Friday, March 14, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
Oops, accidentally downloaded 8,742 child-porn images / Eat the UN! / Jodie Foster's still got it / America's free-lance English teacher / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Here he is, the best lawyer in the entire world, Craig Eberhardt of Brisbane, Australia, getting an ex-cop off with just probation, though he was caught with 8,742 child porn images on his computer that he bought from a website (Winning argument: He downloaded them all by mistake, “somewhat accidentally”) . . . . . A chief lieutenant (Mr. Zigzag Marzah) of former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor testified at Taylor’s trial in The Hague that Taylor felt it was sometimes necessary in the course of battle to, uh, kill and eat United Nations peacekeeping forces . . . . . Muslims in Bangkok marched in front of the Danish embassy to protest last month’s reprinting in Danish newspapers of the famous Mohammad cartoons, but the march wasn’t all that effective, apparently; said Suloh Salaimad, of the Muslim Group for Peace, “We should do something more violent than just protest” . . . . . A report by Britain’s Dept. for Children, Schools, and Families said school posters educating against “forced marriages” were so “hard-hitting” as to be upsetting to some students and their parents (i.e., parents from forced-marriage cultures) and ought to come down.

The Human Condition Today
Vinicios Robacher, 15, was sleeping in class on December 4th in Danbury, Conn., and so teacher Melissa Nadeau slapped her hand hard on his desk, jarring him awake, and now, of course, he’s suing (Seriously) . . . . . Mehmet Tilki, 54, is retiring in Hasankeyf, Turkey, and will spend his remaining years back in his childhood home, which is a cave (“This cave, which my father left me, is my everything”) (Bonus: It’s got satellite TV) . . . . . Even approaching middle age, Jodie Foster continues to mesmerize; at least, that’s what it looks like provoked Michael Smegal, 42, to write dozens of stalking/threatening letters mentioning her . . . . . They’re only ages 14 and 12, but already awesome prodigies, sort of, having been arrested at gunpoint in Port St. Lucie, Fla., as they tried to pull off a robbery inside a police substation . . . . . It’s No Longer Weird, of course, but the number is pretty staggering: 800 dogs and 82 parrots in a trailer home near Tucson (OK, so it was a triple-wide, but still . . ..).

Your Daily Loser
According to the time line supplied by police, Christopher Koch, 28, parked near the Citizens & Northern Bank in Liberty, Pa., at 11:40 a.m. and waited, ostensibly building up his nerve, and then at 12 noon got out of the car, put on the orange ski mask, and walked over to the bank, arriving at 12:01. Doors locked. Bank closed at 12:00. They got his license plate number.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
[from The Keynoter (Key West, Fla.)] “This is one way you don’t want anyone to find you: in an abandoned building bound with pantyhose and gagged, wearing women’s intimate clothing and with a foam ball in your mouth” [via ObscureStore.com]

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Larry McManning, 52, accused of flashing two women

NOTW Lite
It’s nearly tournament time again, when several dozen college teams battle it out for the nat’l championship, and naturally I’m referring to intercollegiate meat-judging (coaches, teammates, full-ride scholarships, hanging out in the gym—er, meat locker, ) (Seriously) [Wall Street Journal via Yahoo] . . . . . . Physicists from the University of Calgary and Tokyo Institute of Technology are all excited because they have taken a puff of gas and stored absolutely nothing inside it, and then, more exciting than that, they then extracted that same “nothing” from the gas (Seriously) [Feb. 29] . . . . . Also from the realm of, uh, science comes Jemima Packington, who somehow has the gift of being able to see the future by, er, tossing asparagus stalks up in the air and then looking at how they landed . . . . . Helen and Jerry Stalhatos of San Marino, Calif., said the houseguests they’ve had for 20 yrs really hadn’t bothered them that much until recently, when honey started seeping through the walls (houseguests: a million bees) (Bonus: The house always smells sweet!) . . . . . Nat’l Public Radio profiled Jeff Deck of Boston, who formed the Typo Eradication Advancement League and travels around the country fixing, y’know, apostrophes and such [via Fark.com] [and Yr Editor knows, absolutely, that “Myers’s Rum” is correct].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
(1) There was a story out of rural Kansas on Wednesday about a woman who remained seated on the throne for two consecutive years, until her skin had bonded with the toilet seat. There’s no sense reporting it here because apparently every single person who ever read News of the Weird sent it to me over the last two days. Thanks. It was great hearing from y’all. Keep in touch. Link. (2) The most fascinating fella of the week is Christopher Chubasco Wilkins, who is 39 and will not have a long, happy life because the state of Texas will execute him in a few yrs, after he was found guilty of killing three men. But Christopher knows the game. He testified in the punishment phase of the trial, and not exactly in his own behalf. He sympathized with the jury’s dilemma (death or life in prison?): “I’m as undecided as you are. You’ve got a job to do. Look, it is no big deal.” On whether he should be spared because he was addled with drugs: “You can consider drugs if you want to. But I wouldn’t put too much weight on that. When I get wound up, I have a fuse that is short. I don’t think about what I’m doing.” Of the prosecutor: “You’re doing a fine job.” What about those hateful tattoos you have (pentagrams, demons, swastikas, an image of Hitler)? “Just hype.” Do you want to die? “I guess, subconsciously, I’ve been trying to get myself killed since I was 12 or 13 years old. . . I haven’t been any good to anybody for the last 20 years and I won’t be for the next 20 or the 20 after that.”

Newsrangers: Scott Langill, James Wicht, Stefan Palys, Paul Di Filippo, Bruce Alter, Paul Music, Tony French, Stephen Taylor
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.