Saturday, March 31, 2007

Saturday’s Drip
(being another abbreviated version, and by the way, owing to the press of other business, News of the Weird Daily will not be updated on April 2 and 3 but will resume regular daily posting on Wednesday, April 4, though Yr Editor will remain alert and industrious during the off-days)

Civilization in Decline
Cheap Headline: "3 Men Get $45k Payout for Sleeping Near Feces" (being the settlement of the November lawsuit on behalf of the homeless men against Las Vegas for arresting them for violating an already-rescinded city ordinance designed to get them off the beautiful Las Vegas streets by barring them from sleeping within 200 ft of where they poop) . . . . . Speaking of No. 2: Novartis said it will comply with an FDA request and take Zelnorm off the market, to the chagrin of many of the 12 million sufferers of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (because of a higher risk of cardiac side-effects, which of course, in America, each IBS sufferer should be allowed to decide about individually but now can’t because a few of those who go on to make bad choices will sue the socks off Novartis) . . . . . Speaking of Lawsuits: Turns out now that those raucous imams at the Minneapolis airport in November (whose demeanor petrified some of the passengers) will sue the airport, and U.S. Airways—and, conceivably, any passenger who complained about them (for slander).

The Human Condition Today
Charles McComas, 46, thought he could drive a meth lab on wheels (plus an arsenal, plus dope, while wanted on a probation-violation warrant) around Florida and not get stopped for that bad license plate on his trailer [Ed.: The F State does traffic stops really, really well; it’s that Miranda stuff they often have trouble with.]

NOTW Lite
"When departing your Budget Rent-a-Car, be sure to take all personal belongings with you," including your snake.

Updates
The 200-lb. chocolate Jesus mentioned yesterday as of now has no home because its NYC gallery caved in to Catholic protests.

NOTW, The Blog
So, this is Yr Daddy telling you to be careful out there tomorrow for fake news stories, though fake news is so trendy these days that it’d take a masterpiece to fool NOTW readers. The greater problem remains: Rather than too many people believing fake news, too many people will disbelieve real news.
The Top 100 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes of All Time [MuseumofHoaxes.com]
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Friday’s Drip
Flash! Gov’t screwups! / Military service causes ‘roids / Sikhs get down with Turban Pride / And the very, very fattening Jesus

Civilization in Decline
Close enough for gov’t work: (1) EPA fined the Dept. of Energy $1.1m for disregarding agreed-to inspections of the Hanford nuclear reservation (which it is cleaning up, over the next, er, 28 yrs), and (2) USDA acknowledged that the law has required for 30 yrs that it inspect certain meat processing plants daily but that it, uh, hasn’t exactly kept to that schedule . . . . . A Scripps Howard investigation found the VA disability system already so strained that returnees from Iraq and Afghanistan will totally crush it, and that a big current clogger is the hundreds of thousands now on disability with things like shaving bumps and hemorrhoids . . . . . Same old song, but Georgetown University (rated around the top 20 or 30, bookwise) has a thing for basketball players who have been academically rehabbed at something called the Lutheran Christian Academy in Philadelphia, including a recently departed player whose public-high school GPA was 1.33, with F’s in 12 courses.

The Human Condition Today
While Yr Editor is modest in his regard for the Postal Service, it says here that John and Sue Conway have to get their mail at the local post office (since May) because their home mailbox was installed on the "wrong" side of the street and, dammit, we’re not moving it (because nobody told us about that when we moved in) . . . . . Fool Me Once, etc., But Fool Me Four Times—: An O’Charley’s restaurant manager (Bloomington, Ind.) finally got the hang of the diner who had been in on four straight Wednesdays, ordered 2 cocktails and a steak each time, then skipped out on the check . . . . . In Australia, a "former judge and human rights advocate," Marcus Einfeld, was caught trying to avoid a $77 speeding ticket (US$62) by lying that he had loaned the car out that day, but the loanee had actually been dead for 3 yrs . . . . . Alexander David Cross, arrested for statutory rape of a 15-yr-old girl 10 days earlier, is revealed in a jailhouse shower to actually be Elaine Ann Cross, causing prosecutors to lighten up a bit . . . . . Yesterday was the first official sampling of the smell of the cheddar-cheese ball maturing at the 24/7 Internet site that has grabbed more than a half a million hits since January.

NOTW Lite
Inexplicable animal-carcass dumpings: Salamonia, Ind. (about 250 in plastic bags in a picturesque countryside) and Islip, N.Y. ("scores" dumped in front of the town hall despite the fact that local taxes have gone down for 13 straight yrs) . . . . . A man led police on a high-speed chase in Stratford, Conn., before revealing himself to be either Dick Cheney or Jaclyn Smith or Paris Hilton’s brother-in-law [Ed.: thus falling short of the all-time delusional trifecta of James Traficant, Betty White, and a cousin of Carrot Top, ba-dap-bap*] . . . . . Who knew that Sikhs are having such a tough time convincing their young people to wear the turban? (Hence the need for "turban pride" events like World Turban Day and Mr. Singh Int’l pageants, plus the "Smart Turban 1.0" CD-ROM.) [* – I made up that trifecta]

Updates
When we last visited sidestream artist Cosimo Cavallaro, he was making a cheese mess in a NYC apartment [NOTW 598, 7-23-1999], and now he checks in with a 200-lb., anatomically correct, milk-chocolate statue of Jesus, right on time for Easter (with, of course, several Catholic spokesmen going nuts) (but for the record: only 485,000 calories and 27,000g/fat but, hey, 17,280 percent of your daily requirement for calcium!).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Thursday’s Drip
(being an abbreviated version, instead of its usual All the News You Need to Know) (And by the way, my thanks to so many of you—but not all of you—who kindly refrained from informing me that I had mislabeled the day of the week on yesterday’s post.)

Civilization in Decline
South Korea’s getting sick and tired of China’s pre-Olympics reforms, especially the one about no longer extracting organs from executed prisoners because organs are apparently a main Korean import . . . . . A Calgary, Alberta, judge ordered that the prisoner not be denied his medical marijuana for multiple sclerosis, even though the reason he’s locked up in the first place was for selling marijuana . . . . . A Bosnian man was convicted of four urban bombings, but the judge was said to go soft on him because he has no terrorism ties but was just trying to frighten his girlfriend a little bit (and he did; they’re getting married!).

The Human Condition Today
Harmonic Convergence: Ya got your general political attitude prevalent in the F State, and ya got your tacky, semi-sleazy political "consultants," of which there are many. Still, prosecutors weren’t able to pin anything much on Doug Guetzloe of Orlando, who always seemed to swim just barely below the surface, via marginally plausible denials. But then, he missed a payment on his storage locker, and the guy who bought the 40 cartons of papers inside (for $10) turned them over to genuine professional investigative reporter Tony Pipitone of WKMG-TV in January. Holy moley. A paper trail of gargantuan proportions. Yesterday, he was indicted and arrested.

Your Daily Losers
Joan Hall, 65, and Roger Neff, 76, on trial for pulling price switches at Cleveland department stores, just can’t stop themselves: During a lunch break, they tried to shoplift food from the courthouse cafeteria.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Here’s another retail-store public semen-spewer, operating out of the children’s section at a Barnes and Noble in Memphis, so it’s probably not the one Yr Editor recently, er, came across (but which I can’t seem to find now in the archive in the brief time I have today).

