Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
Oompa-Loompa (but with sex toys and laughing gas) / "Rat-based cuisine" / Note to insurance company: breasts come in pairs / Shriveling willies / And more!

Civilization in Decline
U.S. border officials at the Pembina crossing in North Dakota seized 555 lbs of dope from a tractor-trailer, but according to the AP, "The driver was [merely] questioned and released" . . . . . One more thing the Pope’s gonna hate [NOTW Daily, 2-1-2008]: Newcastle Univ. researchers have created an embryo from the DNA of a man and a woman (already a problem there) and another woman (way-bigger problem) . . . . . Vietnam has responded to bird flu by moving away from their feathered friends as food and stepping up the number of delicious rat delicacies . . . . . Cliches Come to Life: "Hundreds" of Floridians called officials yesterday asking where the nearest polling station was so they could go vote (Fla. primary: Jan. 29) (Bonus: Some "voters" were seriously argumentative about it).

The Human Condition Today
Orindary people in Abu Dhabi own ordinary license plates, but the people who are superior to them in every way own plates with a one-digit number (that they paid the equivalent of at least $3m for) . . . . . The second-biggest job departure of the week from Texas Tech Univ. was that a columnist for the Daily Toreador was fired for plagiarising his column on plagiarism . . . . . Not Ready for Prime Time: Brian Waltermyer, 33, was arrested after knocking off a bank in York, Pa.; identification by the tellers was easy in that Waltermyer had politely complied with one employee’s request to please, while indoors, pull down the hood of your sweatshirt . . . . . F State DUI’er Tina Williams was arrested, with her 1-yr-old in back un-belted and carseat-less, but with a 24-pack of Busch in the front, tightly buckled.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Mardi-Gras-lovin' Lawrence Goldstein, 40, was arrested Monday for a sex attack on a woman after she let him in the door at 3:30 a.m. even though he was wearing a purple top hat and cape, with pink glitter over his body, and talked her into sucking on some NO2 (Bonus: The trunk of his car was filled with, uh, hay)

NOTW Lite
So, does the black man’s willy actual shrivel up in the cold weather? (Bonus: That’s a botany question, not a sexual one) . . . . . The L.A. Times performed a valuable service by reporting on spiritual conductors who will (for up to $200 a session) administer you some ayuhuasca, a liquid made from Peruvian leaves and which, though reportedly about the foulest thing you can try to swallow, yields, for many users, visions of:
a kaleidoscopic array of geometric patterns [or] friendly plant-like creatures, gnomes, elves or even a giant anaconda—known by indigenous tribes as Mother Ayuhuasca, omniscient ruler of the plant kingdom—who communicates telepathically. And the really lucky ones may be treated to a cinematic review of their lives, each scene illustrating a moral failure.
And the shamans are ready to serve you in New Mexico and Southern California!

Things That Seem Wrong
Penny Richardson got half a loaf from a North Carolina appeals court in her worker’s comp claim (from an on-duty car accident): Yes, one of her boob implants was damaged, so insurance has to take care of that, but it seemed like the main problem with the other one was that, well, the headlights might not be quite evenly aligned, and that’s an aesthetic thing.

Update
The judge in Alice, Tex., said that the now-ex-mayor [NOTW Daily, 2-4-2008] can keep, temporarily, little Panchito, pending a full custody hearing in April.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Another person who didn’t like the way he looked so he changed it and now presumably is super-satisfied . . with that star implanted under his skin.

NOTW, The Blog
The idea of women’s forearms making men frisky [NOTW Daily, 2-5-2008] might not quite be settled, as reader Brian points out:
With [6] billion really weird people in the world, there’s probably a fetish for just about anything you can think of. I just googled forearm fetish" (in quotes, so to eliminate hits with either word alone) and found 471 hits. I didn’t go reading them all, but Ill bet most of those are men.

Newsrangers: Joe Littrell, Ray Henderson, Mike McWhorter, Michael Duhe, Scott Langill, Katharine Hayhoe, Shelley Parks, Shannon Gervais, Patti Dixon, Sam Gaines, and a lot of people on that belted-in Busch.
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.