Monday, November 26, 2007

Monday’s 5-Star Special
Hard Times for Mayors: (1) Mayor Lino Donato of Poteet, Tex. (pop. 3500), says he has to work at home from now on since city hall is 1,000 ft from a kids’ recreation center, and he’s a registered sex offender, and (2) Mayor Ken Williams of Centerton, Ark., resigned, confessing that he’s really a former Indiana pastor named Don LaRose who skipped out on his family in 1980 (Bonus: His defense: He had to leave Indiana because Satanic murderers were after him!)

Civilization in Decline
From the French company Guerlain, a lipstick selling for $62k, available in the U.S. only through Bergdorf Goodman . . . . . A British pub (the Pelham Buckle) is handing out electronic swipe cards to control entry for its regular customers, because riff-raff have become a problem . . . . . Between 100m and 1b birds die every yr colliding with glass, especially with those "environmentally friendly" buildings that have reflective glass and thus outsmart the little bird brains . . . . . "Whenever I lie down in my bed, a cobra will just slide on top of me, without hurting me," said a leader in an Indian village that is home to 3,000 of ‘em, and relatively few people get bitten, but for the ones that do, they’re more likely to seek help from (a) a spirit doctor or (b) no one (in that cobras are semi-sacred, anyway) than (c) a medical doctor . . . . . Thai military leaders proposed legislation requiring loudspeakering of the nat’l anthem twice a day and even requiring drivers to come to a stop.

The Human Condition Today
Elizabeth Hingston showed her love, after two months’ courtship, by letting her boyfriend break her leg, for about $200k insurance money (but, of course, they’ve since split up) . . . . . It says here [Ed.: that’s a code phrase for "Yr Editor is not so sure this story isn’t made-up, but maybe it’s real"] that surgeons at Nishtar hospital in Multan, Pakistan, removed a glass Pepsi bottle from a man’s rectum (and here’s Dr. Abdul Manan, eyeballing the x-ray) . . . . . The Top Cat company featured (at a London expo) a "Rabbit Travel Vibe" pulsating dildo that runs off your car’s cigarette lighter, but some auto safety people went nuts [mothers against delightful driving?] . . . . . Ms. Jonna Marks, 39, checked into Quincy (Mass.) Medical Center for some unreported illness but then allegedly proceeded to sell heroin from her room; police confiscated her stash and a scale . . . . . A city council also-ran figured out that Riverdale, Ga., voters tend to favor "female incumbents" over other types and is suing for election fraud, in that the "female incumbent" who beat her used to be a man . . . . . An activist in Uganda charged that the gov’t unfairly profiles women applying to immigrate, to favor those with the very, very important Ugandan assimilation quality of a huge butt . . . . . NY inmate Keith Lettley sent some letters (with his prison number as the return address) to high-profile people threatening something or other (not disclosed) and with white powder inside (tested out harmless), and authorities are puzzled, in that on Lettley’s meet-a-woman web page, he describes himself as "mature," "grounded," "caring," and "fair."

Your Daily Loser
Rudy Aguas, Reno, Nev., attempted a carjacking (said police), but the victim grabbed for Rudy’s gun, sending Rudy fleeing on foot, for a ways, anyhow, until he ran across a construction site, stepped in freshly-poured concrete, and couldn’t get free.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Actually, Mr. Sandy Wong, 45, of Edmonton, Alberta, is probably getting more sex than you, but he’s in trouble because he gets his by himself, in public, sitting on car roofs (new BMW, ‘67 Camaro, ‘65 Bel Air, 2005 MiniCooper, whose hood he teabagged) because they curve like women’s bodies. Other fetishes: motorcycles, women with big feet.

Chicago surgeons report that they recently removed a 10-lb., 15x7x7 (inches) hairball from an 18-yr-old woman, who was healthy (except for stomach aches) . . . . . The good news in Croatia is that its soccer team upset England in the Euro 2008 games and that British opera singer Tony Henry is now regarded as the Croats’ nat’l hero; the bad news is that he achieved that distinction by botching the Croatian nat’l anthem at Euro 2008 by accidentally fumbling the lyric, "how we love your mountains!" in favor of "my penis is a mountain!"

Good Enough for Gov’t Work
Good: The German gov’t wastes taxpayers’ money, too, like, for a dirty projection screen, the army bought special brushes supposedly made of hair from cows’ ears.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Here’s Dave Barry’s annual holiday gift guide, which was done up all nice by the Washington Post, including the practical (bedside gun holster) [Ed.: Oops, sorry, forgot that most of you, unlike me ‘n’ Dave, don’t live in the F State] and the quixotic (watermelon-flavored lollipops in the image of the head of Sigmund Freud)].

Newsrangers: Sam Gaines, Geoffrey Egan, Brad Gray, Tom Barker, Tim Farley, Paul Music, Bob Pert, Scott Langill, John Votel, and a cast of many on a couple of those stories
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.