NOTW Lite
Awesome! Inmates at the Kinross Correctional Facility on Michigan’s Upper Peninsula actually dug an elaborate tunnel, The Great Escape-style, and had breached the perimeter by 25 ft, being six ft from freedom (meaning all they had to do was dig . . up), and they got caught.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wednesday’s Drip
The voodoo limbo tango and wango dance / The sewage tsunami / 93 pounds of stolen underwear / The return of the humuhumunukunukuapuaa / And a Correction to this week’s News of the Weird column

Civilization in Decline
Britain’s Court of Appeal agreed with a convicted rapist that just because the woman was totally shirt-faced doesn’t mean she couldn’t possibly have given consent . . . . . A gay black man taunted a bigoted Army recruiter (herself an American Indian), and the result is some way-over-the-top e-mails, like, "Go back to Africa and do your gay voodoo limbo tango and wango dance and jump around and prance and run all over the place half naked there" (except of course it was all in caps) . . . . . Oops, sloppiness by federal prosecutors [Ed.: Hey, fire this U.S. Attorney!] results in the feds not being able to touch the $100m that a tax-fraud guy is accused of hiding (even though he is going to prison for 9 yrs) . . . . . Despite United Nations warnings since 2004 that a sewage facility in Umm al-Nasr, Gaza, was dangerously overpooped, nothing was done, until this weekend, when the whole thing collapsed and flooded the village like a tidal wave, killing four.

The Human Condition Today
War is hell: A New York Times Editor’s Note on Sunday sorta apologized for running intact Navy construction worker Amorita Randall’s rendition of being blown up in a Humvee in Iraq, because when it finally got around to fact-checking, it turns out she was never in Iraq. The Times reporter had been mighty impressed with her story, though, causing the editors to declare: "Based on the information that came to light after the article was printed, it is now clear that Ms. Randall did not serve in Iraq, but may have become convinced she did. Since the article appeared, Ms. Randall herself has questioned another member of her unit, who told Ms. Randall that she was not deployed to Iraq."
Classic Santa Cruz, Calif.: A guy is videotaping coeds’ feet in a library at Univ. of Calif. Santa Cruz, and one nonjudgmental woman comes to his defense: "[No] need to jump to conclusions. Maybe he was doing research" . . . . . The Pi Kappa Alpha boys at Univ. of Michigan suffered the indignity of having a young woman walk into their house, strip, sit down on the sofa, and diddle herself for, oh, a half hour, and the boys were all perfect gentlemen . . . . . Quoc Pham filed a $1 million lawsuit in NY against his Bulgarian ex-girlfriend, claiming she just used him as a sperm donor and had subsequently moved on to another lad who "could make her cervix orgasmic just by thinking," Quoc said . . . . . Probably lots of F-State judges pack sidearms, but this guy actually whipped his out in the courtroom . . . . . At the Apex, N.C., town cemetery, when several dozen sheep were found grazing on flowers, everyone knew where they came from: David Watts’s house, where they live on the first floor and he on the second.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Garth Flaherty, 24, was arrested in Pullman, Wash., allegedly in possession of 93 pounds of stolen underwear, but there’s good news for Garth (despite his having blurted out that he has a "problem"): It’s going to be really hard to find owners willing to come forward and, with authority, identify their particular undies. [Bonus: photo of police layout of some items]
And Joseph Curtis, 64, a social worker in Ottumwa, Iowa, gave up his license as part of a settlement over his possession of child porn (boys) and his doing "inappropriate" things with his dog.

NOTW Lite
A witness to a murder in Somerset, England, splits the difference between snitching and silence—by leaving the police clues in poetry . . . . . Apparently, many Hawaiians were bent out of shape to learn that, because of the peculiarities of a statute, when the legislature designated the humuhumunukunukuapuaa as the state fish a few yrs ago, the designation was to last only 5 yrs, and thus, they have to again go through the rigorous, backbreaking process of picking a fish . . . . . Israel’s pro-marijuana organization says you’ve got to get all your dope out of the house for Passover (seriously), except for Sephardic Jews, for whom dope is OK (but still illegal, of course).

NOTW, The Blog
Erroror: In this week’s NOTW, Yr Editor reported that Gary Galleberg, a former vice mayor of Naples, Fla., had pleaded guilty to battery for spitting on a restaurant diner’s table. In fact, he pleaded no-contest. I apologize for the error. This Correction will appear in the News of the Weird column that is published April 8, 2007.
A story ran yesterday out of Calvert, Md., about Toby the golden retriever’s performing the Heimlich maneuver on his owner, saving her. Originally in the weekly Cecil Whig newspaper (Cecil County, Md.), it has now officially been reported around the world as real by the Associated Press, and it is one of those stories that ticks Yr Editor off, in that there is no reliable evidence that Toby did any such thing. If he’s a wonder dog, we have to accept the word of the owner, and not even that—accept her belief that Toby was doing anything except momentarily, excitedly jumping up and down on the woman’s chest, in imitation of having just seen her pound her own chest.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Tuesday’s Drip
Return of segregated rest rooms / 600,000 foreign fugitives on the loose in the U.S. / Smuggling crocs in to Gaza / And yesterday’s spanking-the-monkey story was way-exaggerated

Civilization in Decline
Toronto’s Globe & Mail reveals that Afhani locals are relegated to separate toilets at the NATO base in Kandahar, because, said some Westerners, many of them do hygiene-challenging things like squat on the toilet seats . . . . . Foreigners who have been court-ordered out of the U.S. are (after 9-11) hunted down by 52 teams, but Homeland Security said they’re still behind by, er, 600,000 fugitives . . . . . The police in Gillette, Wyo., are ticked that they lost a jury trial of the owner of a head shop so they’ve gotten a judicial seizure order to keep the bongs as contraband (which is technically not "double jeopardy," in that the perp now is not the owner but the bongs, themselves) . . . . . What to do if your state’s mandatory school testing shows 85 percent success on reading/writing but around 55 percent on math/science? Washington state’s solution: stop testing math and science. [Well, officially, it is substituting end-of-course tests in math and science, meaning to Yr Editor that it finds no merit in learning whether students retain even one byte of information for even one month.]

The Human Condition Today
Jeremy Steinke goes on trial this week in Calgary, accused of murdering a peaceful middle-class family of three, with help from his jailbait girlfriend (she was 12 at the time; he was about 300, in that he has pointed out all along that he is a werewolf) . . . . . Elaine Larabie of Ottawa and her terrier Missy both came down with vomiting and mouth-foaming, and doctors think it’s because they ate tainted dog food (she, to show Missy that it was OK to eat).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
It’s No Longer Weird, this gentleman in his 60's with 250 mice and 300 pigeons in an 800-sq-ft apartment, but he had carefully preserved his porn stash in plastic to protect it from the "elements."

NOTW Lite
Yr Editor has informed you previously that they were making paper out of elephant dung in Thailand, and now here’s the Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Base in China using, er, similar technology . . . . . Alert Egyptian border guards catch a woman about to enter Gaza with three crocodiles taped to her chest.

Update
Yesterday’s monkey-spanking was, it turns out, too good to be true, in that the official who characterized the audio tape as describing "mutual stimulation" between Bobby Crawford Jr. and his rhesus macaque, Darwin, as much as admitted that he might have been reading too much into it. (In fact, the 30-yr veteran is afraid he’ll be fired over the blunder.) On the other hand, the message might have been hard to interpret, in that Crawford admits that he was probably crying when he jabbered the "baby talk" to Darwin.

