Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wednesday’s Weird Haul: Extortion by dog, The observant-Jew Nazi, All kids hate clowns, Using his false eye against him, Dating by smell, Another waistband-holster tragedy, Casinos healthier than hospitals (and more!).

Civilization in Decline
The Kenyan Human Rights Comm’n (!) concluded that the killings and arson following the Dec. 27th election were not due to primitive tribalism but just Kenyan politics as usual (with equivalent-$8 in get-out-the-vote money buying a church burning) . . . . . Life Imitates a Famous National Lampoon Cover: In Randburg, South Africa, conmen holding dogs approach stopped drivers and get them to buy ol’ Buddy—or else they’ll kill him . . . . . Of course children hate clowns, but here’s a British poll of 250 kids, and every damned one of ‘em hates clowns.

The Human Condition Today
Missouri statutory rapist Norman Toler went to federal court last week to insist that he just must have kosher meals to strengthen his devout Jewish soul (Bonus: He’s a Hitler-loving white supremacist with a bodyful of Nazi tats) . . . . . Thinking outside the box by British police: If we pay an artist to paint dreamy cloud-scapes on the windows of a tavern, that’ll calm down the riff-raff . . . . . No Satanic sex-abuse cult at this Texas elementary school but just one 5-yr-old girl teaching two others how to play doctor, and now the principal is being sued in federal court (Bonus: Mother said the principal should have done something. Principal: I did; I asked your daughter about it, and she denied playing. Mother: You should have known my daughter was lying).

Your Daily Loser
Recurring Theme: Derrick Kosch, 25, in the process of robbing the Village Pantry convenience store, Kokomo, Ind., tucked his gun into his waistband to gather up the cash . . . and no longer has a full testicle set.

This Japanese robotic work suit (available in 4 yrs, when Yr Editor will start needing something like it) makes even bending your knees easier . . . . . News that sounds like a joke: big happenings about something called The Astrological Magazine . . . . . A Calgary, Alberta, good Samaritan who got beat up and nearly carjacked when he stopped to "help" on the side of the road: "If there was [in the future] a blonde, half-naked chick running away from a guy with a chainsaw, I wouldn’t stop."

Things That Seem Wrong
For the third time in little over a year, a Wisconsin state agency has sent out mass mailings that included the addressees’ Social Security numbers on the labels . . . . . Indiana inmate David Buntin served 11 yrs before he was DNA-absolved of a rape, but then somewhere between a judge, a court clerk, and his lawyer, no one told the warden to let him go for two more yrs (but Buntin said he’s "not mad," just suing).

Jeb Corliss, who is one of those websuits working daily on being the first person to fly and land without a ‘chute [this week’s NOTW M040, 1-13-2008], is also an all-star "base-jumper" (e.g., off the Empire State Building) and will file a lawsuit this week against that building’s owner because security guards roughed him up when he (trespassing, of course) tried to jump in 2006 (causing, naturally, "severe emotional distress") . . . . . The other shoe fell, on Archbishop Earl Paulk of the something-or-other church in Atlanta, who admitted (in a 2006 deposition) to extra-marital sex only precisely one single time ever [NOTW Daily, 11-20-2007], but it turns out he’s been spraying sperm around for a while, and he’s now charged with perjury.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Actually, it’s the same link as Monday (the pit-bull armor), but as curious readers pointed out after browsing the entire site, it’s really the squirrel armor that needs to be appreciated.

NOTW, The Blog
Once again, a reporter has made the wide-eyed discovery that Kopi Luwak coffee is brewed with beans that were previously digested and excreted by Asian civet cats. Imagine that! See NOTW 301, 11-12-1993, NOTW 586, 4-30-1999, NOTW 864, 8-19-2004, or the morgues of almost every newspaper in the English-speaking world, or 92,000 Google Search links. This reporter’s name is Sara Neufeld of the Baltimore Sun, and Yr Editor guesses that her next story is about her breathless uncovering of the fact that the Indianapolis Colts used to play in Baltimore . . . . . Here are several stories that have passed Yr Editor’s staleness timeline (and I’ll have to get a special section for those!): (1) A New England Journal of Medicine article says if you have heart trouble, spend your time in a casino or an airport and not a hospital because you have to get defibbed in 2 minutes, and in most places, people go into panic mode and help you, but lots of hospital staff tend to yawn when just-one-more patient starts struggling. (2) Eric Holzle has just started the dating site, which has all the usual questionnaires about likes and dislikes but also the coup de grâce: It’ll look at the structure of your histocompatability complex (smell-processing genes) because "couples" whose structures are similar are doomed (and actually, Holzle’s onto something there!) ($1,995 a customer, please). (3) Not online that I can find, but from the Circleville (Ohio) Herald, 1-12-2008: "News of Record, Ashville Police": "A 73-year-old resident on Lexington Avenue reported an unknown female(s) [sic] had entered his room, removed his bad eye from its socket, then used his eye to find his wallet under the pillow and remove three $50 bills from it while he slept sometime during the previous week. He then advised people are always watching him with his eye, and he wants them to stop. A report was taken . . .."

Newsrangers: J.D. Holsinger, Scott Schrier, Roger Gulbransen, Kelvin Norton, Emory Kimbrough, Michael Grant, Bob Pert, H.Thompson, Sam Gaines, Mark Neunder, Steve Miller, Gary Goldberg, Lurene Haines, Trish Cook
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.