Monday, February 25, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Orgasmic childbirth! / Gary Larson returns, in Azusa, California / The cockroach that ate the newsroom / Florida’s flatulent child porn fiend / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Georgia state Rep. Jeanette Jamieson: “Sometimes when you are so busy looking after everybody else’s business, you don’t pay as much attention to your own as you should,” and that’s why I’m 8 yrs behind, or so, in state income taxes (Bonus: She’s an accountant, has run a tax service, is on the legislature’s tax committee) . . . . . Just so you don’t panic about all the R&D money being pissed away on medical breakthroughs: 600 new lab-engineered perfumes hit the market every yr: “There are no new colors to see and very few new sounds, but we are actually creating new, unique smells no one has ever smelled before” . . . . . The Riyadh religious police have 57 men in their crosshairs for flirting (But wait: the “flirting” includes playing “pop music blaring from their cars” . . so what’s the fuss about lashing those guys?) . . . . . What Goes Around Comes Around: Turns out there’s another felicitous consequence in the mortgage meltdown: Many of the mortgages were sold, re-sold, and packaged so fast and so mindlessly in the dash for riches that nobody knows where the original documents went, and more and more judges are demanding that any foreclosure on the mortgage be accompanied by the actual mortgage papers (Result: homeowner spared; lender screwed).

The Human Condition Today
How to brilliantly create buzz for unglamorous natural-birth midwifery: possible orgasms during labor! . . . . . Plan B was to hire a killer to do her husband; Plan A was by herself to give hubby a soda can full of wasps . . . . . A rejected suitor crashed a wedding, held the groom at gunpoint, lined up a shot to his ‘nads, and fired (but missed, hitting the leg) . . . . . Yikes! The Photoshopping of nude pictures with little kids’ heads is now being done by, gasp, a girl’s mother . . . . . A 39-yr-old New Zealander, with a history of defying mandatory-seat-belt laws, and who had rigged a fake “seat belt” so cops would think he was wearing one, was killed in a low-impact crash when his body was slammed into the steering wheel.

Your Daily Loser
Felipe Medina, 18, suspected from the surveillance video of taking clothes from a Kohl’s Dept Store, is asked to come to the station for an interview and arrives helpfully wearing a jacket seen in the video going out the door with Medina.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Mark Hotuyek, 46, Joliet, Ill., gets his kicks from driving alongside a school bus, naked, having a good ol’ time with himself (But Bonus/Sounds Like a Joke: The school bus was full of kids from Wood View Elementary) (Seriously)

Win-Win: A homeless man in Port St. Lucie, Fla., called 911 to get cops to come arrest him so he could sleep in jail, but no can do, they said, and don’t call 911 for stupid things like that; the man called 911 again minutes later, was arrested for abusing 911, and is in jail . . . . . The president of Turkmenistan fired 30 TV station personnel after a cockroach kinda co-anchored the nightly newscast, undetected (except by viewers) . . . . . Readers’ Choice: In Azusa, Calif., they say the boxer (dog) bumped the idling, empty truck into gear in a convenience store parking lot and that pretty soon, the truck was in another store’s parking lot across the busy street . . . . . Our Tough ‘n’ Tested Far-Eastern Allies: A South Korean soldier won a disability payment because, following his mandatory military service, his hair fell out.

The severely flatulent Brian Wilcox was sentenced in Tampa to 45 yrs, for child porn. They'll be 45 long ones because Wilcox is this guy [NOTW M032, 11-18-2007]:
[B]rian Wilcox . . . complained [to a federal magistrate] that he was suffering from a series of medical problems. He said that his back hurt from a four-year-old injury; that he has problems with his eyes; that his feet and groin area are numb as if they are “asleep”; that there is a bulge on the left side of his groin; that he is worried about a mole on his nose because of his family history of cancer; that all of his remaining 16 teeth are either decaying or cracking (keeping him from eating, and he’s lost 40 pounds); and that he has “severe flatulence at all times.”
Professor Music’s Weird Links
Another feature from the 10 Most Bizarre Scientific Papers (includes NOTW’s staple on foreign objects in the rectum, but also a 1998 case study of a development-stunted boy who farted to keep people at bay so they couldn’t put him in difficult positions), but you may have to work hard to find 8 of the 10 online.

Newsrangers: Mike Mendenhall, Eli Christman, Larry Ellis Reed, Michael Lewyn, John Holsinger
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.