NOTW, The Blog
A successful same-sex marriage in Milwaukee, owing to the fact that the taller of the two ladies still has his original-issue parts, but Yr Editor mentions it here for the stimulating TV photos of said taller partner.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Monday’s Drip
Humans taking over sheep bodies, one organ at a time / Murder is not enough; bodies must be julienned / It’s about time we had some good chardonnay ice cream / And spanking the monkey in Texas

Civilization in Decline
A Canadian scientist complains that all those amateur videos of Bigfoot (Sasquatch) on the Internet are ruining the credibility of his serious research on Bigfoot sightings [Ed.: of which there have been none to survive rigorous scrutiny] . . . . . A bill introduced in the Georgia legislature would allow highway billboard companies to clear-cut 500 ft to either side of their beauties (especially in the densely-wooded Appalachian forest in the northwest corner) . . . . . Univ. of Nevada Master of the Universe Esmail Zanjani announced he has created a sheep with some vital organs that are half-human (for an overall total of 15 percent) . . . . . Just lying there in the hot California desert, unattended, was an acre’s worth of donated, but rotting, food (think, yogurt) from the Second Harvest Food Bank in Orange County (but the explanation sounds good, that SHFB ships expired food to a farmer but that he had just lost his ranch) (but no matter how good the explanation sounds, ewwww).

The Human Condition Today
Britain’s Helen Pretty courageously faced the question that millions of people fear, i.e., if your sibling needed a life-saving bone-marrow transplant for which you were a perfect match but almost no one else is, would you put yourself at risk? (Helen: "Sorry") . . . . . And what is this, News of the Weird or Iron Chef? You’ve got Rosanita Nery dos Santos in Brazil convicted of hacking her husband into small pieces and frying him, and then there’s Surender Koli of India arrested for murder of at least one woman whose parts were disposed of in a cooker, and then, in what Yr Editor can only assume was a Tribute Murder, Timothy Wayne Shepherd was arrested in Houston for allegedly killing an ex-girlfriend and putting her on the grill (though probably not to eat, exactly) . . . . . Andrew Jacobs of Madison Township, Ohio, may live in a trailer, but he’s an electronics wizard, because it wasn’t just the primary bathroom camera he had set up, but, said a police sergeant, "[H]e had the whole trailer rigged."

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
We don’t have the whole story yet, but it says here that Bobby Crawford Jr. of Plano, Tex., had his rhesus macaque monkey ("Darwin") confiscated by the gov’t (because those things are vicious), but that he is so fond of his little fella that he’s been to see him several times, and he’s agreed to move out of town just to get him back. But according to Animal Services, Crawford left a box of Darwin’s toys to keep him company in lockup, and one item was an audio tape player, on one of whose messages Crawford "made references to Darwin and himself engaging in mutual stimulation" (according to the Star newspaper group of Plano). [UPDATE: The official at Animal Services said, Never mind, that he might have read too much into the message. See NOTW Daily, 3-27-2007.]

NOTW Lite
A mouse that’s either resourceful or a kleptomaniac (in that Bill Exner thinks the little guy swiped his dentures) . . . . . A Georgia high school sports team hazes a younger player (including giving him a sort of turbo-wedgie), which is not very interesting any more, except that this would be the school’s golf team . . . . . From the Boonville, N.Y., Mercer’s Ice Cream shop come three new flavors: port, zinfandel, and chardonnay (each with 5 percent alcohol).

NOTW, The Blog
2Good2BTrue: (1) Here’s a Chinese guy with neck tumors and apparently no defensiveness about how he looks. Good for him. If he’s a real person. (And even if he’s real, this story may not be in current distribution.) (2) The website of the weekly Dunfermline Press of Scotland looks real, with very real local news stories (and by "real," I mean "mundane," except for this one about Stewart Laidlaw getting permanently banished from Thirsty Kirsty’s bar because he is a notorious fartteur (thus apparently angering smokers who can no longer light up in the bar because, supposedly, the odor of burning tobacco is offensive). Could be true.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Saturday’s Drip
Official policy for illegal aliens is 5 free arrests / Seattle’s articulate (yet chronic) public masturbator / The Kentucky lawyers busy re-defining "greedy" / And someone has a job that pays $1

Civilization in Decline
Found in the Justice Dept’s document dump this week in Gonzalezgate: guidelines on when to prosecute illegals caught in the Southwest (and the answer is, not before their 6th arrest) . . . . . A genuine Internet suicide in England, with the guy checking in to an insult chat room on his webcam, absorbing dozens of dares and catcalls, and then finally yielding to the wisdom of the crowd and permanently logging out . . . . . An Australian appeals court ruled, as a matter of law, that if a woman consents to fellatio, she has consented to the whole schmeer.

The Human Condition Today
Say hello to William Gallion, Shirley Cunningham Jr., and Melbourne Mills Jr., of Kentucky, who might be the only three personal-injury lawyers in the country who don’t think there’s enough money to be made the old-fashioned way from phen-fen lawsuits . . . . . UFO’s in the News: (1) Former Arizona Gov. Fife Symington, who lampooned a 1997 UFO incident in Phoenix that occurred during his term, told an interviewer that, well, it might have been real; (2) France’s space agency uploaded 1,600 UFO incident reports (supposedly everything it has from the last 50 yrs*), and said almost 400 are, er, not yet explained. [* or was it everything? . . they always say that . .] . . . . . From Seattle Weekly: "No matter how dismal the future of print media may look, what with the ascension of the all-powerful Internet, it’s comforting to know that newspapers will always have at least one loyal demographic: bus masturbators" [Ed. like, on their lap, get it?] [Anyhow, that was the Weekly’s lede sentence of a report on Michael Williamson, an articulate member of what he says is the Seattle exhibitionist underground]

NOTW Lite
According to a police blotter report, there’s a company in Asheville, N.C., with an employee who made $1 [scroll down] . . . . . A chain of cut-rate brothels in southern California apparently tells customers to use Saran Wrap instead of condoms . . . . . Dale "Dale the Innocent" Hausner, jailed as one of the two accused random shooters terrorizing the Phoenix area, drew even more attention to himself by calling up the local East Valley Tribune and asking for a discount subscription (since frightened residents had bought so many newspapers while the two were loose) . . . . . Professional ho' wrangler Matthew Thompkins was sentenced to 23 yrs in prison (He's the owner of two trophies inscribed "Pimp of the Year," which police found when they arrested him in December 2005.)

Updates
Yesterday’s update on Ms. Wu Ping, the lone resident holding out against the already-progressing re-development of her block, was trumped by BoingBoing.net, which has a "Cavalcade of Homeowner Holdouts," with photos galore.
Never Mind: The Honley Church school in England (that had so Muslim-sensitively replaced a play’s three little pigs characters with three little puppies, NOTW Daily, 3-16-2007), changed its mind.

NOTW, The Blog
Yr Editor doesn’t understand that mathematics proof for "Lie group E8" [NOTW Daily, 3-22-2007], and I never, ever will [just like I never, ever will understand what it’s like to have sex with Daryl Hannah], but NOTW Daily reader John Armstrong does, here [er, the math thing; I don’t know about Daryl Hannah].
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Friday’s Drip
"Not my fault" that I was six times over the blood-alcohol limit / The dentist who uses tools off the tray to clean his ears / Age 7 and 254 lbs. / And the year without toilet paper

Civilization in Decline
Sleep disorders are still striving for a cachet, as an American Airlines pilot who showed up for duty in Manchester, England, with 6 times the car-driver blood-alcohol max was acquitted by a jury after he swore the whiskey bottle was that full when he went to sleep but only this full when he woke up . . . . . The alpha priest of Santeria in Dallas-Ft. Worth rejected the town of Euless’s compromise (OK to sacrifice chickens but not goats), in that it’s only the blood-energy of a four-legged animal that most clearly opens up communication with the spirits . . . . . One Quran-centric German judge turned down a Moroccan-German woman’s request for a quick divorce, to stop her M-G husband from beating her, because of that verse that lets hubby avenge his honor if the wife is cuttin’ up . . . . . And cute Knut the polar bear cub is still alive in Berlin Zoo despite calls for his execution from, er, wildlife activists, who have been enthusiastically informing us that Knut really prefers death to being raised in captivity.

