your Daily Loser
Brian Poulin, 35, was arrested after calling 911 in Hebron, Conn., several times and asking seriously if the police could please bring him some beer.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
A UK driving instructor was charged with fondling several female students, but his perfectly good, don’t-we-all-do-this explanation for showing one girl the photograph of his penis: Well, I had a new camera and I wanted to test the close-up lens. (Bonus: Who needs Doc Johnson when you've got a carrot?)

And the deer rested in peace (recurring theme): Two cars collided with a deer on a Wisconsin road at about the same time, but then careened off and hit each other, causing one of the cars to burst into flames . . . . . Since It Could Theoretically Happen, It Did: In Cary, N.C., a woman gave birth to twins early Sunday morning, with one dropping at 1:32 a.m. and the other 34 minutes later, at, er, well, 1:06 a.m.

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
It’s not so crucial that the terrorist watch list is overbloated because (the defense goes) you can just write in and have your name taken off . . well, except for those 15,000 people, most of whom wrote in months ago begging Homeland Security’s pardon.

A downside of term limits: If your representatives can’t return to the state house, what will they do with their free time? Until last yr, Ted Klaudt was a wide-bodied South Dakota legislator, and now here he is, convicted of sexually assaulting two teenage girls by convincing them that his probing fingers were giving them a medical exam to ascertain their fitness to sell their eggs for the big bucks [NOTW Daily, 5-21-2007] . . . . . And Florida’s own toe-tapper, state Rep. Bob Allen of Titusville, went on trial this week, with his defense now focusing on whether money was ever mentioned in that public restroom (For a look at Allen’s evolving explanations, see NOTW Daily, 7-13-2007, 8-4-2007, 8-24-2007) . . . . . The Philadelphia judge who [reasonably, in Yr Editor’s view, although not in the view of many other people] downgraded a possible rape of a prostitute to "armed robbery"/"theft of services" [NOTW Daily, 10-17-2007] was re-elected to the bench this week.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

NOTW, The Blog
London’s Daily Mail, always toeing the line of appeal to the salacious, crossed it in Thursday’s online edition: detailed instructions on how a woman is supposed to weigh her breast (for bra-fitting purposes, of course), accompanied by definite NSFW photos.

Newsrangers: Wendy Palm, Zoe Boult, Emory Kimbrough, Judy Kane, Joe Littrell, Scott Langill, Valerie Carr, Steve Miller, Karl Olson
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.