Thursday, February 07, 2008

Things To Worry About On Thursday
The sucker-punching judge / Crime up, no cops / Text-to-pee service in Finland / The $80,000 light bulb / "Facial Yoga" / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Crime is up in the remotest villages in Alaska, with the nearest cop 150 miles away, and the residents are demanding state action [Yr Editor refers them to the late Mr. Kinison: "Moooooove! Food doesn’t groooow in the desert! It’s saaaand!] . . . . . Coos Bay, Ore., police survey panhandlers outside Wal-Mart and learn they’re making a lot more money than the employees inside . . . . . At a gathering at Duke Univ. on Sunday night, a big gala sponsored by campus organizations such as the Women’s Center, Women’s Studies Department, and Sexual Assault Support Services included these performances, according to the Raleigh News & Observer:
There was a transvestite whose privates were covered with tape who crouched on all fours in a kiddie pool of glitter and stuck a lit sparkler in his bum while America the Beautiful played. There was an overweight stripper who pretended to eat a bunch of dollar bills, then left nothing to the imagination as to the results of the digestion of such a meal. The next performer came out, picked up the string of bills onstage and waved it under his nose.
But, fortunately, the lacrosse team wasn’t there, so the show was well-received.

The Human Condition Today
Glad to know that other states are stepping up this election year to relieve the F State of its burden of entertaining the nation: (1) "About 400" people called the Virginia State Bd of Elections on Tuesday to complain that their polling stations weren’t open, and were politely informed that, er, the primary is next Tuesday. (2) At a polling station in Chicago, a "misinformed" pollworker told about 20 people that a ballot-marking pen that was out of ink was OK to use because the "invisible ink" markings would be picked up by the machine, anyway. (3) At another Chicago precinct, one lady judge cold-cocked another lady judge to end a dispute over unreported "procedures" . . . . . A 67-yr-old Arizona woman somehow thinks that her daughter and granddaughter will be stalker prey if she removes that obnoxious light bulb outside her house, and so far, fighting the homeowners’ ass’n over it is worth every penny of the $80k it’s gonna cost her . . . . . Recurring Theme: Seminole County, Fla., adopts Yr Editor’s long-ago suggestion for instant cash infusions to local gov’ts everywhere: Stand at the exit of nearby parking lots and arrest the drivers who have just had their licenses taken away in court cases.

Your Daily Loser
A big-oaf high school football player near Reno, Nev., staged all the hoopla that thousands of guys staged this week, to announce which college’s scholarship they’d commit to, and this guy (with his coach alongside and local media buzzing) dramatically chose Univ. of California over Univ. of Oregon, and only follow-up phone calls to the schools revealed that neither was recruiting him (Most likely explanation: He got conned big-time, big-time, by some jock-sniffing hanger-on). [UPDATE: Yr Editor gave him too much credit: Turns out that he knew he hadn't been recruited, yet he thought the way out was to pretend that he was! Breathtaking!]

Tale of two spills: A chocolate tanker in Chicago and in rural Maine, a, uh, well, no one knows how it got there, actually, but it’s four miles long by the side of the road, extends through three villages, and smells like, uh, agriculture . . . . . If you get in trouble with police in Austin, Tex., the judge you want is Charlie Baird, because (at least with defendant Trent Stewart) he takes a personal interest in your case and demands that the prosecutor personally give you back your wallet aka "evidence against you" . . . . . KOMO-TV (Seattle) interviewed the principals in a 2½-yr-old case of a woman falling, eye-socket-first, onto a knife blade, having it go deep into her brain (but missing the eyeball, brain stem, and artery) [Yes, there’s video—if you insist, but Not Safe For Stomachs] . . . . . Much safer, at least, is the brainchild of New York yoga teacher-to-the-stars, Annelise Hagen, whose "face yoga" lets you tamp down wrinkles with a regimen of just, well, making faces . . . . . The agency that manages roadside restrooms in Finland is experimenting with locking them, to curb vandalism, and requiring a needy traveler to patiently send a text message to a central computer to have the stall opened (and hurry up about it!).

Canada’s sexsomnia case goes to the Ontario Court of Appeal today, with the gov’t protesting that sex assault while the perp’s asleep is still sex assault, but doctors saying that, medically, there’s no way that Mr. Jan Luedecke could be faking his lack of control that night.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

Newsrangers: Steve Passen, Bob Pert, Jan Lewis, H.Thompson, Ken Berkun, Jeff Ledford, Larry Ellis Reed
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.