The Human Condition Today
Police in Kyoto, Japan, arrested a man who was ticked off that a new highrise was blocking his sunlight and who had maybe wanted to open up some see-through space, one bullet hole at a time . . . . . North Carolina Social Services is threatening to confiscate Joyce Painter’s 7-yr-old son Justin (if they can lift his 254-lb. keister), even though she swears that doctors she’s consulted are baffled . . . . . Wal-Mart tried to shoo a fretting Margaret Trask out of its Beaufort, S.C., store after she plunked down over $1,000 of her own money to buy up (and then destroy) voluntary-recall pet food so that others wouldn’t mistakenly buy it . . . . . British dentist Alan Hutchinson looks ripe for de-licensing, what with all the complaints of lack of hygiene, e.g., puts tools back in service without sterilizing, including the ones he uses to clean his nails and ears . . . . . Artist Christopher Goodwin of Washington, D.C., is the ideal dump truck driver for Junk in the Trunk refuse removal, said the owner, in that he "actually enjoys hauling away trash because he knows he might get some cool stuff" to sell in his trash-vending machines.

Your Daily Losers
Police raided suspected amateur counterfeiters’ trailer home in Damascus, Va., ["amateur" in the sense that their $20's didn’t even fool a store clerk in the mountain town of Damascus, population 980]. Valerie Lester was casually knitting, feigning ignorance of the smoke that was poring from underneath the mattress she was sitting on (representing a hurried attempt to burn some of the money).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
It was Connecticut’s Malcolm Maker yesterday (in a ladies’ room at the Mohegan Sun casino), but today it’s Connecticut’s Steven Thibodeau, 25, who allegedly made in-shower videos of his female roommate by rigging a shampoo bottle with a camera (but was too cheap to go wireless, I mean, come on!).

Update
The Chinese guy I mentioned (with photo) [NOTW Daily, 3-12-2007] who was the last property-owner holdout to a developer is now a big deal in Chongqing, and what’s more, it’s actually a woman, Wu Ping. The other 280 residents have gone, and it looks like Wu can only access her property by helicopter.

NOTW Lite
Two NYC yuppie writers set out on a "no impact" year (locally grown food, stairs only, zero carbon footprint, etc.) but that part about air-drying your TP-less butt every time is a challenge . . . . . The first hip transplant for a NY kitty cat, using an implant the width of a matchstick (and that’ll be $3,500, please) . . . . . And behold the bdelloid rotifer, only a little larger than a human sperm, but Imperial College London researchers say the little thingy still does offspring, despite not having had sex for, er, 100 million yrs.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Thursday’s Drip
Walter Reed Army hospital may have mold, but an Oregon VA clinic has bats / Hey, tourists, Florida will soon have enough toilet paper / Another public health official tells petrified, pee-in-pants patients that the risk is "low" / And Yr Editor’s rough Wednesday, uh, accuracywise.

Civilization in Decline
More woes for wounded veterans: Now it’s a VA report disclosing about 1,000 routine maintenance problems system-wide, plus about 100 serious ones, including a clinic in White City, Ore., with roof leaks and a large colony of bats . . . . . Pennsylvania enforced its underage-drinking law that requires a 90-day suspension of driving privileges, with the only hitch being that this guy’s violation, at age 14, was in 1988, and the suspension was ordered, out of the blue, this yr (though after a TV action-line howl, it was canceled) . . . . . A hospital in Vegreville, Alberta, was put on restrictions after an audit turned up "flesh and blood left on tools and inside scopes," but a province health official said as they always do, "We believe the risk is very low" . . . . . The leading "prosperity ministry" in Brazil has taken a shot, in that its Pentecostal pastors, Estevam and Sonia Hernandes, were recently arrested in Miami for smuggling money into the country, including inside a Bible . . . . . Three Indiana middle-school kids who co-produced a "movie" of bears attacking a teacher (who Dan Clevenger though was obviously him) and who were subsequently suspended, landed a $69k contract—uh, well, it was actually a $69k settlement from the school for its hastiness to punish them . . . . . A Florida state senator thinks there’s a real problem with restaurants not having enough toilet paper on hand for patrons, hence, S.B. 1462 [scroll down].

The Human Condition Today
Oh, my, now it’s the Christian residents of a Russian village, who refuse to pick up their pension checks until the gov’t stops bar-coding them, in that the bar codes might contain three 6's . . . . . A very, very tired NOTW genre (the obsessive wannabe-cop who makes a traffic stop) got some extra life in Boca Raton, Fla., because, uh, the male fake-cop is really a female, and that came as a big surprise to the female companion riding with the fake-cop, and the fake cop is the granddaughter of a co-founder of NASCAR . . . . . Another No Longer Weird story, but with a twist: Maureen McLaughlin took in cats for rescue but was just charged with drowning 650 of them with the best explanation being that she was really, really dissatisfied with the local (Columbus, Ohio) pet-adoption procedures (Bonus: mugshot).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Malcolm Maker, 48, was arrested for hiding out in a ladies’ room at the Mohegan Sun casino in Connecticut, having reportedly ripped the tampon-disposal rack off of a wall so he could peer into the adjacent stall.

NOTW Lite
Yr Editor strongly supports the quest for knowledge and so couldn’t be prouder of the team, led by Jeffrey Adams of the Univ. of Maryland, who solved the "Lie group E8" mathematics puzzle, which took four yrs, involved 60x as much data as the Human Genome Project, would have papered over NY’s Manhattan island if the proof had been written out in longhand (but took up as many computer GB’s as 45 days of continuous MP3 music). What is it, exactly? The team says you’d never understand it; that many mathematicians don’t understand it; and besides, it has no practical application that they know of. Great job, fellas. Damn proud of ya! (But the story includes a visual.)

NOTW, The Blog
Yesterday was one of Yr Editor’s worst days, accuracywise. What went wrong? (1) The anti-rape condom is not a male condom; it’s worn by the female so that when the rapist does his thing, he’s automatically in big trouble. [I have written about that three times in the past. Why did I completely ignore my previously correct understanding? This is evidence that I have about two more years left before I start appearing in News of the Weird.] (2) The lawyer Alan Burkitt (who pimped out the 52-IQ girlfriend) is probably not a lawyer but just a minor local official. (3) The poor bureaucrat who re-formatted the hard drive and lost all the oil-benefits-distribution records actually also reformatted the first-option backup drive, too, and then discovered that the tape backup was corrupted, meaning it was actually plan-d that the state was left with. (4) Even more important than the Chinese celebrants’ leaving paper images of Viagra at the cemetery so their deceased relatives can have better sex in the afterlife is the fact that they left paper images of condoms, too . . ..
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wednesday’s Drip
Do Chinese live better dead than they lived alive? / Yep, people do mistakenly reformat the hard drive / There are underground people in Bozeman, Montana / And once again with that "anti-rape" condom

Civilization in Decline
At China’s annual Tombsweeping Festival, where relatives burn fake money at cemeteries so that the dead will have prosperous afterlives, they’ve started to burn paper depictions of, er, Viagra . . . . . A county zoning board in Ireland turned down a property owner’s request to build three large windows in his house because it’s adjacent to a livestock field, and the windows might, to pent-up cows, resemble escape routes. (Seriously)

