Friday, January 11, 2008

Cynic’s Fantasy: Hand out gov’t claim forms and ask people to write down how much money they think the gov’t has to give them to make them happy. Katrina victims have been doing that (489,000 of them, and counting), and 247 have asked for $1B or more, one for $6 trillion, one for $3 "quadrillion" (The US gross nat’l product for 2006 was $12 trillion).

Civilization in Decline
The FBI’s inspector general revealed that some local offices’ phone service had been cut off for overdue bills, causing some wiretap evidence to disappear (including at least one FISA national security tap) . . . . . British "artist" Jordan McKenzie’s latest, er, effusion: a bunch of works that he’s had "happy endings" on, right there on the canvas, and then sprinkled carbon on top, but a Catholic Church spokesman is on the case: "The extraordinary thing is that someone actually thought it was art and put it on at his gallery [Centre for Recent Drawing, in Highbury, north London]" (McKenzie: "It is a diary of my ejaculations [and] they are heartfelt and delicate") . . . . . Two days after the San Francisco tiger attack, the Houston, Tex., Zoo was reportedly still playing tug-of-war from time to time with lions, where a big slab of meat on a rope is offered, but then visitors are allowed to "playfully" pull the meat away (but the caretakers say they permit it in order to keep the animals from getting bored ("He [the alpha lion] kind of lets us know when he wants to play, and we go along with that").

The Human Condition Today
The parents of a school board candidate in Carroll County, Md., now have their third annual restraining order against him (the dad says the son threatened to kill him so he could marry his mom) . . . . . The subway system in Seoul said they’d build more staff restrooms after an engineer with diarrhea fell to his death trying to relieve himself out of a moving train . . . . . Two little Iowa girls were apparently killed by their stepfather, who told police he was casting a spell that had gone bad (and their mother said she had respected the man’s religious beliefs but had asked that he keep them out of the house) . . . . . Recurring Themes: (1) An Idaho man in his 20's became the latest to see the Mark o’ the Beast on a body part and take the Gospel of Matthew’s advice to cut it off (Bonus: He then microwaved it, which is probably not in Matthew) (2) Edward Martin Jr, 46, put on the anarchists’ full-cleveland for a Virginia judge considering Martin’s misdemeanor traffic infractions (e.g., had no state license plate, but rather his own one, reading "Ed"; refused to give his residence, but rather, said he lives "in my body") (Bonus: Damn right, he sends his kids to public school!) . . . . . Victor Thompson, Laconia, N.H., 39, has begun the 4-step process of turning his skull into a New England Patriots helmet (logo, tattooed left side) (then right side, then Tom Brady’s "12" on his neck, then the Lombardi Super Bowl trophy tattooed on top) ("I’ve been thinking about doing this since I was 15 [since my head’s apparently not being used for anything else—no, no, Yr Editor added that]) . . . . . The Latest in Canadian Justice: In Whitehorse, Yukon, Thomas Wood pulled off a DUI defendant’s slam-dunk dream: He basically convinced a judge that he’s too cheap to have bought enough beer to give him a .13 reading (and in Saskatchewan, a drug addict has won her lawsuit against her supplier for a particularly bad batch of crystal meth that sent her into a coma).

Your Daily Loser
Josue Coronilla, 18, is the man who drunkenly drove into Bill McDonald’s yard, and CSI knows that because Josue stepped all up in McDonald’s two dogs’ caca when he made a run for it.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Michael Gass, 58, was picked up in Davie, Fla., standing there naked in some woods near a community swimming pool (Cop: "The defendant admitted to taking his clothes [off] to view the wildlife. I asked the defendant why he would need to be naked to view the wildlife and the defendant could not answer the question.") . . . . . Yr Editor is not sure how to play this game but is absolutely certain that whatever it is, it’s a bad thing: Coloradoan David Diesburg, 22, said that when he babysat a friend’s four children numerous times, he played a game called "humping tag" on at least 50 occasions.

Best Headlines: "Cross-dressing groom turns up at his own wedding in a bride’s dress and tells guests, ‘I’m a transvestite’" or maybe "Jilted lesbian rugby player killed herself after brutally beating lover who had ‘webcam affair’" or maybe even "Urinating soldier blamed for falling Fiji tourism" . . . . . Milwaukee, Wis., prosecutor Warren Zier told Judge William Sosnay that he’ll wear his ascot to court (instead of a necktie) any damned time he pleases, but Sosnay will have the last word.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
(1) turned up a driver surviving .72 blood-alcohol, which it says eclipses its previous reported high of .69. The .72 is from Oregon, where a .55 was reported in November. Yr Editor now adds Oregon to Wisconsin as the states that, rather than claiming the drunkest drivers, need to check the protocols on measuring the blood-alcohol (or the medical texts need to be rewritten, to acknowledge humans' superior sh*t-faced abilities). (2) Yr Editor takes great, what, pleasure, well, no, bewilderment, I guess, in informing you that as of the weekly column that will debut on Sunday (NOTW M040, 1-13-2008), Yr Editor will have somehow strung out this News of the Weird franchise for 20 full years ("M040" is "1,040," is 52 times 20). Unlike when I started, I am now swamped with competition, but NOTW will continue, because also unlike when I started, I now have no other abilities in life (and this one is dissipating at the rate of roughly 2 IQ points a year, allowing me to keep writing only until I do something so stupid that I appear in News of the Weird, at which point I will retire).

Newsrangers: Paul Di Filippo, Scott Langill, Ren Hayes, Marc-Oliver Wright, Debra Taylor, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Deborah Casey, Jonathan Case (and a cast of thousands . . well, dozens, on three of the stories)
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.