Monday, February 11, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
“Satan Town” in Poland / Would Gandhi have worn a Prada loincloth? / More amateur circumcisions / Garlic chocolate / The Bible as a Manga novel / And more!

Civilization in Decline
PetSmart soon opens its 100th PetsHotel, featuring filtered water and phone calls from your little angel. Says the CEO:
We have a morning snack, which is dairy-free frozen yogurt. An afternoon Yappy Hour. We’re testing what we refer to as Pawsidential services, which can include bedtime stories, belly rubs, and other services that allow pet guests added one-on-one time with our associates.
. . . . . Keith Brown was arrested at Dubai Int’l Airport and seems likely to do a mandatory 4-yr prison sentence because the high-tech detection equipment Dubai uses to enforce its zero-tolerance drug laws discovered a speck of cannabis in the tread of his shoe (Seriously) . . . . . Why would anyone now want to live in Poczernin, Poland, where a priest is setting up a European center for exorcisms, and whose city will thus be a haven for all the continent’s possessed people bringing Satan with them? . . . . . More than half of India lives in “abject poverty,” and Gandhi wore a loincloth, but the hotshot class is ablaze with “brand freaks” who gotta wear Tommy, Prada, Louis, et al [says a Washington Post dispatch]:
Along a main highway [in Ahmadabad], Tag Heuer billboards jockey for space with towering posters of Mont Blanc pens; below, barefoot children in ragged clothes tap on car windows, begging bowls in hand. Meanwhile, a new Gucci store in New Delhi sells fancy dog bowls . . . all in a country that has more stray dogs roaming the streets than almost any other in the world, according to animal rights activists.
The Human Condition Today
The best minds in the F State’s Okaloosa, Walton, Bay, and Gulf counties labored for 13 months to find a unifying and strengthening theme for the areas’s [Ed.: Trust me] fantastically gorgeous beaches, and so, ta-daaaa: an orange square with the words “The Beach” in white letters . . . . . Johnny Marlowe, 32, Dallas County, N.C., has 12 kids by two concurrent “wives” but is now in trouble because he’s taken to circumcising the boys as they get pumped out—with his trusty utility knife . . . . . It’s No Longer Weird, but still—Alan Derrick, 70-something, was detained in Bristol, England, because his roommate, a fella named Denis Pring, had died at least 5 yrs earlier, and Derrick had not yet gotten around to doing anything about it . . . . . In New Zealand, a 45-yr-old man was convicted of trying to run down his son with his car (like chasing him up on a curb) because his son had gotten pissed at him, because, well, dad stole the kid’s girlfriend, and now she’s pregnant, and dad’s going to marry her, but dad (apparently between cycles of his bipolar-ness) said, “I wish we could all just get [along].”

Your Daily Loser
Kendall Thomas was arrested in Houston, Tex., for relentlessly tracking down and then shooting at a school bus driver, which is what he thought the driver deserved because he had declined to let Thomas’s girlfriend’s daughter board the bus while still eating from her bowl of oatmeal.

Bridgett Donahue had a severe allergic reaction to her meds, leaving her face as though she’d gone 15 rounds with Mike Tyson, and naturally, when she called Macon, Ga., 911 for an ambulance, cops came and cuffed her husband for domestic abuse . . . . . Pompano Beach, Fla., police are looking for the remarkably nimble fella who can boost big-screen TVs, lickety-split, despite the fact (sez the surveillance video) that his pants keep falling down . . . . . The Japanese are different (continued): This company has produced a Valentine’s Day treat of chocolate laced with garlic (“If both people eat them, there’ll be no problem”) . . . . . Newspapers always refuse to name the victims of sex crimes, unless they consent, and this guy (alleged victim of a Russian Orthodox priest in Alaska) consented, but why a guy named Paul Sidebottom wouldn’t want his name withheld is beyond Yr Editor’s comprehension . . . . . The Holy Bible as a Manga graphic novel, written by a true believer but all elbows and attitude (but with this passage, the all-too-mortal Noah counting animals on the Ark: “That’s 11,344 animals? Arggh! I’ve lost count again. I’m going to have to start from scratch!”).

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Tina Burkett, 40 (though the years have not been kind), charged with robbery (with her son as co-perp) in Fort Pierce, Fla.

Things That Seem Wrong
Colorado may finally crack down on those “payday loans” because it costs $544 in interest just to borrow the average $343 loan, e.g., $60 interest to borrow $300 for two weeks, and e.g., average APR being, er, 350 percent . . . . . The U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, which is often good for a laugh, appears onto something serious: that 1993 settlement IRS made with the Church of Scientology; some Orthodox Jews want the same deal IRS cut the thetan-fighters, but IRS says, We’re not telling you what we agreed to because it’s private!

Professor Music’s Weird Links
London’s Daily Mail was a showcase last week of the versatility of horses: pulling a surfer and, er, being ridden by a, uh, lion.

NOTW, The Blog
Errorors and such, from last week: (1) The “school newsletter” of that middle school in Maine that informed us that “intentional farting” is now a detentionable offense was not an official newsletter (even though the Knox County Times seems still not to understand that that might be an important element to the story); (2) The third-grade boy who wants to be a third-grade girl is really a second-grade boy wanting to be a second-grade girl; (3) The Italian judge who swooned at the construction worker’s affair of the heart with the 13-yr-old did not give him just “4 months,” but “one year and four months” [That’ll teach him!]; (4) The breast implant thingies on the tattoo of the buxom woman concerned a tattoo on the guy’s leg, not his arm; (5) The D.C. Tax office computer servers discarded behind the Ruby Tuesday were innocuous after all.

Newsrangers: Stefan Creaser, John Ellwood, Joe Littrell, Paul Music, Nancy Hackett, Charlie Rovner, Karl Olson, David Merritt, Mindy Cohen, Stephen Taylor, Gerald Sacks, Mark Neunder, Jenny Beatty
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.