The Human Condition Today
Three former subordinates (females) sued NYC welfare office supervisor Serena "Hurricane" Reaves-Cain for alleged workplace fondling, kissing, and spanking . . . . . More kudos for our nation of critical thinkers: The "natural mineral water" of the Saratoga (N.Y.) Spa State Park has, for the past 20 yrs, been mixed with tap water, but, of course, there’s never been a complaint . . . . . A couple things wrong with British lawyer Alan Burkitt: He has had a girlfriend for about 8 yrs who has an IQ of 52, and now he’s been sentenced (no jail time) for pimping her out to pay the mortgage (and, in a sense of fairness, pimping himself out, too, but "There was little interest in him," said his lawyer) . . . . . A computer technician re-formatting a disk drive at the Alaska Dept. of Revenue wiped out the applicant records for the state’s program for distributing oil revenue to residents (and then discovered the plan-b backup [tape] was corrupted and now must rely on plan-c, which is 300 boxes of paper records) . . . . . Bozeman, Mont., police report: "A woman living on Springhill Lake reported strange noises coming from underneath her house . . being made by people from the "underworld" . . to get her to leave. She then said that her house had at one time been replaced by another house in the middle of the night and her original house was being stored in an undisclosed location" (and so on).

Your Daily Losers
Three guys driving across the Triborough Bridge in NY with 110 packets of cocaine on ‘em and, er, No, I didn’t bring any money for the toll, Did you, No, Did you, Well, no . . ..

Update
South African inventor Sonnet Ehlers’s anti-rape condom [NOTW 908, 7-3-2005] (which, if you can get the rapist to put it on [CORRECTION: see below], quickly morphs on the inside into an unremovable sheath that, er, pricks the wearer painfully until he can find a surgeon to remove it) has finally survived the patent process and is ready to go. [Ed.: Having written about this 3 times in the past, it pains me that I momentarily forgot that this is a "female condom," meaning the woman wears it, and when the rapist strikes, he's done for.]

NOTW Lite
A cop in Mims, Fla., saved Gregory Renfroe’s life: He found Renfroe atop a power pole, standing on his recently-disconnected line (overdue bill), attempting to reconnect (and apparently minutes away from having himself lit up).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

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Tuesday’s Drip
When a Catholic Cardinal spins, is it a sin? / Naomi Campbell, the fashionable urban janitor / There are Jews in Montana? / And what he did with the toilet brush was not specified

Civilization in Decline
Court papers released in the Los Angeles Archdiocese molestation cases yesterday raise an interesting question for Yr Editor: Which would you think would (if the world worked as it should) be more credible: a Catholic Cardinal or a Catholic Cardinal’s, uh, lawyer? At a time when the molestee-plaintiff families need straight talk, it’s the lawyer spinning all the partial-truth spins and ignore-that/emphasize-this spins for Cardinal Mahony. And the released papers show that Mahony himself might have, er, born false witness about the Archdiocese’s knowledge of the wayward priest Lynn Caffoe and continued to stonewall on that false witness for about 4 yrs afterward, even going to the U.S. Supremes to get them to allow him to keep stonewalling.

GAO revealed that "thousands" of doctors and health professionals continue to be routinely reimbursed by Medicare despite their being a combined $1.3B delinquent in paying their federal income and payroll taxes (i.e., tax on money they’ve already had in their pockets) . . . . . Another one of those $25k/each gourmet dinners like the one in Bangkok [NOTW 996, 3-11-2007], this one scheduled for 12-12-2008 in Egypt in front of the Pyramids of Giza, but smarting from criticism of the earlier one, the organizer’s trying to ticket it at under $10k . . . . . A NY Times investigation of the Shriners showed their reputation as a charity is way overblown: most fund-raising goes to partying; 2 percent of its hospitals’ operating expenses come from current donations; there’s much outright fraud or at least unaccounted-for bookkeeping . . . . . Your latest Gospel of Affluence success story: Pastor Ben Gibert and his old lady/pastor Charisse, who just moved into a $3.65m mansion in a swanky Detroit ‘burb (The Detroit News found a few people who were onto them, but apparently most people aren’t!)

The Human Condition Today
Naomi Campbell showed up for her community-service sentence at the city Sanitation Dept. in NY, wearing stilettos, which one can only assume were for stabbing paper on the grass, to drop into the trash bag . . . . . Too many Jews in New York for Hasidic rabbi Chaim Bruk so he grabbed his non-cowboy hat and moved where his services were needed: Bozeman, Montana! (1,500 in the state) . . . . . Car-buyer rage: When he didn’t get the asked-for $7k for his broken-down trade-in, he grabbed a pry bar, a sledgehammer, and a sword and tried to commandeer the new car, anyway.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Ottawa shrink Juan Ernesto Tejeda Rosario gave up his license (and still faces criminal charges) after allegations that he diddled two male patients (and extended the foreplay to include a whip, a rope on the genitals, and a, uh, toilet brush).

NOTW Lite
The power of the press: A newspaper carrier survives a bad wreck because the stack of papers in the front seat acted as a buffer . . . . . Chinese villagers get fed up with this good-gov’t thing and demand a return to the system of bribing the voters . . . . . He served 18 yrs for a rape he didn’t commit, was paid $400k by the state in guilt money, and now has just blown that wad on his defense for a subsequent murder (result: didn’t help).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Monday’s Drip
Talk about an obnoxious seat mate on a long airline flight! / Death row is "the calmest place I’ve ever been" / The real reason why so many female teachers rob the cradle / And the diamond-encrusted toilet paper dispenser

Civilization in Decline
British Airways first-class passenger Paul Trinder (Delhi to England ticket, equivalent of $3,900) thought he had a vacant seat next to him for the 9-hr flight, but a lady died in coach, and became Trinder’s seat mate, and all BA had to say was, hey, "Get over it" . . . . . Apparently-Unforeseen Problem at a museum in Takayama, Japan: Gee, if you display a $1.7m gold bar out in the open for patrons to touch, sooner or later, someone might actually try to steal it . . . . . The head teacher at Bramhall High School in Greater Manchester, England, requires ties for the boys but only clip-ons, because he fears the big buggers can’t handle knotted ties safely.

The Human Condition Today
Kristopher Lind drank 10 beers and a double cocktail but for some reason still somehow thought it was better to tell the cop that the reason his car was weaving was he was trying to open a sex vibrator (and battery it up) while driving . . . . . Revealed! Why so many female school teachers hook up with their male students (key phrase: "28 . . times during . . weeklong affair") . . . . . Death row inmate Paul John Fitzpatrick was re-convicted after a new trial and now requests death row again because the general prison population is too annoying: "It’s just a hell of a lot easier doing time with murderers than it is with fools. . . I probably found the most peace I’ve ever had in my whole life on death row. It’s the calmest place I’ve ever been."

NOTW Lite
A $132k toilet-paper dispenser (well, it comes with 148 diamonds and a roll-a-day of black TP as long as the buyer is still alive and excreting) . . . . . Pigs, being "excellent proxies of human movement [geographical, not bowel]," tell a British researcher that South Pacific settlers originally came from Vietnam, not Taiwan . . . . . Exceptionally bad plastic surgery: bad tummy tuck, missing nipple and belly button, and "gross distortion of the pubic area" . . . . . The Polish mountaintop village of Koniakow, long known for its intricately woven lace doilies, has turned reluctantly to bras and panties to pay the bills.

