Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
The human pelican / The importance of dung / Pilot and co-pilot miss their wake-up call / The remarkable comeback of Jim Bakker / And more!

Civilization in Decline
SeƱor Israel Robles-Gaytan, 22, of Mexico, was arrested in Colorado with a vanful of illegals and will no doubt be deported, for the, er, 15th time . . . . . All hail Britain, where a newspaper that reports how two women accuse a Catholic Church official of impregnating them and then urging abortion can be sued for libel by the poor fella even though he did impregnate them out of wedlock and even paid half the abortion fee for one (The newspaper’s story, he said, robbed him of his moral authority and destroyed his credibility!) . . . . . Israeli researchers found that breast cancer is more prevalent in cities that light up at night (corollaries: [1] night-shift work is carcinogenic; [2] it’s good to be blind) . . . . . When you buy life / health / casualty insurance, the first thing you want, number one, bottom line, is for the company to be there when you need a payout, that if you bought the policy from a well-known, trusted company, you won’t find out later that it’s been transferred to “Fred’s Bar & Grill and Insurance Company,” but that’s the way one of the many obscure finance games of the last three decades has been played (only it’s not consumer insurance, but banks’ insurance against credit defaults) . . . . . Once more, the courts/police cannot seem to save a battered woman who asks for protection from her homicidal lover; in fact, police in Deland, Fla., threatened her with arrest for calling them so often (but she won’t be calling them again, ever).

The Human Condition Today
Uphill defense: Scottish driver William Harvey blew a high alcohol reading because he has this thing in his throat, kinda like a pelican’s, that stores his recent intakes . . . . . He’s not so dumb, after all: Sure, he tried to remove a bullet from a rifle by drilling it loose (result: exactly what you’d expect), but he told an inquiring reporter, “I’d kind of like to drop [the subject] right here, but I know that’s not going to happen” . . . . . Jim Bakker has returned, in a TV ministry that uncomfortably resembles the one he looted in the 1980s, but some of his biggest supporters are that venture’s screw-ees (some even signing their bankruptcy checks [$6.54 back on their $1,000 investment] over to the new ministry) . . . . . Sucking from the tax-supported-charity teat in Birmingham: a former gay porn sta—no, check that, “self-taught computer repairman” . . . . . They’re investigating whether, on an airline flight in Hawaii, both the pilot and co-pilot fell asleep and overshot the arrival city (Bonus: The flight was only 45 minutes long).

Your Daily Loser
You’re Frederick Watson, 57, caught pushing a safe in a cart through the lobby of a hotel. The best you can do is, “I found it.” But then you volunteer that you had nothing to do with breaking into that fourth-floor office. (But the cops haven’t mentioned that yet.)

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Mark Dixie, 37, denies killing that 18-yr-old model but admits he had sex with the bloody, 7-times-stabbed woman. Said his lawyer, “He did not know she was dead until intercourse was concluded.”

Science Daily profiled paleontologist Jim Mead of Northern Arizona University, who, proudly, is the world’s foremost authority on dung (which he praises for its versatility, in uses like carbon-dating).

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
James Hopkins, on the lam for failure to register as a sex offender

Things That Seem Wrong
According to Ron Kuby, the go-to criminal-defense lawyer for New York’s ne’er-do-wells, “[I]n the state of New York, you can be extremely crazy without being legally insane. You can hear voices, you can operate under intermittent delusions, you can see rabbits in the road that aren’t there, and still be legally sane” (as long as you also do at least one thing that a sane person would have done under the circumstances).

The report on Sister Lucia’s fast-track sainthood [NOTW Daily, 2-18-2008] was only the latest, but now, once again, some entity delivers a blow to the NOTW franchise: The Vatican announced that some of these fast-track glorifications have probably been kinda silly and that more rigor will be required in the future (i.e., fewer NOTW stories) . . . . . The guy who got the silicone implant on his buxom-woman tattoo [NOTW Daily, 2-8-2008] revealed that it went kaput about two weeks later and that she’s thus back to being flat-chested.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
The 25 strangest college courses (includes the classics, like Mount Holyoke’s on “Whiteness” and Occidental College’s “The Phallus” but also Carnegie Mellon’s on golf history, Centre College’s on walking, and the University of Iowa’s on vacationing).

Newsrangers: Gale Walters, Emory Kimbrough, Ginger Katz, Paul Music, Mark Whybird, Charles Walker
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.