Friday, March 21, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
Teaching un-horny Singaporeans how to flirt / R.I.P. a Tennessee pastor, punked out by a goat / Off-off-off-off-Broadway (actually, a Central Park men’s room) / The Great Crescent City Pee Robbery / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Found on the mean streets of Marietta, Ohio, last week: green crack (a St. Pat’s day special, or just candy-colored crack, for kids?) (previously: red crack for Christmas!) . . . . . In 20 states, sex offenders who are detained past their sentences are not technically “prisoners” and are therefore eligible to loot federal Pell Grants . . . . . Miami-Dade County said, well, yes, its 250,000 unlicensed drivers (most didn’t learn to drive right, or had their licenses taken away) are a problem and that it will try to modify its current policy, which is, basically, who cares?

The Human Condition Today
Two gals tried to swipe packages from a DHL driver near Crescent City, Calif. (i.e., some urine tests headed for the lab, because they were sure theirs would test positive, and they’d be off to jail), and will now do 3 yrs in prison for their trouble and for testing positive when arrested for the swipe (but by the way, their original samples turned out clean) . . . . . Very undignified: A Clarksville, Tenn., Baptist minister, age 76, attempting to put an escaped goat back in the pen, was found fatally self-hogtied with the goat on top of him . . . . . Arrested for a murder in Wisconsin: Mr. James Hole [photo] (Bonus: His middle initial is A) . . . . . If you arrive for your appointment and see your dentist passed out on the floor, drooling from his gas mask, you’re in Dr. Norman Rubin’s office (a 6-time loser in Illinois, but allowed to practice in Smithtown, N.Y.) . . . . . Not quite Yr Editor’s iconic “flying cow” death, but still: A 57-yr-old woman, sitting placidly on a boat in the Florida Keys, was fatally attacked by a flying stingray (death by blunt force, not the Irwinian barb) . . . . . Family Values: Raymond Wall, 51, arrested for identity theft, running up a $4,700 tab; victim was a young soldier on active duty overseas named Robert Wall (yep) . . . . . Vanity Pays: St. Paul cab driver Roy Carlson Jr uses hair styling gel because, y’know, cab drivers are like models and actors, always have to be sharp, but then when a teenage girl turned violent on him and slashed his throat, he survived, only because she couldn’t get that good a grip on his hair when she tried to pull his head back . . . . . We’re moving to the End Game on these Signs From Above: A woman in Elyria, Ohio, opened her package of frozen fish sticks, saw two of them stuck together in a “cross,” and is sure it’s the Lord answering her long-time prayers for a new van, i.e., eBay!

Your Daily Loser
Donald Archie Baker, 51, concerned about meeting his court date the next morning in Peterborough, Ont., did the logical thing: He called 911 to ask for a wake-up call. No can do. OK, he called the police non-emergency number to ask for the wake-up call. No can do, either, but by the way, Mr. Baker, we see here that you have yet another arrest warrant on the books. There’ll be an additional court date you'll have to wake up for.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Singapore, home of an aging, passion-challenged population, is, via the gov’t, offering classes to young people on how to flirt (“My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me, and I stand a chance,” said Isabel, age 18). Ouch.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
James Eggleston, 59, charged with traveling to meet kids for sex

NOTW Lite
Irish playwright Paul Walker’s making quite a name for himself in New York’s Central Park because his new production Ladies & Gents is staged entirely in one of the park’s restrooms (because, well, a playwright likes to take the audience out of its “comfort zone,” and how better than Toilet Theater?) . . . . . Fine Points of the Law: A Texas appeals court ruled, definitively, that there is such a thing as an “ankle” (It’s not that Texans are that slow; it’s that podiatrists said their authorization to treat the “foot” included the portion that we non-pods call the ankle, but M.D.’s said ankles are separate from feet) . . . . . There’s a certain symmetry to this: In India’s Madhya Pradesh state, if you’ll get a vasectomy, the gov’t will green-light your application for a gun license, sort of, y’know, reducing your virility here, giving it back there.

Updates
(1) Waddah Mustapha of Winsdor, Ont., has reached Canada’s Supreme Court with his appeal. He’s the guy who won the then-equivalent of US$270k because seeing a fly in a bottle of water caused him “major depression, anxiety, specific phobias, and obsessional thoughts” [NOTW 901, 5-15-2005]. An appeals court overturned the award, but he wants the Supremes to get it back for him. Says Mustapha, “We all know flies of that kind, with the blue butts,” are public health problems. (2) Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, who officially adopted the middle name to make it easier to win public office so that he could fight against abortion (but was shut down in his 2006 governor’s race because the middle name looked too contrived for Idaho officials [NOTW Daily, 9-20-2006]), has now changed his whole damn name to Pro-Life. Not Pro-Life Richardson. Just Pro-Life. And he said he’ll run for office until he’s elected [starting with the U.S. Senate race to replace Larry Craig, who is building a nice retirement men’s room in the Coeur d’Alene Mountains]. (3) It’s Good Friday, which means a couple dozen Filipinos are either getting themselves beaten bloody (as punishment for their various sins) or actually crucifying themselves, with nails, on wooden crosses. The gov’t knows it’s coming, and apparently knows it cannot stop the true believers, and so this year issued a consumer advisory urging them to, please, f*ck yourselves up prudently, by using clean whips and sterilized nails.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
On Wednesday, a naive web news editor (well, either that or a groundbreaking editor riding an emerging lower level of judgment-free reporting) circulated “Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead,” which created quite a bit of attention, but Yr Editor despairs. The most widely-circulated version is by FoxNews.com, which cites the “Daily Telegraph,” which might suggest to journalist types that London’s Daily Telegraph, whose editors are generally quite savvy, was endorsing the story. Actually, it’s from Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, one of the less-disciplined kids in the Murdoch family, less solid than London’s Daily Telegraph and less grown-up than Murdoch’s other Sydney daily, The Australian. And in fact, the story didn’t come from Sydney’s Daily Telegraph at all. It came from the news website with the loosest standards of all: Ananova.com (which has a knack for finding stories we don’t, from newspapers we can’t access, in languages we don’t speak). The botched surgery (in Bavaria!) might have happened; who knows? And your house might soon be again worth what it was on Good Friday 2006; who knows?

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This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.