NOTW, The Blog
My doubting note about toothbrush-swallowing [NOTW Daily, 3-15-2007] brought a sobering note from reader Patton Browne: "I am a medical transcriptionist who does radiology reports, and in the past three years I have done at least three or four reports showing a toothbrush stuck in a throat. . . . It really happens." [Yr Editor is still inclined to say, If you swallow a toothbrush, it’s because you want to.]
Here’s another thing floating around the Internet these days but which I can’t use because it’s too old (i.e., weird, but not "news" of the weird): a medical journal article about, uh, "supernumerary breast tissue" being sort of not along the milk line, but, on, uh, the sole of her foot. (Hey, it’s a medical journal.)
Erroror: In the current NOTW column, St. Clairsville, W.Va., is really St. Clairsville, Ohio (one of those close-to-the-border towns that a West Virginia newspaper covers as local) (and which a surprisingly large number of NOTW readers know about!).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Saturday’s Drip
Beware, the flying bowling ball / Those North Carolina castrators, back in the news / No sofas on the beach / And George Brett’s genitalia

The Human Condition Today
Just Can’t Stop Himself: Perhaps inspired by Alberto Gonzalez ("I would never, ever make a change [in U.S. Attorneys] for political reasons" [emphasis added]), Pete Rose said Wednesday night that he bet on his team every game (as opposed to first never betting on baseball, and then betting on baseball but never on his own team, and then betting on his own team but not when Bill Gullickson or Mario Soto started) . . . . . An inquest concluded that British fine-art painter Caroline Eldridge, 38, had taken The Only Way Out last yr because she got too caught up in that Da Vinci Code plot thing . . . . . Ruth Parks, voted out as recorder-treasurer in an Arkansas town, was turned down on her federal appeal (it appearing not to have been a conspiracy but that her constituents were individually displeased at her heavy involvement with extraterrestrials).

Your Daily Loser
A bunch of upper-teens that were partying in Thatcher, Utah, decided to shake the town’s decorative flagpole (located in a private park), ultimately dislodging the bowling ball on top that represented a "crown," and the ball happened to land on Elise Fredericksen’s head. She survived. The park’s creator wants his bowling ball back.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
That western North Carolina castration cell (in the town of Waynesville!) that made the news last yr [NOTW Daily, 4-1-2006] got their sentences: minor jail time (since the surgeries were benevolent removals).

NOTW Lite
It says here that some coca farmers in Bolivia are starting to fight to rehabilitate the plant’s reputation, and are now demanding that Coca-Cola change its name . . . . . The F State gets inhospitable: Cocoa Beach bans sofas on the beach . . . . . Anthony Perone, 20, is off the street now after having been stalking a woman who broke his heart in the 3rd grade, and it appears the cops wouldn’t yet have gotten probable cause had his mom not happened to see one of the stalking notes that was already sealed and ready to mail, and so helpfully added Anthony’s return address to the envelope.

NOTW, The Blog
Sounds Like a Joke: In a generally helpful article [link via BoingBoing.net], Online Journalism Review tipped web designers with results of "hot spots" testing, i.e., noticing exactly where readers’ eyes go when they look at a web page. The authors’ main point seemed to be, Don’t use mindless graphics because readers sense immediately which (or whether) graphics are important. Buried lede: On a full-length photo of baseball star George Brett in the batter’s box, women focused only on Brett’s face, but men went equally for his face and his crotch. As if to show that wasn’t a fluke, men reacted the same to a picture of a dog.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Friday’s Drip
Baptist Big concludes that God made a huge mistake (about gays and lesbians) / The Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Dogs / Chess-boy nerd lands himself a stripper / and a NOTW Daily Erroror

Civilization in Decline
Pastor Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, said Christians should prepare for the day when science proves that homosexuality is biologically wired (he doesn’t think it’s there yet) and begin thinking of "solutions," e.g., prenatal hormone therapy to flip those little God-created sinners while they’re still in the womb . . . . . Students ages 7 through 11 at the Honley Church of England Junior School (Huddersfield, West Yorkshire) will perform later this year the classic children’s tale of the big, bad wolf and the three little p—uh, puppies—which head teacher Gill Goodswen thinks will better encourage Muslim pupils to sing along, too (though a spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain basically just shook his head in a daze).

The Human Condition Today
Must be something about Trenton, N.J., which is where at least four "diplomats" from Abannaki Indigenous Nation (that includes Earthlings, Martians, and Venusians) have chosen to reside (and break the law) . . . . . They’re not to be confused with Ms. Samara Spann, who belongs to a Tupac Shakur cult and who pleaded guilty to drowning her daughter in a bathtub and cutting her head off.

Your Daily Loser
Maria Daniels was arrested in a Cincinnati suburb and charged with setting up her four kids with 70 aliases just so they could scam 21 local libraries out of 837 DVD’s that she resold. On the other hand, she’s a raving beauty!

NOTW Lite
Chess is such a lonely endeavor: South American champion Emilio Cordova, 15, broke away from his handlers after winning the title in Argentina and headed for Sao Paulo, where he has hooked up with a 29-yr-old stripper . . . . . CPR has been found to be more effective if you skip the mouth-to-mouth crap and just pump the chest (which is a good thing because the main finding was that almost nobody wants to lock lips, anyway) . . . . . This week’s big story in Kansas City: A judge ruled that Cindy Garcia did not defraud her ex-fiancĂ© Ferris Griggs, i.e., that Ferris knew full well when he was having all that great pre-marital sex with Cindy that she was really a man, and thus that their jointly-owned house has to be split 50-50.

NOTW, The Blog
Erroror: In yesterday’s top story (and thanks to several people who were more alert when they read it than I was when I wrote it), the three wrongly-convicted inmates don’t have to pay for 25 percent of their room and board expenses over the combined 47 yrs of wrongful incarceration; they only have to pay back 25 percent of the gov't's guilt-payout to them for their wrongful incarceration (again, on the ground that the gov’t was providing "essential" services to them that they’d incur even if they had not been in prison) (which is still messed up, of course).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Thursday’s Drip
Wrongly imprisoned, and now the warden wants ‘em to repay the meal money / Outsized performers: collector of 3,977 panties and the 13-year-old, 128-felony boy / The unicorn that wasn’t / And Tonya Harding!

"Wrongly imprisoned" means different things to different people. To the three Brits locked up for a total of 47 yrs before police and prosecutors realized they had the wrong men, it means freedom and a daily struggle not to be overcome with bitterness. To the crown, it means, er, nothing, in that, We've been feeding you, You've got to pay us back. A high, high appeals court just ruled that the three must pay the gov’t 25 percent of their prison room-and-board expenses (on the ground that 25 percent represents "necessities" that the men would have incurred, even if they had been free). [CORRECTION: They must pay back 25 percent of the gov't's compensation award to them for the wrongful conviction.]

Civilization in Decline
Prosecutors in Jakarta demand two yrs in the slammer for the publisher of the way-sanitized Indonesian version of Playboy, but 100 Muslim protesters demand a hanging . . . . . This would never happen if the tenant had a lawyer: A nurse-tenant up against her elderly, sickly landlord in court stops mid-speech to give mouth-to-mouth when the landlord falls down gasping . . . . . The continued Minneapolis accommodation to Muslims: Bacon purchasers go self-serve when a Target checkout cashier declines to touch it . . . . . . . . . . The Army Corps of Engineers admits that it gave N’Awlins residents a placebo last yr and that those poor, weary suckers fell for it (helped out by a light hurricane season): The 34 new, shiny, heavy-duty pumps ACE installed to meet a 6-1-2006 deadline, in case of another Katrina, actually didn’t work, and ACE knew they didn’t work.

The Human Condition Today
The prolific, meticulous Mr. Shigeo Kodama, 54, caught in Hiroshima with 3,977 panties and 355 bras . . . . . The Nelsonville, Ohio, child prodigy, age 13, charged (as a juvy) with 128 felonies (burglary, theft, vandalism, witness intimidation).

