Thursday, February 14, 2008

Things To Worry About On Thursday
Copycat dry-cleaning lawsuit / Another dead woman springs to life / World’s clumsiest violinist / Revisiting U.S. Rep. Dan Burton / And more!

The Human Condition Today
In Washington, D.C., Raelyn Campbell sued Best Buy for losing her laptop computer that she had brought in for repairs; she thinks “$54 million” will about cover it because that’s the amount the guy sued the dry cleaner for last yr for losing his pants . . . . . A Minnesota woman, Rae Kupferschmidt, had a massive cerebral hemorrhage, and doctors said it was all over for her, and family members OK'd the shutdown and prepared for the funeral, but, ta-daaaa, there she is (the result, naturally, of a divine miracle rather than an imperfect diagnosis) . . . . . Violin virtuoso David Garrett, 26, having just finished a London concert, tripped walking down stairs and smashed his 1718 Stradivarius into pieces (with a spare on the way from Milan but accompanied by a three-person “security” team to be training wheels for Garrett’s legs) . . . . . A woman in Stuttgart, Germany, went to court to get the names of the six men who won an Internet auction and thus enjoyed the first prize of shtupping her, because she’s now pregnant and wants to know which is the daddy, confidentiality-contract or not (and the court said OK) (Yeah, some prostitution is legal in Germany) . . . . . Peeping-tom Donei Zabedra-Ilario, 20, got a beatdown the other night in Greensboro, N.C. (and is under arrest), because he decided to try peeping from inside, hiding under a woman’s bed, but then her boyfriend caught him. Said the arresting cop, “[Sneaking under the bed] was almost something he was proud of, like someone would covet a trophy.”

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Yr Editor doesn’t usually keep up with the news out of Bahrain, but this guy showed up at Salmaniya Medical Complex with a two-inch nail in his urethra, which he said [of course!] was inserted by a gang of guys who rolled him right before he blacked out [Ed.: But had he enough money to afford Rusty Hardin as his lawyer, Rusty would’ve had him pay courtesy calls on the doctors first before actually trying to convince them that he didn’t insert the nail himself in a fit of masturbatory experimentation].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

NOTW, The Blog
The House Committee man toughest on Roger Clemens’s ex-trainer Brian McNamee yesterday was Rep. Dan Burton of Indiana, who was beside himself that someone would save bloody gauze and a beer can for seven yrs. Here’s Rep. Burton’s News of the Weird appearance, from NOTW 573, 1-29-1999:
According to a December report in the Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, U. S. Rep. Dan Burton of Indiana brings his own utensils to a Capitol barber shop (scissors, comb, electric razor) to have his hair cut. Though no one would say for sure, reporters speculated that Burton does this for the same reason (fear of AIDS) that he has stopped ordering soup in restaurants and stopped going to the House gym around the time that colleague and gym regular Barney Frank revealed he is gay. [Chicago Tribune-Roll Call, 12-15-98]
By the way, Yr Editor finds McNamee’s artifacts-saving absolutely plausible. It was almost a standing joke in federal gov’t office politics of Yr Editor’s era that survivalist bureaucrats saved documents here and there, to bury in plastic bags in the back yard, in case the caca hit the fan. Keister-covering maestros will never enjoy total job security without standby evidence to freeze potential rivals or accusers. Had I been Brian McNamee, pushing illegal drugs to a celebrity vastly more-admired, better connected, and richer than I, you’re damn right I would have buried lots of bloody gauze and beer cans in my back yard. When push comes to shove, when the subpoenas arrive, when the 60 Minutes camera crew is in the outer office, when it’s every man for himself, you don’t want to be the last one around to come up with Plan B. (Yr Editor’s favorite awesome bureaucrat-god: Richard Clarke, who loyally sucked up to various game plans in the Clinton and Bush administrations before heading out to the back yard and digging up memos of State Department terrorism dissenters, which he proceeded to convert into a book that made him a multimillionaire after the Iraq invasion turned sour.)

This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.