Things To Worry About On Wednesday
Job openings for inbreds / R.I.P., world’s clumsiest monk / Hillary Clinton’s crossover appeal to Republicans / Suicidal parrots / And more!
Civilization in Decline
Kivalina, Alaska, and its native tribe filed a lawsuit against ExxonMobil and 9 other companies for speeding up that global-warming Big Melt that they say is coming . . . . . An Atlanta dad pleaded guilty to punching his son, 13, out cold for checking in with less than all A’s on his report card . . . . . The FCC fined 13 TV stations for airing nude strippers even with their breasts and buttocks blurred [Ed.: but only the stations about which someone complained, meaning, literally, that in America one person determines what an entire city can legally watch!] . . . . . You’ve wondered about this all your life, and here you go: Birds get seriously depressed sittin’ on that stupid perch all day long when nobody’s around (but that’s why parrots are now being given Prozac) (Bonus: It doesn’t work any better than it does for humans.)
The Human Condition Today
Producers of a Julianne Moore-starring thriller put out a casting call for odd-looking actors to play inbreds from a West Virginia holler (“Unusual facial features, especially eyes”); the Holler Anti-Defamation League is hopping mad [No, no, there’s not an actual HADL, but there are protesters, who are offended! Offended!] . . . . . “Computer genius” Hans Reiser is on trial for murdering his wife, but his lawyer says the circumstantial evidence is just a function of Hans’s semi-Asperger’s social eccentricity (His brother: Sure, absolutely, Hans’d clean the inside of his car with a garden hose! Sure, absolutely, Hans and I have both removed the passenger seats from our cars! What’s the big deal?) . . . . . Good news/Bad news for Hillary Clinton, from Norristown, Pa.: She has “crossover appeal” for at least one registered Republican, but on the other hand, that guy’s now in jail for stabbing his Obama-loving brother-in-law, and will probably miss the rest of this election season . . . . . Ray Reed and Sheila Chapman staged a fabulous b-day party (pony rides, etc.) for their son, who’s, er, 1, Clayburn (aka Prince), because they just love him soooo much and want him to have great “memories” from when he was 1, like we all have from age 1, and, said Sheila, “I want him to know how important and special I think he is” [Ed.: And, oh, jeez, they live in Tampa, and so yet another kid around here’ll someday turn 16 having never ever heard the word “no”] . . . . . Some guy went nuts at a showing of the horror movie The Signal and stabbed (a) the seat in front of him, (b) the guy in the seat, and (c) another guy while running out the door (Bonus: the next scene in the movie, when it was resumed following the melee: a stabbin’!) . . . . . An inquest was held for the world’s clumsiest monk (He lost most of three fingers in a lawn mower accident at the temple 10 yrs ago, then last yr was sliced to death when he slipped under the blades while chasing his mower.)
Your Daily Loser
Justin MacGiffrey, 19, was tracked down by police in Daytona Beach after trying to rob a Circle K by pointing his naked finger, with thumb sticking up, at a clerk. [Ed.: The clerk started toward MacGiffrey, causing him to flee, but the easier thing would have been for the clerk to point his own finger at MacGiffrey and hold him there for the cops]
Here’s some good anthro on mass hysterical trances (this, among factory workers in Indonesia, and it turns out there may be an angle to them) . . . . . More global warming? The director of the Tortoise Sanctuary in Britain, since temperatures are too high for hibernation this yr, has taken to letting the darlings (n=75) crash for the winter in her refrigerator, right there with the wine and the mayo [yes, there’s a photo!] . . . . . Australian Lauryn Edwards, age 9, has been booted from competition at her local tennis club because, as a prodigy, she’s grunting at a shriek-level more appropriate for older girls . . . . . The headline, from Papua New Guinea: “Accused Witch Gives Birth in Tree” (of course).
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
David Anthony Faboo, 37 (charged with contacting a 16-yr-old girl on MySpace, meeting up with her, and taking her away to do improper things)
Our old friend Michelle Kosilek, serving life in a Massachusetts pen for killing her wife back when she was Robert Kosilek, complained again that the warden’s dragging on the estrogen supplements, meaning that Michelle’s ta-tas are getting smaller and her junk larger, and “I would not want to continue existing like this,” but possibly she’s just ornerier at this time of the month.
Professor Music’s Weird Links
“The worst part about shooting home invaders is having to get out of bed to grab the shotgun,” reports the Core77 Design Blog, “Well, that’s no longer a problem with The Back-Up Gun Rack,” linking to what is purportedly an actual TV ad for the bed-mounted shotgun rack (but you’ll have to check that out for yourself).
NOTW, The Blog
From Drudge comes word that Gennifer Flowers has decided to put the notorious 1992 answering-machine tapes from Gov. Bill Clinton up for auction. Yr Editor listened to the tapes back then, while most of you readers and the rest of the world were intimidated by James Carville and George Stephanopoulos into thinking they were (1) floozy-cheap and (2) doctored. One tape, especially, provided Yr Editor will all I needed to know to follow the Monica Lewinsky deal 6 yrs later: It was Clinton’s tutorial, in patient detail, on just how Gennifer should lie about their relationship when asked by the media, i.e., this kind of denial will work, but that kind of denial will just cause more trouble. In other words, Yr Editor has understood, since 1992, that W. J. Clinton is . . . The Absolute Master.
Newsrangers: Steve Dunn, Paul Di Filippo, Paul Music, Jeffrey Lant, Brian Wilson, Peter Smagorinsky, Joe Littrell, Tom Preston, Christopher Nalty, Ray Reigadas, Kathryn Wood, Gil Nelson
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.