Your Daily Loser
The severely judgment-challenged Christy Drakeford, 26, a teacher at Evan Harlow Elementary in Harrodsburg, Ky., finally confessed that the two small kids locked in the car that had been parked in the school lot for 7 hours while she taught were hers, meaning day-care had been somehow totally out of the question.

NOTW Lite
Spanish matador Fernando Cruz, gored in (a) a femoral artery and (b) both testicles, plans on being out of action, er, three weeks . . . . . Tonya Harding was escorted by police "back to her trailer" after a prescription-drug event that had her seeing animals, etc., that weren’t there . . . . . A whorehouse in Cologne, Germany, introduced an early-bird special (half-price), for men 66-and-older to enjoy an "[after]nooner."

NOTW, The Blog
Someone else swallowed a toothbrush, supposedly, although at least this wasn’t somebody just brushing too deep, as the classics go (a couple of which Yr Editor has posted over the years) (and which Yr Editor has always regarded as among the weirrrrdest genres of 'em all). This was a Hong Kong gal running-while-brushing, tripping, and ramming her throat over the thing.
For a while yesterday, it looked like a DUI driver in Montana was claiming that a unicorn, not he, was driving his car. But then the Billings prosecutor calmed everyone down, saying that some in his office refer to implausible denials in cases like that as the "unicorn defense" and that the perp didn’t actually specify "unicorn." In Yr Editor’s Washington, D.C., criminal-defense experience, it wasn’t a unicorn but "a guy from Cleveland," and that drugs "floated down from the sky" (because my client swears he has no idea how they got in his pocket).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Wednesday’s Drip
Lose your cherry—Deal or No Deal? / stuck to the roof "like a beetle on its back" / Drop that joystick now, you maggot! / "I’m glad I’m not him"

Civilization in Decline
U.S. TV producers are now packaging "Virgin Territory" (for, they say, Spike or Fox), where a bunch of lifelong solo-artist males live together and must resist giving in to temptresses, with the "winner" entitled to a grand freebie . . . . . Merck lost a Vioxx lawsuit in Atlantic City, bringing its record now to 9 wins, 5 losses [which, as a way of deciding serious public policy, reminds Yr Editor of deciding something by coin toss, and then the loser says, OK, best of 3, and then, OK, OK, best of 5, and so on, and so on] . . . . . Massachusetts realizes that its "Department of Mental Retardation" is misnamed, since it actually helps people with illnesses and provides no support at all for the state’s many, many people who are just plain stupid . . . . . The Houston Federation of Teachers, who of course insist that they are never in it for themselves but only looking out for their students, demanded that an erroneous school bookkeeping payout of $75k be kept by the teachers (hey, your mistake, not ours) and not returned to the needy school district . . . . . A report from China’s successful boot-camp-type retreat for Internet game/porn addicts, with a part-counseling, part-military mindset.

The Human Condition Today
According to the prosecutor, Melanie McGuire knew she wanted her husband dead, but she didn’t understand that her computer activity could be traced (e.g., her search of "how to commit murder" and her use of Walgreens.com to find the nearest store where she could buy the chloral hydrate) . . . . . Amy Berner brought her 6-month-old car in for an oil change but didn’t leave until she had leased a brand-new car, and it was all because of that pesky bipolar disorder . . . . . Two guys burglarized a Troutdale, Ore., municipal building and made off with tools, including 2-way radios, but then just had to play on them (and arrange a meeting at the Plaid Pantry for a beer, where the police, who monitor said 2-way frequency, were waiting).

Your Daily Loser
The California Highway Patrol found a truck on a freeway ramp in Ontario, Calif., with the engine warm and $3m worth of marijuana in it. They guessed the engine overheated, and the driver might have panicked. A CHP spokesman said they don’t know who the driver was but that somebody certainly knows. Said the spokesman, "I’m glad I’m not him."

NOTW Lite
From Reuters: "A 91-yr-old German sparked a rescue operation when he slipped mending his roof and got stuck fast in tar 'like a beetle on its back,' police said on Tuesday" . . . . . The Minneapolis bank robber with a most casual getaway: hit bank, then liquor-store errand, then grab a sandwich, finally hop a bus home (and, yeah, he made it) . . . . . And beware Florida "doctor" Marc Goulet, but also beware anyone who agreed to be "treated" by someone who looks like that [Oh, but isn’t that Dr. Koop’s kinda-demented idea about facial hair?]

Updates
The Pentagon wants those Native Americans who help the U.S. Border Patrol track down smugglers and traffickers from Mexico (the Shadow Wolves) [NOTW Daily, 2-3-2007] to help them trace Osama bin Laden in Tajikistan. [I know, but Pakistan won’t let ‘em in, plus, it’s dangerous, and besides, the Pentagon thinks OBL has been to Tajikistan.]
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Tuesday’s Drip
The "ghost" airline flight to make Al Gore cringe / 56 fire-proof NY school principals / Almost $3B to medicate America’s pets / Mr. Ricky Lackey, inseminator supreme

Civilization in Decline
Tennessee’s bureaucracy is such that an arbitrator ordered it to pay a wronged Highway Patrolman $185 within 30 days, and they tarried, and now, 4 months later, a judge said that’ll be $12k, please . . . . . British Mediterranean Airways was busted for running empty round-trip flights daily since October from Heathrow to Cardiff just to preserve its valuable Heathrow landing slot (at 5 tons of CO2 per) . . . . . New York City Schools Chancellor Joel Klein has a list of 56 principals and ass’t principals that all schools in the city refuse to hire but for whom, by union contract, he has to make work for at their highest salaries . . . . . Once again, DNA trumps not one, but two eyewitnesses, who were absolutely certain that Cody Davis (sentenced to 3 yrs) was the robber . . . . . The U.S.’s Iraq thingie is bad enough on the surface, but when you start probing the underbelly of bureaucratic relations between Washington and its embassy in Baghdad, as the Washington Post did, the head-shaking gets worse . . . . . $2.9B in pet medications bought by Americans in 2005 (for cancer, arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, allergies, dementia, and, coming soon, obesity).

The Human Condition
In Billings, Mont., Tera Stricker-Lopez, 26, just given probation in lieu of a 15-yr sentence for embezzling from her employer, found another job quickly and now has been arrested for embezzling from that company.
The extremely fatherhood-oriented Ricky Lackey (about to be sentenced for attempted theft) told the judge had repaid the money, and besides, he had, er, six kids on the way. The female judge tried to guess: "Are you marrying a woman with six kids?" "No," said Lackey. "I be concubining."
One of your more shameless, psychotic serial killers of all time, Arthur Shawcross, who now resides in a cage in upstate New York, has written London’s The Mirror for help in locating an Irish native gal on whom he has developed a crush. (He’s up for release around the year 2235, give or take.)

Your Daily Loser
Larenzo Dixon, on the lam from a murder charge in Louisiana, got picked up near San Diego when he, er, jaywalked. (Well, he got caught jaywalking and then gave the cop his alleged "rap name" but then signed the citation with his real name.)

