Friday, January 04, 2008

Fine Points of the Law: Joshua Hoge has claimed his late mother’s estate, which would generally not be allowed, seein’ as how he was the one who murdered her, but he’s schizophrenic and was found "not guilty by reason of insanity," and now says, well, "not guilty" means "not guilty" (Bonus: The "estate" he's trying to inherit, of about $800k, comprises the money mom "won" for wrongful death because a county health clinic failed to give Joshua his meds and thus was responsible for her death.) (Yes, you read that right; he's seeking to inherit the money she "won" because he killed her.)

Civilization in Decline
According to a Washington Post survey, if you spend a lot of time browsing government Internet sites, and you don’t yet know a lot of other people’s Social Security numbers, you’re just lazy . . . . . The continued placing of the American brain on standby: A 32-yr-old man (a computer technician!) had his car creamed by train north of New York City after he cluelessly drove it onto the tracks because his GPS navigator told him that’s where he needed to be (but he got out the door in time).

The Human Condition Today
Austin, Tex., cop Scott Lando, 45, is on paid leave, being investigated for repeatedly hiring a prostitute and paying her in part by letting her pick some fashions from Mrs. Lando’s closet (saying his ol’ lady’d "never miss" this thing or that) . . . . . Chattanooga, Tenn., judge John Hagler resigned in November when a tape containing graphic dialogue of a murder-torture surfaced, with the voice sounding very much like Hagler's, and now everyone in town wants to hear it, but authorities say, not yet . . . . . Pat Robertson made his annual New Year’s predictions, based of course on actually chatting up the Lord; he admitted that last yr’s predicted major terrorist attack on the U.S. didn’t happen but naturally attributed that to the Lord’s compassion in changing His mind in response to prayers from The 700 Club viewers (Bonus: God also told Pat who would win the Presidency in November, but Pat's not saying because Andy Rooney'd make fun of him) (Seriously) . . . . . The guy who was mayor of Anderson, Ind. (pop. 59,000), until Tuesday (he had been beaten for re-election in November), has decided not to hand over power if he can help it (based on another one of those Fine Points of the Law) . . . . . Can’t Possibly Be True: A Houston, Tex., woman (unnamed so far to protect her kids) flew off to Nigeria to get married, leaving her five kids (ages 1 up to 15) behind with little food and no money (Seriously).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Joshua Stetar, 20, who says he is a "very conservative" Christian in Saratoga Springs, N.Y., got carried away in an online Halo game, with two girls ages 6 and 15, from Spokane, Wash., and an e-mail obsession ensued, and the next thing you know, according to police, he’s coming to rape them and in fact got in his car and drove to Spokane.

Here’s another restaurateur (this time in Houma, La.) with an all-you-can-eat buffet that’s not (well, it is, with a $10 surcharge) (The waitress: "Y’all fat, and y’all eat too much") . . . . . When fruit flies get drunk, they get all frisky and not choosy about which gender they go after . . . . . The Transcendental Meditation people at Maharishi U., Fairfield, Iowa, apparently gave a boost yesterday to Sen. Obama [but Yr Editor was alarmed to read that the TMers have been Yogic Flying in Fairfield, at critical mass, every single day, yet the U.S. is still—still—headed in the wrong direction, according to polls].

The lovely Kumari Fulbright, the beauty queen cum law student cum law clerk cum torture arrestee [NOTW Daily, 1-2-2008] is updated in these particularly touching after and before photos [and c’mon, you still would!].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
(1) Yr Editor has made the point about website news editors not quite having the chops of real newspaper editors, and here’s certainly a lede sentence that’d have never seen the light of day in a reputable city room [from the website of WTSP-TV, Tampa-St. Petersburg]: "New information has been released regarding the sperm whale that came into the mouth of Tampa Bay over the weekend."
(2) Roger Clemens’s injection explanation, which emerged yesterday as advance word on his Sunday 60 Minutes interview, sounds phony and gives Yr Editor yet another chance to rant on one of his favorite topics: accused persons claiming they "can’t talk about" it now, but they just "can’t wait to get to court," months from now, when "all the facts will come out" and "everyone can see I’m innocent." Clemens now says trainer Brian McNamee injected him not with illegal steroids, but with two perfectly legal substances, vitamin B-12 and lidocaine. This is a really, really simple, totally exculpatory explanation. Question: Why has it taken Clemens 19 days, following the release of the Mitchell report, to produce it? Yr Editor asks you, What would you have done if you received injections of perfectly legal substances and then found out that injector, to brown-nose a prosecutor in a plea agreement, claimed he had illegally injected you, thus ruining your stellar reputation? Here’s what I would have done were I Clemens: immediately walked out of my house, down to the curb, waited for the first TV reporter to show up, grabbed the microphone, and screamed into the camera, "It was vitamin B-12! B-12! Not steroids! That lying little punk McNamee, that turd of a human being, is ruining my name just to save his own punk ass, that sniveling little piss-ant! It was B-12! B-12!" And walk away. Society has somehow come to accept the lawyerly response of "I can’t talk about it." Yr Editor’s point: You only need to wait for "court" for the facts to come out in if they’re either unfavorable to you or so ambiguous or contradictory that they must be ever-so-carefully presented and debated. You don’t need "court" if the facts couldn’t be simpler (steroids, no! B-12, yes!). That Clemens’s lawyer would not let him give this simple explanation earlier means (despite the lawyer’s vacuous public explanation) that, probably, the lawyer didn’t intuitively trust Clemens’s denial to him and assumed that more whack-a-moles were out there ready to pop up. (One obvious reason why a person in Clemens’s position might want extra time is to plumb his brain thoroughly for recollections of anyone—anyone at all—who might credibly contradict him if he went public with any particular explanation, such as the B-12 one.) Hence, Yr Editor concludes that either: (1) Clemens is guilty as charged, or (2) Clemens is not guilty as charged but is harboring some other negativeness that would be revealed if his relationship with McNamee were freely, uninhibitedly discussed. Yr Editor leaves you with this: When you hear a lawyer say that his client "can’t talk about" it, there’s a reason, and the reason absolutely is not that his client is as innocent as a newborn baby. "Innocent until proven guilty in a court of law"? Get over it.

Newsrangers: Karen Pradhan, Mark Neunder, Karl Olson, Tom Barker, Liana McGowan, Peter Hine, Stefan Palys, Mindy Cohen, Peter Bradley, Eric Gibbs, H.Thompson, James Wicht, Justin Warner
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.