Things To Worry About On Monday
Bless and keep our bureaucrats safe (and maybe our soldiers, too) / It’s good to be an injured criminal in Maryland / Wrong—you do the murders first, then do the film about ‘em / Sex before dogs in Amsterdam / And more!
Civilization in Decline
It’s the same in America: The Daily Mail (London) has another case of a disabled bureaucrat (back injury lifting a printer) awarded £202,000 compensation from the gov’t, vs. a soldier, losing use of a hand and arm in a mortar attack, £57,000 (Bonus: depressed, chronically-fatigued paper-pusher, £217,000; typist with repetitive-stress injury, £484,000) . . . . . Maryland’s proud of its Criminal Injuries Compensation Fund, which regards crime as something done to all of society equally and therefore uses tax money to pay doctor bills of criminal victims, but the Baltimore Sun said $1.8m in the last 5 yrs has gone to criminals, themselves, who got hurt by other criminals . . . . . The Organization of the Islamic Conference, meeting in Senegal, offered, as one strategy for fighting all this badmouthing of Islam, litigation (Denmark, you’re up first) . . . . . It’s quite a dilemma, whether you can put a guy on the “sex offenders’” list when he wasn’t bothering humans (dog molester in Kansas: maybe; we’ll see) (goat molester in New Zealand: no, probably not).
The Human Condition Today
Least Competent Prison Guards: Ate a cake baked by a major gang member and got sick as hell, Duh-uh! . . . . . Worst Judgment: Christopher Burda, intending (he said) to thwart the woman’s suicidal urges, “call[ed] her bluff” by loading a gun for her, twice; he’ll do 5 yrs now, since she wasn’t bluffing . . . . . Kansas, with its version of Shock And Awe, attacked Oklahoma, but the Kansas Air Nat’l Guard said it was an accident . . . . . A charming story of the small-time crook Gary Hilton, who helped his lawyer-pal conceive a B-list murder movie in 1995, then 12 yrs later took the plot to heart, and now he’s a serial killer [And this Metafilter.com post has links to the film and story] . . . . . God’s Will: The Lord (according to the granny) must’ve made the 15-yr-old girl play hooky that day, so that she could stop a speeding bus and save 40 kids from injury or worse (Bonus: She got detention, anyway) . . . . . Bad at Multi-Tasking: Director of the Physical Plant Aaron Barto said, Well, yes, we did find an 800-sq-ft area of the Bellefonte, Pa., high school with black mold in 2005, and no, I didn’t tell anybody, “but I’ve had a ton of things going on . . and I don’t always remember to do it, you know.”
Your Daily Loser
Eric Hardin had lots of child porn, and maybe no one would have found it if he’d just bathed once in a while. (His roommates kicked him out on hygiene grounds, then found his stash.)
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
One of those people would be whichever man it was (name not reported) who ejaculated on a sleeping 21-yr-old American Airlines passenger during a flight from D/FW to LAX (thus forming the basis for the woman’s $200k lawsuit against the airline for having super-inattentive flight attendants).
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Johnathan T. Pinney, 23, charged with aggravated battery [Bonus: He’ll be lawyering for himself at trial] [Double bonus: He’ll be wearing a cape]
Yr Editor doesn’t understand the municipal legal system in Amsterdam, but it says here that it’s a done deal that public sex will be decriminalized in Vondelpark park (presumably for straights, too, but London’s Daily Telegraph reports “gay sex”) but that the new leash law for dogs is quite unpopular . . . . . What to do with a baby girl born with two faces in a suburb of Delhi? Worship her, of course . . . . . If you’re a lab mouse, here’s a coin flip almost as powerful as Anton Chigurh’s: “Tails! OK, you guys in this line, cancer research! You guys in that line, erection research” . . . . . Punchline-Friendly News: The village of Schwerzenbach, already the site of Switzerland’s biggest whorehouse, learned that moving in right next door to it will be the country’s biggest assisted-suicide center.
(1) Last week [NOTW M048, 3-9-2008], Yr Editor reported that police in Swansea, Wales, had accused David Henton, 72, of murdering his long-time girlfriend, based on secret recordings they had made in Henton’s home, in which he seemingly “confessed” the murder to his only companions, his cats, to whom he spoke frequently. On March 14th, after a seven-week trial, a jury found Henton not guilty, either of murder or manslaughter, probably on the basis that the tapes were not as intelligible to the jury as the police claimed they were. (2) After all the shoutin’ calmed down last week about the woman stuck on the toilet for 2 yrs, it turns out that she probably just stayed in the john for 2 yrs but not necessarily on the throne, that she might have been seated only for up to a month, and furthermore, her butt didn’t really bond to the seat but rather she had some open sores that stuck. The main point, that she and her boyfriend just aren’t right, remains solid.
Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™
Newsrangers: Joel Walz, Rob Snyder, Jerry Whittle, Mark Neunder, Peter Smagorinsky, Paul Music, Steve Dunn, Karl Olson, Jamie Anderson, Scott Langill
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.