NOTW Lite
Britain’s Channel 4 blasts Prince Charles as "unfit" to be king, to which Charles quickly (and regally) responded, Am not! . . . . . An all-time great lede in the Chicago Sun-Times: "Carrying his cat and expecting sex, an Alaskan civil engineer got off a flight from Turkey . . .." . . . . . In the dog-crossbreeding community, it’s called a bullshiht (bulldog-shihtzu) (but the hero of The Guardian’s story is Endal the wonder dog [scroll down and see what he can do!]) . . . . . And here’s TheSmokingGun.com’s latest treasured mugshots (2 of Miss Anna Clifford, 25, an alleged Memphis DUI).
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Monday’s Drip
The company whose CEO took a net "loss" to work there last yr / Iraqi pilgrims imitate British redcoats / Rosie O’Donnell . . . "hanging" . . . upside down? . . . on purpose? / 4 men’s Waffle House tab: $100?

Civilization in Decline
What a guy! CEO Ian Cockwell of builder Brookfield Homes actually "made" a negative $2.3m last yr, but that’s just the way Securities and Exchange Comm’n rules want the numbers reported on his actual salary and bonuses of nearly $8m [NY Times $$$] . . . . . Uncloseted pedophile Lindsay Ashford publicized his personal 2008 Presidential selections, based solely on daughters’ or granddaughters’ cuteness (in the finals, Obama beats Santorum) . . . . . An Army recruitment commission sniffed that 73 percent of young Americans aren’t good enough (morally, intellectually, physically) to serve in the Army, anyway . . . . . More Shiite pilgrims marching in line for holy celebration (this weekend, in Karbala) conjure up images of British redcoats, making it oh-so-easy for the Sunni insurgent bombers (as redcoats were for colonial American musketeers) (But, said one Karbala pilgrim: "Even if I know I’ll die, I’ll still come") . . . . . The Sunday Times of London says documents indicate that an Iraqi exile who returned to run the defense ministry briefly after the fall of Saddam made one of history’s biggest robberies: $800m in shrink-wrapped U.S. currency that Washington shipped over with no controls . . . . . Bad enough that FEMA way-overspent for Katrina-era trailers, but after-the-barn-door-closed restrictions on the never-used ones mean they can’t now be employed for 2006 and 2007 disasters (nor as medical trailers for N’awlins’s way-overstretched hospitals).

The Human Condition Today
A Buddhist temple was invaded by hostile red ants, but the monks’ options are limited because they are forbidden to be hostile back to ‘em . . . . . Famed Maryland ballistics expert Joseph Kopera, a fount of competence for 37 yrs, takes The Only Way Out because, well, he couldn’t resist continuing to testify about those college degrees he actually didn’t have.

Your Daily Loser
Trucker Scott Hewitt, 34, was convicted of manslaughter (vehicular) in Augusta, Maine, and sentenced to 30 months, and it’s not like they didn’t see this coming: Hewitt has 63 driving convictions on his record and 23 license suspensions. The license was finally revoked this time, to the basic indifference of the family who is down one member due to the state’s not doing this sooner.

NOTW Lite
When fingerprints don’t ID a dead woman, Tampa police go to plan B, checking her breast implants for a code number . . . . . Rosie O’Donnell, confessing on The View Friday, said the Columbine shootings sent her into depression and, thus, yoga and "inversion therapy" (hanging upside down "like a bat") . . . . . A commotion at a Waffle House lets a table of 4 men duck out on the tab, but cops caught ‘em, and, anyway, how did they spend nearly $100 at a Waffle House? . . . . . An animal handler, delivering "inventory" to a Petco store, had a rollover accident, and as rescuers worked, the 100-or-so rats, gerbils, hamsters, etc., crawled all over her . . . . . Two Georgians tried The Only Way Out with a circular saw because their business failed (but then, so did their suicide) . . . . . On the Tohono O’odham Nation in Sells, Ariz., Johnny Soto said his 6-yr-old son ("Tadpole") was born to him and Anna Nicole Smith (as a result of her stay at a nearby resort), and he’s supposedly got the papers to prove it . . . . . Israel recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found outside his residence there, drunk, naked "and wearing several sex toys" . . . . . There are super-stubborn people who resist developers changing their neighborhoods, and, then, there’s this guy.

Updates
Several Austin, Tex., readers added a delicious slice to last week’s story [NOTW 995, 3-4-2007] about the hesitancy of 911 to respond to a call about smoke at a bar-b-q restaurant (resulting in the place burning down): The 45-minute delay in responding was even harder to take because the closest fire station is, er, in the same block.
The Illinois judge who ostensibly permitted the out-on-bail, accused child rapist to go to Disney World [NOTW Daily, 3-9-2007], er, changed his mind.
Former Ted-Haggard-like Tulsa, Okla., pastor Lonnie Latham, last seen on these pages [NOTW Daily, 2-24-2007] proclaiming his constitutional right to invite men up to his room for sex, was acquitted of criminal charges.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Saturday’s Drip
It must be important to put human genes into rice / Uranium for sale at a Florida pawn shop / The $50,000 mattress / Man bangs cars? / And the parliamentary campaigner appealing to the Klingon community.

Civilization in Decline
"The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture has granted preliminary approval for a plan to grow genetically altered rice containing human genes that could lead to the production of medicines to fight diarrhea dehydration in infants." [from Food Business Review] But, but, but, things could go wrong, like the genes could get mixed up with other food crops out there in the Kansas winds.
The full-service Gold Mine Pawn shop in Belleview, Fla. (near Ocala) had, on the shelf, an official lead canister of uranium yellowcake (1 oz.) [LINK CORRECTED].
You mean like, Abramoff Cigarettes?: A Chinese pharmaceutical company applied (unsuccessfully) to name a rat poison after a former gov’t official under investigation for massive corruption.

The Human Condition Today
A German man who was formerly madly in love with the woman who co-owns his marital summer house now is so angry at her that he took a chainsaw to it and hauled away his half . . . . . Life imitates art imitating life: A pre-trial bailee (child-sex) illegally removed his ankle monitor so he could be on Jerry Springer to proudly proclaim his marriage to his half-sister . . . . . A high Opus Dei official acknowledges that he sometimes wears a cilice, which is now a spiked chain wrapped around his legs, to bring the pain when he needs to focus . . . . . For the consumer who for some reason really, really, really wants a good night’s sleep, a mattress that’ll run you $49,500 (until April, when it goes to $59, 750).

Your Daily Loser
The weekly Lisa Marie Nowak Forlorn Mugshot award goes to Ms. Melanie Kay Montoya of Colorado, charged with robbing an elderly mute man.

NOTW Lite
Researchers are on the job: (1) Cuckoos and cowbirds first trick other birds into hatching their eggs, and if there's any objection to that, somebody’s gonna get messed up, (2) Human genital lice originally came from [uh-oh] gorillas . . . . . No Longer Weird, but—this burglar accidentally dropped probation papers at the scene . . . . . A cheerful appeal by a Finnish member of Parliament, Jyrki Kasvi, by posting a parallel campaign website in Klingon . . . . . A stolen, $25k diamond was recovered from a jailhouse shower drain, perhaps dropped there by the perp, or perhaps it just fell out during shower room sex.

NOTW, The Blog
Beware: London’s The Sun does a full takeout on an auto mechanic they say is Chris Richard, 38, who enjoys (1) having sexual intercourse with cars (e.g., in the tailpipe) and (2) calling attention to himself by posing for The Sun. It’s pretty thorough story-telling, but lacks any bona fides that reputable reporters and editors would have included, such as an interview with anyone who could corroborate "Richard"’s story, or interviews with his customers or co-workers (like, y’know, ever see semen on his cars?). A UK site that’s pretty explicitly satirical (Anorak.co.uk) also ran a piece on "Chris Richard." Anyway, Yr Editor is much too busy to get to the bottom of this, but don’t go around assuming that just because men will nail anything, that they’ll actually nail anything, and surely don’t assume that just because men will brag about anything, that they’ll actually brag about anything.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2007 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.