Monday, January 28, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday: Buying a hitman on Craigslist / Counting the sheets of toilet paper / Dying in a plane crash is your own fault / The double-murderer wearing "fuzzy, lion-faced slippers / And more!

Civilization in Decline
There was a high-speed police chase in Osaka, Japan, with Hirofumi Fukuda pursued at times by, er, 460 patrol cars . . . . . Prime Minister Brown wants to create a "statement of values" for Britain (since Britain kinda evolved over time and didn’t start with any founding document like the U.S.’s Declaration of Independence), but the trouble is, of course, that one of Britain’s prime values is ridiculing things like a statement of British values [NY Times] . . . . . Australian shrink Yolande Lucire thinks SSRI drugs, such as Ritalin, can induce violent behavior if taken too long and then stopped, which is a minority opinion in the shrink community, which means, to the medical board in Sydney, anyway, that Lucire has to go see a shrink, herself . . . . . In Greensburg, Pa.: "Chess Game Erupts in Gunfire" . . . . . The power of the gov’t dole: The British gov’t is considering paying people to lose weight, and two Atlanta-area schools are considering paying students to attend study hall . . . . . Dow Kim of Merrill Lynch, and Thomas Maheras, of Citigroup, are such prescient leaders that they "led" their respective firms to an eventual $34B write-down in subprime loans last yr, and both were eased out of their jobs, but, voilà!, in the American Business Model of the 21st century, they’re already back in demand! [NY Times]

The Human Condition Today
Former hotshot health-insurance exec David Colby, 54, married, and pudgy, allegedly wooed at least 12 women over the last 3 yrs with promises of wealth and marriage (Bonus: One side squeeze is also pissed because he denied her insurance claim for kidney surgery) . . . . . A sophisticated, prize-winning British novelist sued a shoe factory alleging that its fumes caused body numbness, which made her turn to writing pulp novels (and she just won £115,000 [about $229k]) . . . . . Popular singer Na Hoon-a was tired of South Koreans believing that a mob boss had castrated him and so angrily pulled his pants partway down on live TV to prove ‘em wrong (but chickened out before the money shot) . . . . . Daniel Thompson, formerly owner of one of those Utah businesses that remove the sex and profanity from Hollywood films for Utahns’ delicate eyes and ears, was busted for alleged sex with underage girls . . . . . A retiree with nothing else to do noticed that toilet paper rolls seemed to be getting shorter, which he then verified by counting his daily sheet-usage, but then the Denver Post tried to replicate his work and found no shortages (After all, he’s 81) . . . . . Guilty or Not Guilty, You Make the Call: When he was arrested Friday afternoon in his car, he was wearing pajama pants, a hoodie, and "fuzzy lion-faced slippers" [Of course there’s a photo!] . . . . . Marie Linscott was busted for, police said, placing an explicit "help-wanted: hitman" ad on Craigslist (Bonus: She wanted her romantic rival "eradicated") . . . . . Spanish exec Tomás Delgado filed a lawsuit against the estate of the teenage bicyclist he accidentally hit at 100 mph and killed, demanding $29k compensation for damage to his car (Seriously) . . . . . Luis Jimenez, 24, was busted in Austin, Tex., because he hid child porn in a ceiling gap but forgot it when he moved and the successor-resident’s cat got at it.

Your Daily Loser
Ever do something, and then a little while later realize it was the stupidest thing you ever did but by then it’s too late? Frankfort, Ky., attorney William Johnson, 75, feels your pain. In a 2006 take-off crash of a Comair commuter airliner at the regional airport in Lexington, Ky. (which the FAA has blamed on pilot error), all 47 passengers were killed, and 21 lawsuits have been filed, and Johnson represents the only survivor, the flight’s first officer, who is one of the defendants. And one of his defenses: Hey, the passengers knew that bigger airports nearby were safer, but they bought tickets, anyway, so it’s kinda their own fault that they’re dead. Yes, Johnson withdrew the defense shortly after filing it, but . . .. [Comair 5191]

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Readers’ Choice: A 29-yr-old Pennsylvania woman was (apparently accidentally) electrocuted when a couple’s conjugal electro-nipple-stimulation scene went bad.

High-tech venture capitalist Brad Feld bought naming rights on . . a men’s room at a technology building at Univ. of Colorado (Seriously, and for only $25k) . . . . . The headline writer at the Wisconsin Rapids Daily Tribune was in a no-win situation, charged with writing a title for a story announcing that Moundview Memorial Hospital would start doing breast implants . . . . . Great idea for a movie: A Cincinnati woman wants to be a ballerina, but to pay the bills while she trains, she becomes a welder! (Bonus: Her first name is Alex, sort of) . . . . . A 90-ft blob of grease, flour, and rags is clogging a sewer line in Lewiston, Maine, but the blob is surely better explained than the photo illustrating the story on Portland’s WMTW-TV.

Things That Seem Wrong
British mom Yvonne Bray told a hair-raising story of her Christmastime shopping trip to NYC with her two teenage daughters, of her hospitalization at Elmhurst Medical Center near LaGuardia Airport, with pneumonia. She groggily "gave permission" for her daughters to be taken away and given housing for the night, but it turns out the "housing" was in a detention center, where they were treated as runaways and presumed to be trouble. When Bray came to, 30 hours later, she tracked the kids down and grabbed the first plane out of the good ol’ US of A. (Bonus: Based on the girls’ check-in at the detention center, Bray later got a letter from a federal official informing her that she was under investigation for poor parenting, though that "case" appears closed now.)

Professor Music’s Weird Links
The patented (well, it's just an application, but check out how much work went into it) Walking Through Walls Training System, which "enables a human being to acquire sufficient hyperspace energy in order to pull the body out of dimension so that the person can walk through solid objects such as wooden doors."

Newsrangers: Paul Music, Joe Littrell, Paul Di Filippo, Sam Gaines, Mark Neunder, Kerry O’Conner, Bruce Townley, Pete Randall, Lew Miller, Dan Rotar, Tom Headley, Karen Kuras, Jan Wolitzky, Mike Lewyn, Saul Gonzalez, Stephen Taylor, H.Thompson, Scott Langill, Mei Li Rapson
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.