Things To Worry About On Friday
The $8,000-an-inch wheelchair ramp / Waterboarding in Utah / Disrespecting your oven / the peg-legged parrot / And more!
Civilization in Decline
America may be rich in teachers who provide 1-to-1 sex tutoring, but (if this report on Illinois is generalizable) the actual instructors for sex-education classes may not be that great . . . . . Michele Barile of Parma, Ohio, is absolutely, like never, changing little Bryan’s hair style (a sorta Mohawk) because, by God, what a 6-yr-old wants is always more important than any damned school rule! . . . . . The New Charity: Here’s a success story from that long-time website MyFreeImplants.com, where mammary-challenged women solicit donations (“Obviously,” she said, “this is not as important as helping starving kids in Africa, but it’s the same basis. They [the men] want to help us out”) . . . . . It’s fashion week in Frawnts, and the Los Angeles Times has marvelous photos of what’s hot this season to feed women’s adornment compulsions [click the slide show link on the page] . . . . San Francisco Chronicle columnists totaled up the cost of the wheelchair ramp in the Board of Supervisors meeting room, 10 ft long, and it'll be, er, a million bucks [Ed.: that ol’ bureaucratic strategy for hard decisions: keep putting it off, and someday, the decision may make itself].
The Human Condition Today
She made up the carjacking claim because she was out late, despite her mom ‘n’ dad's having her on a strict curfew (even though she’s 27 and strips for a living) . . . . . Smooth: The mayor of La Mesa, Calif., and a female city employee were found by police about 10:30 p.m., the mayor lying on the sidewalk by the open car door, she sprawled in the driver’s seat, vomit and the fragrance of alcohol in abundance . . . . . He was driving a stolen truck, it looks like, and so ran from police and hid, nearly submerged, in the river, which is an escape strategy that would work better on, say, August 27th than it did on February 27th (Knoxville, Tenn., high temperature that day: 36F) . . . . . A 50-yr-old Welsh woman [well, possibly a woman; see photo] seriously cannot stop making bogus calls to 999 (UK equivalent of 911), even when she had electrodes attached to her fingers to give her a sharp surge if she dialed that third “9" in a row . . . . . Even if you have a small house, there must be a better place to store your fireworks than the oven . . . . . Can’t Possibly Be True: Parents in Northfleet, Kent, England, are OK with letting their 16-yr-old daughter’s 36-yr-old boyfriend come live with her . . like, in her bedroom . . . . . A Provo, Utah, man filed a lawsuit against his ex-employer for messing up his mind with workplace “team-building” exercises (Bonus: such as waterboarding) . . . . . What to do if you lose your job: a home-based casino (with the missus as topless card dealer) . . . . . Readers’ Choice: Balaclavaed, machete-wielding robbers hit a club in Sydney, Australia, but then they didn’t know about a bikers’ group meeting there, and “Bear,” “Jester,” and “Bulldog,” among others, brought the bandits to justice.
Your Daily Loser
Despite numerous Hollywood movies emphasizing the need for speed in a bank robbery, this kid dawdled inside the CIBC branch in Toronto, collecting cash not only from the vault and tellers’ drawers but from customers. The silent alarm had been pressed when he walked in (10:15 a.m.), and by the time he walked out (11 a.m.) with $150k (Cdn), the whole place was surrounded by cops.
Fine Points of the Law: Officially, now, you can’t grab your stuff in public in Italy, even if you’re wearing clothes (and even though it’s only for good luck) . . . . . NBC Universal in Los Angeles, which has recently gone mega-enviro, is nonetheless opposed to the bike path adjacent to its property (because, supposedly, that would permit people close enough to the NBC grounds that they could pitch [literally] unsolicited scripts over the fence) . . . . . A UK animal prosthetics firm said it will give a one-legged parrot a peg leg and eye patch [no, no, just a peg leg!] so he’ll stop falling off his perch (Bonus: Every time he falls, he squawks, “Bloody hell!”).
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Eric Gahagen, 27, who hitched a ride from Pennsylvania to Texas just, apparently, to have sex with a 14-yr-old girl (and, wait, here’s another tough one I’m having trouble with: Robert Lewis, 52, who said it was “the wind” that was responsible for scattering around all those nude pictures of himself)
[Bonus: See Professor Music’s recommendation, below!]
Things That Seem Wrong
“U.S. Imprisons One in 100 Adults, Report Finds” [Yr Editor is ashamed of America for this; from where I sit, the number should be around ten in a hundred]
Professor Music’s Weird Links
It had to happen, and someone did it (since January): a blog that challenges you to guess the crime, based on the goofy mugshot!
Newsrangers: Sam Gaines, Ian Pert, Joe Littrell, Emmitt Dove, Tim Aumann, Peter Hine, Bob Pert, Stephen Taylor, Paul Music (and a lot of folks on the Readers’ Choice story)
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.